Survival

First Matter of Business: The check in:

My husband has this analogy: he calls it the toothpaste analogy. He always says that just because you brush your teeth one day doesn't mean that you can count it for the next day too. He is always applying this to recovery work. Like recovery work has to be a daily thing, right? Anyway, I got this new job that has me working all week from 9-5, and then being on-call for the rest of the night. BUT then I get the whole next week completely off. When I heard about the set-up, I was all "HECK YES!" but I didn't think about how the toothpaste analogy applies to this situation. I LOVE my off weeks. I HATE my on weeks. Don't get me wrong, I love my job. But i don't love my job+husbands crazy hours+trying to be a mommy all at the same time. That leaves me almost zero me time, and no self-care. 

How do you working mamas DO it??

I am in shock and awe at what you do, and seriously need some pointers. 

Second Matter of Business: The Vomit:

I have decided to call this the vomit because this is the stuff that I don't know what to do with, but I want to understand my feelings towards it, so I'm just going to vomit it all up right now:

1. We went to see the Bishop two days ago. I felt like he (the bishop) was physically there, but mentally somewhere else. Which was fine for a first meeting. J told the bishop that he was an addict, and that we were formally in therapy support groups where we came from. The bishop (still didn't feel like he was all there) smiled and said "that's fine" and then told us that there was a mens support group for addicts in the stake. Then we moved along and that was it. J felt good about telling him, but I felt off. As I'm writing this, I'm realizing that its probably because after that moment he didn't look at me until we shook hands to say goodbye. I guess I'm sick of having to tell bishops that this also effects the wives, and that the trauma that is caused by this stupid addiction is real. I really really wish that there was some kind of meeting where all the bishops got together and someone could tell them to watch out for the wives. BUT that is me going into victim mode, which is a form of denial. I am a strong and independent woman, and I can do this again. And again. And I can keep educating and showing that this is a real thing.

2. I miss my therapy girls. It's hard not having that check-in every single week. It's hard to KNOW that I can't go to lunch with them if one of us really needed it. It's crazy, because it's not like we got together every week, but it was nice knowing they were there. There seriously needs to be some sort of support group in southern utah county because I KNOW I'm not the only one out here.

3. J keeps going in and out of recovery. I can't do anything about it. Bah. Reading that sentence that I just wrote made me realize that I have ZERO control over anything he does. Man it's hard to let that go. *deep breath*  Ok. I commit to taking control of my recovery. I will either write on this blog or refer back to my recovery binder every day before I allow myself to get lost on Hulu and try to numb the pain. I will face life in a way that will ultimately make me happy. There. I said it.