Vulnerable post that I've been working on for forever.

I'm going into it again, because I can't stop thinking about it, the women on the other side of the equation. 

I read this article and my heart just explode with about a million different emotions.

First, I was incredibly grateful and relieved that there was someone in this world who is fighting for these children

Second, I was so stricken by two of the things that were said:  "Human rights organizations agree there are at least 21 million victims of human trafficking in the world today, including 2 million children.

It is absolutely appalling to me that there are 2 million children in the world who are forced through this filth. But the part that struck me the hardest was the math that I did in my head: 21 million victims minus 2 million child victims means that 19 million of the other victims are my heavenly sisters and brothers.

My heart just ached with that figure.

And then I read this line: 

“The problem of child sex slavery is 100 percent the societal consequence of our pornographic world,” Ballard explains. “Pornography is a drug. Adult pornography is marijuana, and child pornography is the cocaine. When people move on to child pornography, eventually they want the real thing..."

My goodness, I feel like my life has led up to me reading that article- some dam inside of me broke. Can I explain?

It all began last week. 

Monday of last week I watched this video on Addo about a woman going public through her blog. (I think you have to be signed in to Addo to see the video, and if you don't have a log-in, you should get one!) Watching that video was just so eye-opening to me. 

Then I happened across this article by fight the new drug with russell brand talking about what viewing pornography be it soft or hardcore porn is doing to brains. And then hearing him be real about it- that it feels wrong, and that its extremely hard for him to stop- just matter-of-fact like that- no shame in it.

and that led me to that article which broke this incredible dam inside of me, something that I want so bad. Something that I have been dreaming of ever since I can remember. The reason why I am a women's studies minor. But something that I have felt like I could never do because I truly felt like I was a bad person. I felt like the rest of my life I would be playing catch up to the really good people, and despite the fact that I have a huge testimony of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I felt like I was damaged goods.

So here it goes: My "biggest and worst secret" I haven't told anyone ever besides maybe 5 people- and even that is a recent thing. The thing that I don't want to be a secret any more because it's something that I am actually extremely proud that I overcame- and still am overcoming every day:

Guys. I was addicted to romance novels and masterbation from the ages of 12-21. TEN YEARS. I have been sober for 3 1/2 years, with a six month period right before that. The one-time break that I had when in between is when I realized that I had been white-knuckling it in hopes that marriage would fix my cravings, and it didn't. And that was it- I have been clean ever since. IT WAS HARD. I forced myself to find new hobbies, to focus on other things. I did it cold turkey it- which I know is not common- but combined with my work as a WoPA, I feel I was able to heal emotionally to the point where I didn't feel as damaged.

I am shaking as I write this. Who does this? Who writes their deepest darkest secrets and puts them on the internet for everyone to read? Oh! I do. haha. For some reason, it has been okay for me to put my hurt about my husband's addiction online, but not to be hurt about this.

Writing this when I know my only audience is women who have been hurt by a partner's addiction- or people whom I respect and trust enough to have access to this blog is hard. I am scared of judgement. I am scared that people will think less of me, and I am scared that I will lose this little support group that I feel I have on here. 

But I am putting this up here because it is a part of my story! It is a part of my healing. It is a part of who I have become. I am putting this up here despite of the fear- perhaps as a way to abolish the fear all together- to prove to myself what I tell my husband frequently: You are not the addiction- you are you, and overcoming this will make you a stronger you.

So. Here I am declaring that I will not be afraid of my past anymore. I am not damaged goods. I will not keep it a secret that I will take to the grave like I thought for those 10 years that I would. I will not be another person who contributes even one millimeter towards that awful world of trafficking- in fact, I want to help fight against it.

I always was one of those girls who wrote in her diary thinking "One day when I have changed the world, someone is going to read this entry in my diary and say "Look, that was when she was just a normal little girl and now look what she has become." I have always wanted to change the world. I watched girl rising (here is a link to a trailer), and get all fired up thinking that someday I will do something to help girls like these amazing, brave, and beautiful women.

But that feeling always went away when I thought about the things that I had done for those ten years; along with the fact that I feel that those choices had me thinking that marrying an addict would save the both of us. I thougt of where my choices have gotten me, and I would think that I had lost my chance to do that. To change the world for the better.

I am sometimes embarrassed because I change my career plans so much- but I am realizing that it is because I am always trying to find something that will make me feel as fulfilled as my original goal to help these women I am so drawn to: to start or run some sort of organization to help these girls that my heart sings out to all over the world. So I say I will become a doctor or a dentist or a lawyer- all for the intent of helping people- hoping that maybe I can do doctors without boarders, or some other cool thing that would at least be similar to helping these women that I am so drawn to on the other side of the world- but nothing has hit the mark for me yet.

