Breakdown

I had a total break-down two days ago in front of J.

I had just come home from doing homework at my parent's house so my little guy could play with cousins and not get so bored while I did it. J was supposed to meet up with me there and grab little T so that he could take him home and put him to bed. Forty minutes after he said he would be there, I looked at the time and was surprised that I hadn't seen him yet, so I called. He was home- and gave me a long-winded and distracted answer as to why he hadn't shown up. I think my gut knew instantly that something up and that he was acting off.  Lately when I have this feeling I go into avoidance mode. But I couldn't because I had a lot of math homework left to do- the logical side of my brain was totally in control- and I didn't hide it.

 He sensed that I was upset (he is always asking if I am mad or upset and I am constantly saying no, and using more precise language like "no, I have my feelings hurt" or "no, I am just hopeful that things like this won't happen anymore), and when he asked I said "There is no point in you coming here anymore at this point. I am almost done with my homework and I should be there in about 15 minutes." He hurried and tried to make it right with a "no, I can come grab teddy, and blah blah blah" but I just told him that would not be necessary and that I would see him in 15 minutes.

Because my brain was in my mammalian mindset rather than my reptilian survival mode, I was able to logically think through what I was thinking, and what was making me upset. By doing my intelligence self-care, I was gave myself the gift of feeling mixed with logic. It was incredible, and so liberating. The drive home was me thinking about things that I had been avoiding thinking about. 

T and I got home, and I got the sense that J was on edge, and ready to fight if needed. I said hi, and started to get T ready for bed. As I was doing that, I got another disclosure in kind of an accusing/flippant kind of way. He had acted out. I asked him if it was before or after I had gotten off the phone with him, and he said before. 

I looked at him, started to cry, and said "You are tearing this family apart, and it doesn't even look like you care."

 J's face was priceless- I think after all these months of disclosures and my calm and collected reactions that he honestly thought that it wasn't hurting me that bad. Of course in true addict fashion, his first knee jerk reaction was to start to point out all of my flaws. 

He pointed out that I am horrible at saving and budgeting money- and that that could be the reason why we are drifting apart. I said, you're right, I am horrible at it, and I am working on it, but that is not the reason our marriage is failing, and that I wouldn't let him change the subject.

For the first time I think ever, I looked J in the eyes, and said "You are cheating on me. You are masterbating to pictures of OTHER WOMEN- That is CHEATING." I had never told him that straight up. He looked like he was in shock. I told him that every disclosure is a stab to the gut, and that lately I had felt like I had to suppress the pain because he wasn't doing anything about it, and I needed to evaluate what my options were because I couldn't live like this anymore. 

"Right now this is my life: I wake up and see that he's not in bed and I get a flashback of waking up to the same thing and going to find him only to see disgusting images on a screen and him hurrying to close the lid of his laptop, I get the mail hoping that I won't get a bombshell with victoria secret magazines like I did when we were first married, but that I still live with those images burned into my brain every single time I get the mail- and this is my everyday. Instead of wondering when your lunch is because I want to tell you all about my day, I'm wondering because I picture you sitting in some table against the wall looking at pictures of other women.... and so it goes. All day long. Numbing to avoid the pain, hating myself for numbing, but not knowing what to do with all of this but to shove it all down and ignore it."

I told him that the reason why I am so confused about this whole job thing is because the day before I had just come to terms that I could do this on my own- and that life would be better. Harder but better. I was one act-out away from asking for a separation, and then this whole thing happens. He decides he is out of control and that he wants to quit his job so he can take care of himself and his family and work recovery. Well where does that leave me?? I had just decided that I would be happier as a single mother than with a husband who cheats on me once a week now with virtual women! 

T started to fuss, so J took him upstairs and put him to bed. It gave me some time to do some extra self-care and what I needed emotionally was validation. So I opened up the book "your sexually addicted spouse," and all the validation in the world came flooding in. I was completely immersed when J finally came back down to finish our conversation.

He thanked me for being honest. He told me that suppressing all of this didn't help either of us.

And that's where we left it. I feel horrible and awesome all at the same time. Horrible because we haven't touched the subject since because there is no time. He is still at work before I wake up, and comes home as we are getting ready for bed.  Awesome because I finally got brave enough to speak my feelings and my pain and my thoughts with him, and I did it- despite my thinking that these words were too hard for him to hear. He needed to hear them I think just as much as I needed to speak them. 

