Marvelled.

I am one of those people who like to look back and see how much I have changed, I tend to do it a lot. As a freshman in college, I looked back at my high-school self, and marveled that I was even the same person. On the day I got married, I marveled at how only a year before I had just met J, some cute guy that looked and sounded like Justin Timberlake, I couldn't believe back then I had truly thought that things were the only way to make me happy- having the right shoes/clothes/decor... A year later, I thought I had figured out the meaning for my- to marry the man I loved, and save him from his addiction- life was about being completely selfless.

A year later, I looked bitterly back at that girl on her wedding day, so full of hope and wept that my life of hope was over, and wept over the hollow shell that a year of emotional abuse, rape, and manipulation had turned me into. I thought about killing myself, but was saved through a series of miraculous events that are too sacred to share.

Six months after that, I marveled at how much of my pain therapy was helping me to face, and I marveled at the possibility for more change. Over the past year, I have been amazed at how much I have grown. I look back at the person I was before, and it's hard to recognize that girl. I know that along the way, some people only know me for the person that I was at that time in my life, and it makes me a little sad- because sometimes I don't even recognize the person that I was then most of the time.

I am happy because I believe that this is the way that it is supposed to be- life is supposed to be ever changing. We are supposed to ever change with it. My problem as of late, is believing that I have sort of hit the end of my "change." It's sort of ridiculous now that I have written it out... for the past month, ever since the big move, I have looked back and marveled at how far I have come in the 1 year and 4 months that I have been in therapy.

I marvel when I give my sister advice and it is definitely not the same advice I would have given earlier in my life. I marvel when I am able to walk away from drama without saying a snide remark on my way out. I marvel when I give angry people in the grocery store the benefit of the doubt, thinking who knows, maybe they are going through the hell I have known...

The change is so incredible that I have stopped seeking the change! I have stopped looking for ways to improve... I started taking credit for my own accomplishments rather than thanking heavenly father for blessing me with ways to improve, and for the progress I have made.

But watching Elder Uchtorf's talk again today made me realize that I can't stop. I have the Lowe's theme in my mind right now: "Never stop improving." I think the reason why life is starting to get harder is because I have stopped doing the little dailies that help me to feel whole. Doing those little things DAILY is a fantastic way to start improving again.

My husband and I are going to start up fresh at another Lifestar program where we moved, and I am really excited for it. I am hoping that by having gone through it once before, I will be able to glean some new information that I was too traumatized before to take advantage of. I am really going to miss Tyler (our last therapist- here's my shameless plug: If any of you are in the Logan area and don't know where to start in your journey to recovery- PLEASE, I beg you please look up Tyler. He is amazing, and I don't know where I or my husband would be with out him- and no I didn't get paid to say that ;))

I am determined to pick my lazy bum up, and point my arrow back towards heaven. I am going to stop turning on the TV to numb. I am going to find a way to fit exercise into my schedule again, and I most definitely will be actually CALLING people again (Lisa, I mean you ;). When did I stop doing all of this? I have no idea! It was such a gradual thing.

So if any of you were over here with me on the ground watching the Marvel train go by, let's hold hands and jump back on so that we can LIVE the marvel! It's good look back and see progress, but when it hinders your here and now, you know that it's time to start looking forward again.

AHH I just feel so much love for all my WOPA sisters right now, it's overflowing!! If you are reading this, consider yourself hugged.