I still don't know what I am going to do- but I want to be true to myself and true to who I have always wanted to be. And I am going to start by owning the struggles that I have- my own personal ones- and stop deflecting and pushing onto my husband. I am ready to stop worrying so much about him- he is doing a good enough job at doing that himself- And I am going to focus on me and explore what I am going to do about what I want out of my future. Is this how changing the world starts? I don't know- but just writing this post is changing my world, and right now, that's all that matters.

The process

Recovery-wise: Yesterday was amazing. Seriously awesome. 

J chose on his own to go to therapy. Say What?? Yes. You heard correctly- he chose to go to therapy on his own. 

I am used to being the one in our relationship to be doing recovery work. I got comfortable in the role and I liked it. I liked being the one to bring up hard conversations. I liked being the one who controlled where I was going. I got used to the idea that I was moving away from him as I did recovery work and he didn't. I liked being able to say: It doesn't matter what he does, I am going to take care of myself and let him be a big boy and be in charge of himself.

Welp. Now that he is doing recovery, I am thrown for a loop. I don't know how to describe it so I will try to process it on here.

I think I liked how easy it was to NOT trust him at all as he didn't do any recovery work. I liked how hard he tried to make me happy in other ways- like waking up with the little one so I could sleep in and helping me clean the house. I liked being successful roommates who didn't have to think about anything sexual/lovey-dovey in our relationship because I didn't feel safe.

Now that he is not just saying that he is doing recovery work- but actually doing the actions of going to therapy, signing up for group therapy every wednesday, being in the present moment, and opening up about the hard topics- I have never felt more confused.

I loved it while he was at therapy, I loved thinking about the fact that he had done therapy while he was away from me at work, but once he got home from work and was around, physically, my body was confused.

For so long I had been pushing away, I didn't realize how him doing recovery work would make him look more attractive to me... and yet there is not very much trust there. It's so confusing.

My mind subconsciously goes like this:

He went to therapy today!! :D

The therapist is a girl and he said he thought she was pretty. :(

He wants to connect!! :D

How long is this going to last? :(

Ugh.

Let's just go back to how genuinely happy and excited you were to see him?? 

When was the last time that happened?

*insert return to happy feelings*

I think I want to kiss him!! :D

*insert flashback of kisses I gave just so he would forget about the porn women* :(

Is that how I am feeling now? 

Am I just kissing him because I want to or because I don't want him to look at other women?

It is so stupid that I can't just enjoy a kiss from my husband

*insert bitter feelings*

Just smile and walk away so you can figure this shiz out, Ash.

And so suddenly it becomes very confusing for him too!

Consciously this is what happens:

Me: HI!! *super excited to see him*

Him: Opens up about therapy

Me: That is awesome! *super happy he is wanting to connect about recovery work, super bummed that I can't get out of my head that he said his therapist was a girl and was pretty. Even thought that is so amazing for him to be able to connect with a pretty girl without having any sexual thoughts come to his head doesn't help me and my fear cycle.* So I go quiet.

Him: Wants to connect somemore

Me: Can't because I am in my fear cycle

Him: I JUST WANT TO CONNECT

Me: Sorry I can't be like your PRETTY THERAPIST 

then we go to bed and wake up the next morning:

I go back to thinking about how excited that we are both on the recovery bandwagon again!

Me: I want to kiss him so I do!

We kiss.

I keep stopping so I can check to see WHY I am kissing him.

Him: Getting mad, thinking I am toying with him. shutting off.

I close off thinking he is playing old tricks of "shutting off" so that I want to "fix it"

Why is it so much more complicated when we BOTH are working recovery? I ask myself. Shouldn't it get easier? 

The answer is no. When we are both looking at the hard issues it freaking sucks.  I have had a glimpse of the life we could have after the suck- I know it's worth it- but geez! It doesn't make it any easier.

Also, I guess I am feeling a bit inadequate with my own recovery work. It is so much harder to sift through the crap when you're not forced to check in weekly with a therapy group; but I am really proud of the work that I had been doing on my own. And then J goes to one therapy session and faces about the same amount of junk that I have sifted through in a month! 

Suddenly in my mind HE is the one doing better at recovery than I am! Haha! Writing that made me laugh. I know how silly it sounds- it's my competitive side coming out. But I hate to be outdone. J does too. When we were in therapy together, it was rarely the two of us doing really good work together. It was usually one or the other excelling more than the other one. Either I was rocking it or he was. The other one was always in kind of a slump.