So, back to the question: "Where does that leave me?" I don't know. But I finally feel brave enough to face wherever that is.

Self-imposed Isolation

Over the past couple of days I have gotten into the bad habit of self-imposed random bursts of isolation.

I know that it's good for me to be social and to talk about what is going on- but I just haven't wanted to. I have been horrible at answering texts, avoiding seeing anyone I don't absolutely have to see, avoiding talking to anyone via telephone. It's annoying. I hate it. But I don't know what to say.

I am so confused right now, I don't know what to tell people. Usually I can get by with just surface topics, but the problem with J quitting his job is that it is porn-related and yet un-porn-related. So people hear the fact: "J is giving his two-weeks-notice," and then when they ask for a reason or a plan I see on their faces, hear in their voices the question: WHY ON EARTH IS HE QUITTING HIS JOB WITHOUT A BACKUP PLAN??

Truth is: I don't want to tell the truth so I just say "He has been living out of his car and leaves the house when we are asleep and comes home after we are in bed- it's survival, it isn't living, and he has done as much as he can handle."

And then comes the sympathetic sighs and rubbing of my arm with pity in their eyes.

There is some vulnerability in that statement- but even that is too much for the few people we have told.

Pity.

Vulnerability hangover: and it's not even the full vulnerable truth.

I have been ignoring it. Hoping it goes away, but it isn't, and he officially gave his two weeks notice today. This is here to stay.

I am working on not jumping into "fix-it Ashley" mode. I will not plan out his life.

I also realized a few minutes after writing that last post that what he does doesn't have to affect my work. I still need to be doing my recovery no matter what he does or doesn't do.

So.

Self care.

Boundaries.

Bottomlines.

Oh. and I'm going to stop avoiding all these wonderful people heavenly father has randomly had call or text me so that maybe I can figure out exactly what I'm feeling right now.

Life, wait for me to catch up

My world is changing. 

Just when I come to terms with how it gets to be for now as I figure what I want my relationship to be with my husband, I get a curveball thrown my way.

He's quitting his job. Giving his two weeks notice so he can figure out what he wants out of life.

He has been home contemplating this move and getting over his illness for the four days, and honestly I don't know how to take it with him here all the time.

He finally realized how distanced I am from him, and he doesn't like it. He didn't notice before and I think he's a little freaked out. He is trying to fix it. He is trying to undo 6 months of pain in just a couple of days and doesn't understand when I don't just go back to leaning into him.

I have tried to explain it: "You can't expect months of pain to be erased by a couple of days of kindness." I have said it to him a million different ways to him- but he still can't wrap his mind around it. 

I don't know how, but I think he has forgotten that acting out and addict behavior hurts me. I don't understand how he doesn't get it, but I really don't think he does- and I think he thinks that this good behavior mixed with numbing on his iPad isn't fixing anything.  

As the Taylor Swift song says:

"Bandaids don't fix bullet holes

you say sorry just for show

When you live like that blood runs bad"

wth. What do I do now? What do I do when I don't have him being away at his job every day for 12+ hours everyday to protect me?

Just when I figure things out, I get to figure something new out again.

Choices

I have a love-hate relationship with social media. Hate because of the sometimes ignorant comments like the one I wrote about in one of my recent posts. But love because I follow some incredibly uplifting people/groups.

I follow the @BOM_365 on instagram, an account that reads the book of mormon slowly over the course of the year and asks relevant questions about the reading. This morning it asked a question that I have been wondering myself for a while. "Why do the wicked take the truth to be hard?" I had to chuckle.  I have been wondering the same thing lately- just replace the word "wicked" with "addict"- so much so that I decided to stop thinking about it so that I wouldn't go crazy! 

That was one of the things that I discovered about myself when I had my turnaround with prayer the other day- and something that I am working on every day: I don't want to be afraid to say or do something just because I don't think J will like it.

But it's funny- when I read that question, instantly another quote that I LOVE came into my mind:

(I love it so much that I just made this printable the other day and hung it in my house.) 

