what a way to bring in the new year.

So here is the big news:

J signed up for Addo Recovery all by himself.

I was so excited about it because like I said, I don't believe words anymore, just actions, and that was definitely an action.

But I haven't heard anything about it since, and he has been really irritable lately. I'm just not "enough" lately. But I have totally been in survival mode the last few weeks. My little guy is on his starting on his third straight week of ear infections. THIRD STRAIGHT WEEK. Little to no sleep wears on me. Bad. I'm lucky if I get  a shower every three days because my hubby works 60+ hour weeks and I don't have much help around the house or at night because he has to get up early. I'm exhausted. But I guess in all of that, I forgot to ask about how his day at work was. Whoops.

Ugh.

We haven't had a real fight in a long long time because we have gotten pretty good at talking things through before we blow up, but tonight we had a doozy. He was pushing all of my buttons- and I was pushing his. I am sure glad I have this little blog of mine to vent on- I don't know what I would do without it.

Welcome to the world, 2015.

Why do we fall, Bruce?

Hey-

Why is it that we are always sick over here? Last night we were in urgent care trying to figure out why my little ones fever wouldn't go down- well turns out his ear infection from never went away even after the antibiotics. Poor baby! The lack of sleep and winter sickie germs gave me a pretty awful cold with a nice fever of my own.... We've watched a ton a ton of movies the past two days- one of which was Finding Nemo. During the shark addict scene I giggled. The first time I ever watched the show, I didn't really get it- I had to have it explained to me that people at Alcoholics Anonymous use the same greetings in their groups- and then I thought it was hilarious and got the puns. The first time I ever went to LDS twelve steps for the wives- part of what cracked the ice for me was when I said my name- and they said "hello Ashley" in unison.... I thought it was hilarious because who would have guessed I would ever needed support? And yet- in that moment I got it!! I needed support! 

Watching that part was a little reminder too that I hadn't written on here- whoops!  Well now I did, and tomorrow I will tell you all the big news! Tata for now, this sickie is taking a nap!

Shame Church Talk

Soooo, I was about to go into shame about not posting again yesterday, and I will write a whole post tomorrow about why (I'm telling you, it's big!) Anyway, today I gave that talk in church! I am sure you will recognize parts of it, because part of it came from my blog! haha! Gotta love recovery work- totally helps when you're in a pinch and have to write a talk. Love you my WoPA pals! Thanks for loving me like unto thyself! (you'll get it after you read my talk ;) haha!

The topic I was given today was “goals” I figure that there have been enough talks about how to set goals, and which goals to set, so I wanted to address an important topic that tends to stand in the way when we set goals- and almost always wins the battle. Shame. Shame is hard to define, but luckily, my favorite researcher over at Texas University, Dr. Brene Brown who studies both shame and vulnerability created a definition for us:

Shame is "Intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging."

Here are the differences between 4 things that previously I had thought were all basically the same thing: Embarrassment, Humiliation Guilt, and Shame. Here are the basics:

Embarrassment: Least powerful- mostly embarrassing situations that can happen.

Shame: "I am bad" Behavior makes you a bad person

Guilt: "I did something bad" Not condoning behavior you are not proud of.

Humiliation: "People believe they deserve their Shame, but they don't feel that they deserve humiliation."

Shame is thinking "I am such a bad mother for feeding my child so much candy" Guilt is thinking "I am feeding my child more candy than I would like." Do you see the difference? Have you heard the phrase "people don't change?" It is so so so much easier to change a behavior rather than changing a belief that you hold about yourself!! Guilt motivates change- Shame paralyzes.

God gave us guilt. According to LDS.org, All people are born with the capacity to distinguish between right and wrong. This ability, called conscience, is a manifestation of the Light of Christ . When we do something wrong, it is called “Remorse” or “guilt” True to form the adversary takes something that is god-given and twists it- giving us shame because he “seeketh all men to be miserable like-unto himself” 2^nd Nephi 2:27.

How Shame keeps us from reaching our goals:

Characteristics of Shame:

·      Seeks Social Isolation and Emotional Withdrawal

·      Feels Lack of Trust in one’s self

·      Experiences Constricted Spontaneity

·      Repeats similar mistakes

·      Relies on Rigid Behavior

  Characteristics of Guilt:

·      Participates in the social process of recovery from Shame

·      Trusts one’s opinion and feelings

·      Experiences Joy

·      Learns from Past Experience

·      Approaches problems with flexibility

-Dr. Tim Sheehan

Not only can Shame stop us from achieving our goals, it can stop us from feeling like we are able to even set goals in the first place!

So, I know what I want you to be thinking right now: I want you to be thinking “Ashley, if shame can make you freeze and stops you from moving forward, HOW on EARTH do you get out of it?” Doesn’t it seem like one big trap?

God gives us the antidote- It's in Leviticus: "Love thy neighbor as thyself"

Let’s go back to my girl, Dr. Brene Brown’s research: She found that the one thing that combats Shame is EMPATHY! Empathy. Crazy right? The thing that gets us out of our Shame Freeze is hearing someone else say “I understand, I’ve been there too” or “That’s happened to me too” or “It’s okay, you’re normal. – Because shame tells us the exact opposite: “Don’t tell anyone- it’s not normal” or “no one understands what it’s like.” But as you are able to share your goals with others, you’ll see that you are more like your fellow human beings than you thought. If you thought of a goal you want to set, but don’t think anyone else would get it- chances are the person sitting in the pew right behind you has thought the same thing about himself or herself. It takes vulnerability. Don’t they say that goals that are said out loud are 60% more likely to happen- 80% if you share it with someone else!

So go ahead! Share your goals with someone- be willing to be vulnerable- Who knows? You may even find in that person a desire to work on the same thing and who will work on it at the same time as you! Love thy neighbor as thyself, and get out of the shame that is holding you back.