I loved being the one on top for so long- and now that he is working recovery, I hate it because I don't want to go into a slump! Haha! (this is so funny to me that I honestly feel this way!) I "know" it's my choice. 

This whole time- when he set an appointment for therapy, or when he talked to the therapist, they asked about me, and he said "She's a big girl, if she thinks she needs help, I am going to let her find it." Healthy way of thinking, right? I mean, it's what I was thinking all along for the last few months- That he is a big boy, and when he thinks he needs help, he can find it himself.

Well, subconsciously, I hear that and my egos all like "Seriously?? You are just going to climb on ahead and leave me here in a slump without giving me a leg up??" And then I get bitter.

I mean guys. I am a total mess.

But. Writing it out on here makes so much SENSE to me, even if it doesn't to anyone else. This messy mess is MY mess! And it's okay! It's all part of the process!

And recognizing that this is the way I have been thinking makes me realize that I can break that darn cycle we have going on! I don't have to be in a slump! We can BOTH be working recovery independently. I saw myself going into a slump because he was doing recovery work, and I resented him for putting me there. (BLAME)

And then I was going to just NOT go to therapy just to spite him and to prove to him that I could do an equal amount of recovery work without therapy- to prove to him that I was more awesome. (I mean the way my mind THINKS! haha)

So i am going to admit something on here that I never in a million years thought I would be saying when I first started writing this post: I need more help. I have more junk than I can handle myself, and I am going to call the therapist rather than wait for J to bring home a pamphlet or something. I am going to do the work for myself rather than waiting for someone to do the work for me. I am going to break this stupid Recovery Rockstar--> Recovery Slump cycle J and I are in and let his example bring me up rather than push me down.

I'm going to eat me a slice of humble pie.

Yet another way that Porn Kills Love

*Note: I said earlier that I would give notice if something that I write could be triggering. This is one of those posts.  It was one of those posts that was really hard for me to put into words how I was feeling- and I was about to just not post it- but then I decided that I wanted to hear what other people had to say about it. So please comment- this was a pretty vulnerable post for me to write, as I realize how judgmental I had been without realizing it- I hope it's my one step closer towards healing and receiving more christ-like love.

Whenever I have thought of the women on the other side of the porn equation- the women on the screen- I am filled with extreme emotions. I hate them- Don't they realize the pain that they are causing? Don't they care about us- the women on the other side? The women whose everyday real-life is being affected by their choice to pose for porn and the choice of our husbands to view it?

Every once in a while I would have a pang of sisterly-kindness towards them- and then I would get a disclosure and I would forget that they were humans- blinded by the pain that I feel when that happens.

This caused a state of disregard- I would forget about them- and my husband's addiction would become just that - a plain regular "addiction" again rather than a "porn addiction." I would forget about the faces on the other side.

Last night I indulged in my guilty pleasure: I watched the bachelor- Whether that is a healthy choice or not given my standing in life (because it is a mix of both) is not the point of this post- the point is that I got to see a side to porn that I rarely think about. 

One of the girls on the show (one of my favorites) revealed yesterday that two years earlier she was trying to start up a modeling career and had been approached to pose for a pornographic magazine, and she did. She was so nervous to tell the bachelor- worried that it would ruin her relationship with this man that she was falling in love with and wanted to get married to and start a family with. 

She pretty far it the show- all the way up to the part where each of the remaining girls gets to take the Bachelor home to meet their families. It was so interesting to watch. Her relationship with her family was so strained- her mom was wringing her hands, her brother wouldn't look her in the eye the whole time, and the nicest thing he said about her was that she was a "wild mustang". There was so much judgement in her Dad's eyes, and it was later revealed that he hadn't learned that she had chosen to pose in porn until one of his friends saw her online and made a comment to him about it. For one reason or another she hadn't told her dad fast enough, and he found out another way. Before he knew about the porn thing, the Bachelor had a chance to talk to her dad and commented on how what attracted him to her the most were her small-town values- her dad didn't say anything about it- he was silent for a moment and then just said that she was an independent thinker, and that she had a wild side,

Because of her experience of not telling her dad soon enough, she knew that she needed to be the one to tell the Bachelor about it before he found out about it from somebody else. It's really easy to read this guy this year on the Bachelor, the guy has a tell-tell sign that he is feeling uncomfortable- he coughs/clears his throat a lot. After meeting her family, she took him aside and finally told him about it. The words that she used were not proud- she listed off the reasons her life wasn't in the right place/mind frame when she chose to do it- and then I turned the TV off because the commercials hinted at her showing him the pictures. The point of this part is that he kept coughing/clearing his throat. He was uncomfortable. He had said the whole time that he liked that girl for her small-town values- and he eventually ended up not choosing her over the other girls.