In my mind, it sort of answers the question. One of the biggest lies that the addict tells him/herself is that it doesn't affect anyone but them. I think that's what J is telling himself right now, and why he gets so upset when I tell him that his actions have an impact on me. Choice = Consequence. I don't understand it, because we have had this conversation before, but the addiction does things to his brain that I am starting to understand- and I know that one of those things is memory loss. Awesome. But the answer is this: When we sin and realize that we have to face the consequence that comes with it, we take the truth of that fact to be hard- VERY hard.

And that doesn't just apply to actions, it applies to non-actions too! I am affected when he chooses to not have any boundaries or bottomlines. 

Last night J had a run-in that felt like it shows this perfectly. He asked me to scratch his back under his shirt. The thought of skin-to-skin contact made me panic and started to bring on a trauma response (I can't control when those happen), so I told him that I felt uncomfortable scratching under the shirt- but that I would scratch over the shirt if he would like. He huffed and said that he was offended and then turned over. He didn't want to face the fact that his actions and non-actions caused me to feel uncomfortable and triggered.

Writing this is a little bit triggering because as I am typing, I realize that this scenario has been played before in my past, but with a completely different ending- usually it ends with him apologizing for hurting me, and telling me that he understands if I needed some space.

It was just something small- and usually I am alright doing it, but when an act-out was so recent, and I haven't seen any progress towards change my triggers and PTSD-like symptoms are so much more frequent. 

A week ago I probably would have just scratched his dang back and then dealt with the consequences of resentment and a magnifying of trauma today. But today I am proud of myself for sticking up for me! Slowly but surely I am building these NEW bottom lines and rights and here is the first one:

As a daughter of a God, I have the right to be able to say "no" to something when it makes me feel uncomfortable- even if it pertains to my husband.

If something (a situation, a movie, anything) makes me feel uncomfortable,  I will take it as a sign that I need to give myself some immediate attention and say "no" even when it's hard- no matter what. Because I am worth it.

(I should write a book: "Everything I needed to Know I Learned in Young Women." haha!)

Vulnerability Double-take

I have always loved the Brene Brown line that says something along the lines of "don't trust your vulnerability with just anybody- its okay and good to be your real to everyone, but to share the things that touch your shame- someone has to earn that right." You know, something like that.

I have told myself that before, and that is the main reason why only my family and (very) close friends know about J and the addiction- and a even smaller ring than that knows about this blog.

That being said, for some reason in my mind I didn't think that this rule applied to J.  I get so uptight around him because I am so used to being so dang vulnerable around him. I didn't realize it, but I guess I watch him? He told me that he constantly catches me glaring at him and watching him. 

Doesn't surprise me.

I think I'm just trying to figure out where the logic is in his actions.

But I decided that I don't have to be miserable when he's around- even though I have the right to be hurt by his actions and lack of recovery work. I have decided that I am going to apply that piece of advice here and be aloofly pleasant. Just like a roommate that I get to live with- but can't stand their habits. I still have to live with them, so you get to make things work, but I don't have to share all my deepest darkest feelings all the time.

I applied it last night- and it resulted in a drama-free evening. I think the withdrawn and addict side of J enjoyed it (we are both masters of the small talk game). I think living like this while I figure out what the heck I want will make the time be more pleasant. I think that when/if J ever decides to enter recovery again, he will notice and then work hard to make our relationship deep again.

It'll be another sign that he is working recovery.

So on my part, that means that I get to turn elsewhere to talk out my pain. This blog is great, and I have a few WoPA friends that I talk to, so I think I call pull this off and that it will help me work towards being more secure and solid in my recovery. I am still working on my boundaries and bottom-lines- and I think this will also help me focus on that.

Embrace

This morning for the first time in forever I actually knelt down and prayed- I didn't just lay in bed and mumble a quick "please bless this day to be good" - I prayed. 

It's amazing how being brutally honest with God helps you to be more brutally honest with yourself.

Here is what I learned about myself this morning:

1. That I am lonely

2. That I am still afraid of doing something that will trigger my husband

3. I have been passive to my husband without realizing it

4. I have the right to speak my mind

5. No matter what I do, I can't avoid pain

6. I have an older brother who has already felt this pain, and will help me bear it

7. I have no idea how I'm going to let him

8. I am closer to the end my tolerance of this addiction than I thought

9. I refuse to stay married to an active addict

10. I missed the spirit, I missed prayer, I missed the power it brings to my life

It's a whole lot to take in. What led to this prayer after almost a full 6 months of kneeling-down-spoken-outloud prayer hiatus?

