I don't think we are alone in this

Two weeks ago for the first time in a REALLY long time I caught J acting out again. Like was out-of-the-house-felt -like-I-should-go-home-instead-of-finishing-my-errands kind of caught him acting out. You know, I had honestly didn't think I would ever have to experience that again. I felt like he was at a point in his recovery where I would never have to go through that pain again. LIVING in the same home as the addiction is what hell feels like, I am sure of it.

That is not the point. I live here in Utah County, and had transferred to a lifestar down here in provo- but they don't have a women's group. Well they "have" a women's group, but every week since I transferred down, it has been cancelled. It is the first negative experience I have had with lifestar since we started almost two years ago, and I miss Tyler and my old group more than anything right now. *ugh, I'm crying. Ugh* I need a group right now, but I am tied to my work right now where I can't be more than 10 minutes away from work every other week. I need to admit a lot of things that I have been in denial about to a group, and get the support, love, and good advice that I get when I am with them. 

So guys, because I don't have that, I am using this page to admit something:

I need to admit that I have been co-dependent. I have thrown my spirituality under the bus because I don't want to make J feel uncomfortable or set him off because he is avoiding all things spiritual right now. I have not let him know how uncomfortable I am with having a TV in my house again now that both of our recoveries have slid back so far because it's his TV and I don't want to set him off. I have let him hug me and cuddle me when I am totally in trauma mode, because I know that it's his love language, and if I don't he feels rejected and I don't have the strength emotionally to be ready fight that battle.

There I admitted it.

How have I dealt with it, you ask? Did I jump over to my self-care list and draw some meaningful work to help build myself again? Nope. Did I throw myself into my school work so that I can help build my future? Absolutely not, I went over to my good friend Hulu and drowned my emotions in a nice and numbing "buzz." Suddenly I didn't have to think about all the work I needed to do to get myself out of this helpless mindset, instead I could think of characters that didn't even matter and THEIR worries. It's so much easier to worry about someone else, especially when that person doesn't even exist. I'm not proud to admit it, but even today I turned to it. I have hours of down time at work, and it is turning into a habit. It makes me sick to think about how many hours I have wasted on it.  

This has been going on for the past two weeks, but a few days ago, something happened. A "psychic" came into the office to do business. In the middle of the transaction, she asked if I had a grandmother that had passed away, which I haven't, but I do have a great-grandmother who has so I said yes. She said that she was a psychic and that there was an older lady by me and that she (the older lady) said that she was my guardian angel. I don't believe in psychics, the thought of them gives me the heebeegeebees. But I often do feel like my great grandmother is around, watching out for me. She wasn't a member, but when I was a young woman, I had the opportunity to be baptized for her in the temple, and I felt her with me as sure as I live. I knew that she had accepted it, and that she loved me for it. I don't necessarily believe that the psychic saw my grandmother, but I do appreciate the reminder that I have someone on the other side rooting for me. 

My mom lived with an alcoholic and abusive father as a child, and my great-grandma Hattie had always protected her, and told her when to leave the room when things were starting to get scary.  Looking back at my life, I really think that Grandma Hattie has been with me throughout this scary time of my life. I feel the spirit so strong whenever I think of her, and I know that she is now a spiritual giant, trying to do all she can to help me do what I need to do to be happy. I feel her near me often, and I love her dearly even though I have never met her.

I really don't think that we are alone in this. 

In fact, I know we are not. The Savior is here for us, for me, waiting with arms wide open, waiting for me to run back into them, pleading for me to get there as fast as I can so he can heal me.

I found this quote during my scripture study today, and I think it's a perfect way to end this very emotional post of mine today (I have been writing this at my desk with tears streaming down my face):

"However dim our days may seem, they have been a lot darker for the Savior of the world. As a reminder of those days, jesus has chosen, even in a resurrected, otherwise perfected body, to retain for the benefit of His disciples the wounds in His hands and in His feet and in His side- signs, if you will, that painful things happen even to the pure and the perfect; signs, if you will that pain in this world isn not evidence that God doesn't love you: signs, if you will, that problems pass and happiness can be ours. Remind others that it is the wounded Christ who is the Captain of our souls, He who yet bears the scars of our forgiveness, the lesions of His love and humility, the torn flesh of obedience and sacrifice. These wounds are the principal way we are to recognize Him when He comes. He may invite us forward, as He has invited others, to see and to feel those marks. If not before then surely at that time, we will remember with Isaiah that it was for us that a God was 'despised and rejected...; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief' that 'he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him and with his stripes we are healed. - Jeffrey R. Holland (Teaching, Preaching, Healing Ensign, Jan 2003)