The bachelor said that the reason why he voted her off isn't because of the "thing that she had said before" (he couldn't even specify as to what that was- that's how uncomfortable it of a conversation it was) But she went home devastated. Her prior choices had led to pain she never could have imagined.

Guys. I kept wanting to turn it off- but I kept being drawn to the TV like a mosquito to the flame. I couldn't stop watching because suddenly that girl behind the screen was a real life person. It's funny, because the whole time, I just wanted to take her and giver her a hug. I wanted to tell her about the atonement. I wanted to tell her that the person that she obviously wanted to become- the small-town, warm-hearted girl she had been the whole season up until that point- was totally obtainable through the atonement of christ. That she could be white as snow.

It totally ruined my vilification of the women behind the screen. They aren't all monsters. I learned in my "Human Sexuality" class (if that wasn't a triggering class for a WoPA, I don't know what is) that studies have been done that back this theory up- I learned that in a majority of cases studied (granted it's prostitution, not porn- but they are in the same family, and I imagine that similar thought processes go into both),  have at least one of the following in common with other prostitutes from their childhood or adolescence: Physical or Sexual abuse, family instability, poverty, dealings with exploiters, homelessness, and/or drug use. (if you want references, just let me know!) That is such a hard life! I'm not condoning the behavior that they use to cope with it- just that it is yet another reason why we need to end this sickness. Christ loves them. 

Porn kills love. 

Not only the love between myself and my husband, but even the potential love and happiness of the women behind the screen. 

The whole thing made me sick to my stomach with heartbreak- and so thankful for my Savior. He feels with us the pain that we feel- each and every one of us. Not only me- but the woman behind the screen too.

balm

I know. I know that it is all about my recovery- and that my recovery is not dependent on his. But it sure makes it easier on me when he is doing his. It makes it easier to trust. It makes it easier to think of a future with him. And he is STARTING to do his recovery again: SA meetings, Addo recovery. It's been touch-and-go good for him. I have had an interesting reaction to it all- relief, and happiness and then frustration that it isn't going as fast as I would like, that it has been four years and he is still working on lasting sobriety. It's so easy to make this about him.

I have to daily remind myself to keep on doing my own recovery:

Self-care

Boundaries

Bottomlines

Because I keep having some of the words our therapist, Tyler Patrick (who is an amazing therapist in the Logan, UT area if you are looking) told us early on:

A lot of spouses of porn addicts think that they will be healed once their partner recovers from the addiction, that they will start feeling better- and they do. Having a partner in recovery makes you feel a little better. But you find yourself being frustrated. You still don't trust. You still are bitter, and have a build up of resentment. And you still can't get rid of some of the flashbacks that can be triggered by the most random things.

Being a spouse of a porn-addict is something that we ourselves need to recover from too.

My husband likes to say "pain is to the body like shame is to the soul."

Sometimes I feel ashamed of my situation- like if I would have been smarter, or more aware or more aligned in my own life before I met J that I would be in a much more elegant life trial right now... whatever an elegant life trial is.

But. 

I know that is not necessarily all true, and even if it was, it does nothing to help me right now. Saying it outloud makes me face it. Letting it go is balm to my hurt soul. I let it go by making my life and situation stronger.

 Self care. 

Boundaries.

 Bottomlines.

Sometimes a little self-reminder is the best thing you can do.

Post-Vomit

I like to think of the posts like my last post as vomit sessions, where I just get out everything and anything that I am thinking/feeling. It is so good for me! I sometimes feel bad for anyone who is reading it because I don't know if my thoughts are connected in any way. 

Being honest with myself in that last post enabled me to be honest with J. I told him how I was feeling and not feeling and he was really hurt and-at first- angry. As usual, he didn't see it coming- and I think it surprised him just as much as I was surprised when I realized just how far my trauma response to pain had taken me.

It was a very painful conversation. He told me that I needed to do what I needed to do. I told him I felt like him saying that was looking for a way out. I explained to him what a day in the life of flashbacks and triggers are like for me. We cried. I told him everything that I had thought: that all I wanted was for him to fight for me. At first he shut down and needed time to process it. I gave it to him. He came back and told me that he didn't think that this is the beginning of the end- that this is like half-time. We just need some good pep-talks and strategies so we can get back in the game- back on the same team and then get back on the court and back in the game. 