Last night I tried to connect with my husband. We have done "check-ins" (almost) every night since we were about halfway through Lifestar. Last night he checked in, and said that he had been clean, and that he has a void in his spiritual life that he wants to fill... but that it doesn't sound like fun so he doesn't want to fill it. It was vague, so I asked a probing question about something he had said to me earlier that day: That he didn't want an iPhone because that is 12 hours of the day when he wouldn't be acting out (when he is at work). I thought it was interesting since he has a whole lot of access at home- an iPad, an Apple TV, and consequently an (albeit brick-like) phone with internet access since he hasn't asked me to block it for him this month. I asked him about it without speaking my mind (oh hello passiveness), and I got another vague answer.

So I went to check in. I was honest and vague myself. I said that emotionally I was feeling raw. Usually he is pretty good at asking a probing question when I give a vague answer like that, but he just sat there and looked at me without saying a word. I finished my check-in, and then asked him a question: "Do you care about my recovery? I am just curious if you care about me or my recovery." He answered "I just know that if we get into talking about it, we will move into talking about my recovery or lack thereof and it will turn into this big long thing and I'm tired and want to go to bed." I looked at the clock. It was only 9:00. He had just said that he wanted to be in bed by 9:30- and had taken Nyquil for his cold. The last couple of nights he had said that he needed to kill half an hour until the medicine kicked in, so we would watch a TV episode or something. That should have given me at least 1/2 and hour of time where he could have been supportive and listened, but he chose to not. I told him that it felt like he cared more about sleeping than trying to heal us and our relationship, and he calmly said "yes, that's right."

I just stared.

He started to pretend to fall asleep sitting up. 

I left the room and went to bed not knowing what to think. This hadn't happened since Provo- the time I look at as my personal hell.

I thought of all the times he called me during his work day just so he could vent about things that he didn't like at work the past couple of weeks. I think of all the times I just listened and empathized with him. I did it because I love him- not expecting anything in return. And yet when I needed just that, I got a non-verbal message from him saying that sleep was more important than my feelings. No remorse. Just bitterness that I keep bringing it up.

So that brings me back to the prayer. I woke up this morning after hitting rock bottom emotionally. I didn't know where to turn at 6:00 in the morning. I instantly opened up instagram on my phone to numb and look at other people's happy lives- but luckily something better happened. I saw a verse of scripture:

Pray Always that you may come off conquerer; yea that you may conquer Satan, and that you may escape the hands of the servants of Satan that do uphold his work.

D&C 10:5

I had my answer. 

I prayed.

And now I just have embrace all the answers I got. Thank you Heavenly Father for always being there to be my listening ear.

TED talk fail

This week has been full of triggers:

No set boundaries on my husband's part means that I am constantly being triggered by stupid things that wouldn't trigger me ordinarily. 

So I get onto Facebook to numb from that debatical, and I find post a status that friend of mine written that said that had gone to a BYU address where the speaker couldn't stress enough how you should never "turn away" your spouse, and then shared a Ted Talk about a "Sex-Starved" marriage- of course I watched half of it before I turned it off, but the first half was SO BAD- more than enough material in the first 7 minutes to hit any WoPA's shame button. That was most triggering because I had actually had a conversation with her before about how Porn hurts marriage.

That being said: I need to talk some sense into my little brain over here and tell myself things that I already know.

First, it's a good thing that if I was going to watch that video, I watched it knowing what I know today, rather than when I was first married and would have taken every word to heart.

Second, Maybe there is some truth in her message to couples who aren't made out of at least 50% sex addict. Ugh

The thing that was most triggery was that her message was that it was almost word-for-word what J says when he doesn't feel like he is getting enough. Addict terminology. And she made it seem like THAT was the real cause of divorces all around the country. She called her self a marriage resuscitator, and that she helped "9-1-1 marriages" In her professional opinion, one person not getting enough sex meant not getting enough love- and a marriage cannot survive without that "love."

I've been thinking about it, and I think I know what I would say to her if I could say anything:

Sex doesn't equal love. Yes, it is good within a faithful marriage and builds the marriage stronger. But, yes, withholding sex when you don't feel safe to do so can also save a marriage. Forcing yourself to have sex with your partner when you don't feel safe creates resentment. Resentment is also a relationship killer. Porn is a relationship killer and a sex-life killer. So YES, I will say no when I am feeling betrayed in my sex-life. 