In the Name of Jesus Christ Amen.

BOOK CLUB!! Chapter 2: Shame Resilience and the Power of Empathy

So This week as I was reading the chapter, I had in mind the fact that I speak in church in the back of my mind. The subject of the talk is goals. I was having a hard time of it until I realized that "Goals" is a pretty broad subject- I didn't have to talk about which goals to set, or how to set them- I could just talk about some of the things that get in the way of accomplishing goals- and Shame, Fear, and Lack of Vulnerability are a few of them of them.

So that's what I was thinking about when I started out this chapter, and the subject of shame resiliency is perfect! There is nothing that can make us freeze up and not achieve goals more than shame. 

I love that she comes write out and says that shame is unavoidable. As long as we crave connection, the threat of disconnection- which leads straight to shame- will always be there. But we can gain a resiliency by recognizing shame when we experience it and learn to "move through it in a constructive way that allows us to maintain our authenticity and grown from our experiences." Shame breeds fear, blame, and disconnection- and the only way to conquer shame is with Empathy which breeds courage compassion and connection.

Yo-yo

So today was christmas- and I get SO giddy about christmas time. Hubby, baby and I went over to my parent's house to spend the holiday! I would tease and joke and flirt with my husband in my excitement- and then I would look at him and remember that I haven't had a check-in in over a month, and we used to do it every night and that he rented a red-box by himself two days ago after watching the trailer with me and knowing that there was a "scene" in it.

There ended up not being a scene, so he didn't "act out," but it wasn't until I came straight out and asked him that he dug deep and realized that there were ulterior motives there that he realized it had been a close one.... but then I never heard anything about work that he had done about it after that realization.

But bringing it back to christmas, and me going back and forth between being fun and giddy and feeling unsafe... I didn't realize I was really doing it. It was just a complete turn off if he flirted or joked first- it was only okay if I called the shots.

It wasn't until J called me out on it- and on how it made him hurt that I was doing it that I realized it was even going on. He said he felt like he was a yo-yo, and that I was yanking the chain. Obviously, I know how that feels. So I apologized about the chain-jerking, but was able to explain why I couldn't stay in that happy mood more permanently.

He took a second to get out of victim mode, which I appreciated, and we had a really good talk. And here is what it comes down to:

1: J wants to go back to counseling, and misses it. (YAY- I've been waiting for it to be his idea and finally it was!)

and

2: I need time to heal, and some slack to be able to do it on my own time table- and he agrees!

Thank you Christmas Angels- you gave me a miracle! :)

Proposal

Guys. Yesterday was  the first day (and I'm hoping the last) since my commitment to write on this blog every day. Now. Ordinarily, I would beat up on myself, but I have learned better than to let Shame get the best of me. Let me just tell you WHY I missed writing on here yesterday, because it was a very busy and full and amazing day.

First: I met Laurie from Finding my Healing and had my very first face to face meeting with a fellow Blogger WoPA! I have my girls from LifeStar, but she is the first contact from the internet web of awesome WoPA sisters that I have met face to face! It was so fun, and so good to just chat and KNOW that we understood each other better than most people, such a healing thing for me!

Second: My sister got engaged, and I wasn't bitter about it- in fact I was completely ecstatic for her. It's so crazy that only a year ago (and I was talking to Laurie about this) I would look at newly in love couples, couples who just got engaged, or were googly eyed at each other in the halls at school, and I would purposefully be that awkward person who would walk between them... BAHAHA!! I feel so silly admitting that! But seriously. I would act oblivious so that they thought I was just distracted by my thoughts or by my phone... you know. But while I was walking between them, I would always think to myself. "This is just the start- once you find out about his porn issue, you wouldn't want to stand so close anyway." Bah! That makes me sound crazy- but it's true! It is an absolute miracle that my little baby amazing sister is getting engaged to a guy- and I am happy about it. Do I think she's a bit disillusioned about what marriage will be like? yes. Do I think she will call me crying because of fights or difficult things that might arise while you are figuring out how to be married? Probably. But you know what? She asked all the questions that she needed to ask- and she did all the research that she needed to do. Does that always prove to be correct? no. 

But what I got out of this whole experience is this: We all have our lives to live, and we are all doing our best to live the best life we can give to ourselves. Before, I hated hearing about people getting engaged- because to me, I had a beautiful engagement story, even if it wasn't perfect. And because of that- I  thought I could see through these "beautiful engagement stories" and see what was REALLY going to happen to them once the rose colored glasses come off. And it may actually come down to that- But guess what I realized about myself as I was sitting there crying for joy with my sister? I changed. I am still okay being there to comfort, and chear and just be there for the really incredibly hard parts of life- but I am learning that I am also just as happy to be there for the really happy times too! 

It is so liberating- I feel like I don't have to be a slave to my bitterness anymore- and with that goes my desire to push my bitterness onto other people! I think Abe Lincoln said it perfectly:

"This is a world of compensations; and he who would be no slave, must consent to have no slave. Those who deny freedom to others, deserve it not for themselves; and, under a just God, can not long retain it."

The religion talk

So remember a few posts back when I was talking about how religion was a touchy subject in J and I's marriage? 

Well, today is the day that the topic got brought up again.... and.... it went soooo good! We were able to talk about some of the things we have in common. I was able to relate to his distaste for mormon culture- but love for the doctrine, and how hard it is to separate the two sometimes.

We were also both able to share some of our personal beliefs that differed a little bit- and it was refreshing to have those differences not turn into a fight.

The conversation turned to how we want to open that conversation channel again- and I can't tell you how happy that made me.

Lots of tears were shed, hearts were opened.

I would saw that today was a win