Sports analogies. I guess they really speak to me- maybe I've seen "Remember the Titans," but I saw something in his eyes that I hadn't seen in a long time- desire to make this work. And instead of ignoring the conversation the next day, HE brought it up- and HE asked me on a date- and found a babysitter-and made it amazing. We talked about our individual recoveries and I heard some of the things that he had been doing and not telling me. We worked on our schedule so we can actually do our work- dailies, self-care and bottom-lines every day. We talked about therapy and when we can fit it in. 

Crazy.

Granted, I know that it is mostly just talk right now- I am going to remain skeptical until I see some action, but this is the most progress J and I have made collectively as a team in more than 4 months! Progress!

I've been alive long enough to know that there will be ups and downs in the game of life- there are in every game. There are fumbles and interceptions and sometimes you sprain your ankle and are out of the game for a little bit. But this halftime pep-talk and game planning gives me hope and I am feeling a new energy about recovery.

Put me in Coach!

It's okay

First, 

Reading Annegirl's post here was crazy good for me.

It got me out of my avoidance slump.

So Thanks Annegirl.

Second,

After our little explosion, J and I haven't talked much about anything of importance.

I have been doing this for so long that certain thought-patterns have been formed that I feel are controlling my behaviors. Thought patterns like: "J will get over this addiction and be that amazing, thoughtful guy that I married and we will live happily and thrive on our success."

or

"I cannot say that I want a husband who is in recovery- because he knows that and I don't want to put him into shame"

or

"I just won't talk about the fact that he doesn't want to go to church and talks negatively about it lately, because if I push anything, he will do the exact opposite."

or

"insert anything about my feelings regarding the addiction- but I can't say that, because I don't want to put him into shame- he is no good to me when he is in shame"

So I just shove things that are bothering me below the surface, or I write them on here, or I talk to a WoPA about it. In other words, I numb- and I tell myself that it doesn't bother me. I tell myself that I am madly in love with the man I married, just not with the addict side of himself.

And then I catch myself doing it, and I try to change. I try to start doing recovery work again, and I realize that I am NOT okay with it. Not one bit. I am SO MAD that this is my life right now. It's not fair. 

And so I get even more distanced due to resentment, and because he isn't doing recovery work, so is he.

So I read a little part of the book and explode on him, and then we turn into polite roommates. He notices, and then goes out and buys both of us an iphone thinking that will solve the communication problem- but it only gives me more fear. I say thanks and because of my lack of enthusiasm he thinks he is inadequate. It's this cycle. We are spiraling away from each other. And right now, I don't care. Honestly, the only thing keeping me right where I am right now is my son- he adores his daddy, just worships him. I would feel horrible taking that away from his everyday life. But I am also incredibly hurt, and because the hurt keeps coming and I can't keep up with it, I am incredibly unhappy.

Annegirl's post was so helpful because it helped me realize this:

That the hard truth is that I don't love my husband anymore. I can't. It is impossible for him to truly love me with his addiction, and it is impossible for me to love him romantically with my trauma. I love him like a brother right now. (Gotta love the irony of having this realization right before valentines day.)

The way we have been going on has been unbearable. When we were in therapy, I used to feel this a few days at a time after an act-out and before a counseling session. There was a light that I could see at the end of the tunnel. I couldn't wait for him to get out of my house, because he would come home from the session with a new clarity, and would be bearable to live with again.

I keep telling myself those unhealthy thoughts that I listed off, and I didn't know how to get out of it and still keep the peace. Something that was said on facebook has hit me really really hard. He said something along the lines of "I have never seen an addict yet who will put the needs of his family above his desire for a fix. I'm not saying we shouldn't be neighborly or kind to them, but I am also saying that I am over giving them free handouts"

Of course, I think he was talking about drug and alcohol, but don't we keep saying that this addiction is just as strong and bonding? That some say that it might be even harder to give up?

I read that and I can't seem to get it out of my head.

I have been thinking a lot lately about recovery and what it means to me, and what I personally need in order to keep going in this life that J and I chose to go on together. The answer is recovery (even though J has decided that he hates that word, and now uses the phrase "healthy living"). I thought when we started on our therapy journey two years ago that it was the start of a bright new life together. A little less than a year later and I am feeling as helpless about our relationship as I did before- just with better tools to take care of myself. 

I am not ready to say the "D" word yet, because I am carefully weighing my options. I love his family, and they are the biggest support I have right now. I want to make sure that when it comes down to it, that I made the decision in a healthy mindset. I don't want any regrets. But that being said, I, like the police officer am over giving free trust handouts. The only thing that will keep me from going down that path- the path away from a destructive relationship- is action on his part. I'm doing my part and it's moving me away from him- and it's the only way we are going to get on the same track.