I feel like in sensitive topics like these, there should most definably be some kind of disclaimer saying that this doesn't apply to those who have been sexually betrayed, because you bet your bottom dollar that the people who will go seeking out those types of videos are those who need help in that area. That advice would have shamed me to no end before I know what I know now. I sure as heck hope that if someone in my situation found that link, that they also found help in other resources like Rhyll Recovery, or the Recovery Blogs.

So that is how I learned the hard way: You can't trust every TED talk you watch.

Like Brushing my Teeth

Back when we were in Lifestar, I would say these things over and over in my head. This is cure to trauma recovery. I used to chant it in my head as I walked around my house: "Self care and boundaries and bottom lines, Oh My!"

It was so spelled out- so integrated into my life. It helped me So. Much. 

I had a checklist in my mind- and I made sure each one of the little points got checked off before I went to bed each night. At first, I did it out of compliance, and then I saw it actually helping my life. Even though I was just going through the motions in the beginning- because I was going through the RIGHT motions, I was able to slowly heal.

Now that I am starting to physically heal enough to start focusing on healing everything else, I am ready to start going through the RIGHT motions again. And as a list person ( I am a first-born after all), I thought I would try to remember all the things I would check off in my head as I went through the motions that will help move me towards healing.

It was pretty simple:

Self Care.

Boundaries.

Bottom lines.

Self Care was mostly what I focused on during the day.

Self Care consisted of four categories:

Physical.

Spiritual.

Emotional.

Social.

I made sure I did something to build myself in each of those categories- even if it was right before bed, and I realized that I hadn't done one or two of them- I would hurry and do at least something to check it off.

Every time I felt a little uncomfortable, I pulled out my bottom line list and figured out why I was feeling uncomfortable. If it was something addressed on the bottom line list, I made sure and did the thing on my boundary list that was associated with it- if it wasn't addressed, I took time to figure out what was making me feel uncomfortable, and create a bottom line to help me feel safe and keep it from going past the uncomfortable stage into trauma response.

Boundaries were at least glanced at every single night before going to bed. 

These were the habits I was in during the healthiest time of my life- Even before meeting J. I wish I had those habits, I think it would have helped me to not be so co-dependent once I had met him.

These are the things that I can commit to doing right now. I am going to add one category to my self-care list, though, and that is intellectual. I want to build my mind. (and I think it will help me to do well in my online classes again.)

It's just like brushing my teeth- it stops the trauma from building up. It makes me stronger day by day- even though it might not be fun at first- it FEELS so good once I have done it.

Baby steps.

How I feel about addiction

I know it's friday, but I haven't touched that book, being in survival mode and all, so I guess that gives everyone who wanted in on the book club a chance to catch up and get to Chapter 3 next week.

When things are going well with J and the addiction, I rarely think of Porn in a literal sense. I think of it as "the addiction"- It hurts less to think of the chemical bindings in his head rather than think of what he is actually addicted to. And then I get a disclosure- a lot like I got a few days ago, and then BAM it all hits me- porn. Oh that's right- my husband is addicted to looking at other women and masturbating (I hate that word.). Nice. That addiction I think about every once in a while is linked to something that hurts. I guess that's how it is with all addictions- they are harmful because it hurts not only themselves, but other people. But, it's not like Tobacco- Tobacco would be annoying and hurtful to be sure- but Sex addiction directly impacts us. He is addicted to something that is built and designed to tear marriages and relationships apart.

We were starting to talk about having another baby. I have two conditions before that happens:
1. He needs to be consistent about telling me at least 24 hours after he acts out. 2. At least three months of sobriety. We were getting close- I was getting in the mindset of having another baby. And then this bomb was dropped. He looked at porn a month ago- meaning that this last month that I was getting in this mindset, he had stopped the baby train without telling me. Awesome.

That being said, I am soo glad that he did tell me before we actually were pregnant- I never want to feel resentment to a baby that I haven't met yet "trapping" me in a marriage ever again. My son has been the biggest blessing, and I love him so much and can't imagine my life without him- but I deeply regret not being able to use those nine months of him in my belly as bonding time. I wish I had been able to spend more than just the last two months (when I decided I didn't care what my husband was doing, he wouldn't ruin this for me) being anxious to meet the special spirit inside of me. I refuse to even risk losing time having to deal with pregnancy hormones and the stupid thoughts of whether I may have to raise the baby alone in order to keep us all safe.  So what I am saying is that I would rather deal with this relapse as a non-pregnant woman rather than a pregnant woman. Even though I am missing the idea of having a baby- I miss that baby! I wanted him/her so bad! I was ready. I was confident about moving forward- and wasn't ever planning on having to deal with a relapse ever again.

I guess I got so caught up in my thoughts of the future that I honestly didn't see this one coming. I got worried and anxious when he started buying new technology- and then when he threw his bottom-lines out of the window- but I was so wrapped up in my hopes for the future that I didn't fathom that anything would happen like it has in the past to thwart that happiness.

Lesson Learned.

I have decided to re-look at my rights and boundaries with fresh eyes, and see what I need to do now that I am in a totally new situation- having gone through therapy, and knowing that he also knows what's healthy, even if he threw it all out the window- I feel like I need to look at it and maybe tweak some things. I think it'll be good for me- get them fresh in my mind again.

Survival Rant

I have got to blow some steam on here, get ready for a rant fest.

To be completely honest, I have totally gone into isolation mode. It takes a lot for me to admit that. I have the flu and so does my son- and we have had it for over a month. It is wearing on me. I know other people are sick of me not being able to do anything because of this illness because I'm sick of giving that out as an excuse! But it's true! I have reached my breaking point. I never have done well at being a sick person- but I get by with help from my over the counter cold medicine- but not even that helps with this illness! And to have a sick baby on top of it? It. Is. Freaking. Hard. I have turned to numbing- throw on some disney for my little coughing guy, and veg. 

And to put some icing on this lovely cake: J woke me up at midnight so that he could admit to me that he acted out- and that it wasn't the first time, he had been acting out for a while and is starting to feel out of control. Ya think? He kept taking about his long hours and how he can't cope with the fact that he never gets to see us- and I didn't know how to tell him that his long hours have been my friend these last few weeks! I can't handle being around him and dealing with trauma and triggers when I have a sick baby and a sick mommy to take care of. I can't take all of it- I'm just one person. I just listened to him and nodded and asked if there was anything else he had been hiding from me- and he unloaded more. Then I went to sleep- woke up at 4:00 to take care of my little guy, went to bed at 5:00, only to be woken up by J's alarm. Eventually I fell back asleep and woke up at 7:15 onthe dot to a very grumpy baby and a pretty grumpy mom. Tomorrow little T is getting tubes in his ears and I pray that helps.  My parents live 5 minutes away, but I don't want their help, because with it comes drama- they are in survival mode themselves. Life is hectic right now. I sure hope this is the tipping point where everything gets better. 

Rant over. Thanks for reading.

Proud

I know what you're thinking: twice in one day!? Oh yeah. Making up for lost time. But also- I am so freaking proud of myself I just had to share. 

J came home last night with a new iPad. I admittedly was worried- but felt calm about it- I think it was all the self care that I had done that day. He was really good about it, and we spent almost the entire evening hanging out and flirting. It was so fun. The iPad only came out once during the whole evening, and the whole time he talked about all the good he was going to do with it.

Fast forward to today- still a little apprehensive about the iPad being in my home and unlocked and completely unmonitored, I made sure to do some extra self care- I'm doing the whole30 diet which sucks but makes me feel really good about the self discipline I am gaining. Also, I had two great conversations with my two favorite WoPA pals. So overall, I felt good, and then on top of it I went to the gym with my two sisters and had a blast while J put down our son. 

I came home in high spirits because I have been taking good care of myself- and the second I walked through the door I saw J on the couch on his iPad alone in the dark. *Instant read flag* I sat down and we talked about my gym experience and how much I loved it- and then I asked how our son had went down and about his new iPad. He talked for a minute about it and then was like "I looked at not very good pictures" *instant numbness*

(And here is where I am proud of myself)I didn't jump into "save J" mode- he admitted that he was waiting for it, but realized that I wasn't going to save him when I said "do you need a minute of alone time?" After a long silence. I told him that it was heavy on me to be the only one who knew. I told him that I didn't want to be his accountability partner or his "check in" person, but that I was here to help- and that knowing that he was working on it is what I needed to hear from him- as that is what helps me best.

Guys!! Bah!!! I went up to bed with boundaries in place, and so pleased with that reaction. I am at peace with where I am- and at peace with the different paths I have chosen based on his actions. Crazy. 

I love recovery work. 

Engagement talks

So naturally now that my sister is engaged, we talk about how hard it is to be engaged A LOT. Last night was especially hard for her for details I won't go into, but it was crazy good for me. For once I realized this: Being engaged is HARD. No matter what. No matter the issues and how different they are from mine. It's just HARD. 

Mine was hard because I knew that J had a Porn Addiction, and we were working to get to the temple. I was totally in codependent behavior- trying to control everything. It drove me crazy. But the point of the story is this: We did get to the temple, so we had to have done something right.

We created a game- an engagement game with points that determined how great of a date night we had at the end of the week. It forced us (because we are both fiercely competitive) to do what we needed to do daily to get to our end goal. 

Well, I thought of that game last night while I was on the phone with my sister, and went and dug it up so I could send it to her! I also thought, "hey! maybe someone reading this is engaged or knows someone who's engaged who could use this!" And then I thought- How much better of a person would I be if I tweaked this game and made it so that I am more awesome today! So here it is: For anyone who would like to use it:

Goals

“Key Indicators”

1.     BIG GOAL:

a.     June 4^th. 2011. Provo Temple. Temple Marriage.

b.     10:00 a.m.

2.     Daily Key Indicators:

a.     Point system:

                                               i.     10 “Do Not” points possible a day

                                              ii.     15 Do points a day

1.     Scriptures = 3 points

2.     Morning Prayer = 2

3.     Nightly Prayer = 2

4.     Exercise = 2

5.     Reading half hour = 2

6.     Recording/Reporting points = 3

7.     Journal = 1 point

                                            iii.     Repentance points  (0-5)

1.     This can be used as a bonus or as a make up

2.     Only your co partner can reward or determine the amount of points earned.

a.     Activities may include service

b.     Extra mile activities

b.     Every Night we will record and report our points for the day to each other.  Also we will record the points on our individual calendars with our points for the day.

c.      Points will or can be redeemed at 500 points or 1000 points for varied rewards

                                               i.     500 points

1.     dinner (15-20 dollars)

2.     Theatre Movie night

3.     Shopping (clothes)

4.     Ice Skating

                                              ii.     1000 points

1.     Fancy Dress Up dinner

2.     An outfit (shopping)

3.     Opera!!! ;)

3.     Weekly Goals

a.     At the end of each week we will tally our points and report to the bishop

b.     Once a week we will go to the temple

                                               i.     At first we will go on the grounds to enjoy the spirit there and reflect about our desires to go there

                                              ii.     Once we are worthy to attend the temple we will go once a week to perform vicarious ordinances for those who have passed on.

4.  These cause chain reactions. Weekly goals lead to monthly goals, which leads to the eternal goal of Temple Marriage. Which is what we know will bring us the most joy!

Update

Here is my update:

• It's funny that I'm reading a book about shame, and yet didn't post on Friday, and am feeling shameful about it... but I tell myself that I shouldn't feel shame... and yet there it is. 
• J and I have had some (drama filled?) talks lately about our relationship, and how we feel like we are totally growing apart. I feel like part of it is that we are both living in fear about what the other person is thinking/feeling/doing/not doing. It's a scary time for me. Especially because last night during a discussion that definitely took a turn for drama, J was saying things that I was trying to ignore. I think I did a pretty good job- too good of a Job, because his insults and jabs got worse and worse- and then he grabbed me to get my attention- INSTANT trauma response on my part. I slept on the couch because I knew there was no point in me even asking him to do so- he was so in addict/drama mode there was no going back. I slept on the couch to stay safe and to abide by my bottom lines, and I am so glad I did. I respect myself so much more than I would had I just stayed in bed.
• I have been contemplating starting a business with J- but right now that just seems like a stupid idea. 

So there is my update- I am going to continue to have my goal of writing on here every day, and I will not let my set-backs take that away from me- take that shame.

Why does everything seem so horrible late at night?

I am making a new commitment to go to bed early so that I can stay out of drama. No matter what... And if I can't- I am making a commitment to keep my mouth shut and to walk away. There. I said it outloud.