Wednesday, May 29, 2013
First time
The first time I found out that my husband had a pornography addiction, it felt like a bucket of cold ice was just pored over me. I finally understood the meaning of the saying "your world is shattered." I remember thinking "Other people are addicted to pornography, no one I know... Other people." The truth is that most likely almost every single male that I have ever met, dated, hung out with, has most likely had at least some level of an addiction to pornography. It's just such a secretive addiction that they must have been ashamed to admit it. I have looked back at so many relationships that I am now sure didn't work out because of this addiction. I was so confused at the time- the question "what went wrong?" was stuck on repeat in my mind. But looking back, and after having the experiences that I have had, I want to bump that younger me over the head, because it's so obvious now! God knew this, and so he put into my life a man who was straight forward with me enough to let me know from the beginning that this was a struggle of his. I know that this may not be the case for all of us- some of us don't even find out until we are married, and that comes as the shock of a lifetime. What I must take out of all of all of it is this: God knew. God had a plan for me, and this is one of the struggles that he knows that I can grow from. He intends for me to come out on top! I know this. And this is because I am a child of God who came to this earth to experience trials so that I can be refined over and over, until I am like him. He loves me! He suffers when I suffer, and he is waiting for me to actually take those first steps to put this burden entirely on him. I work hard every day to let him guide me through his spirit. He will show me what to do. He will help me to become a goddess- because that's what I am: A Goddess in training.
Monday, May 27, 2013
Hard Times
It's been a few days due to a family tragedy on my husband's side. The hard part of this addiction is that sometimes when there is an intense situation happens like a death in the family, losing a job, natural disasters etc., It is easy, really easy for him to turn to pornography as a release from the stress. As much as a release it is to him, it has made the whole situation that much harder for me. It adds to the pain that I am already feeling.
Something I am learning is that if my husband does end up turning to pornography in trying times is this- it is not my husband, it is the addict inside of him. My husband is the conscious that is telling the addict inside of him to stop, and is telling the addict that he needs help, whether he admits it out loud or not. It's so hard to remember to be patient and persevering, and know that God is working on him in the areas where I can't, in fact, he is more than willing to pick up the slack where I feel I are needing help. I am learning to not be afraid to turn my concerns, pain, and anguish to him. He is the only person that can put change in my husband- I can't. No matter how hard I try, the only way my husband will beat the addict self inside of him is if he turns himself over to the Lord, and to the resources that he has put on this earth to help him overcome it.
This is the hardest lesson for a wife to learn, because we all want to be in control. It is human nature to want to be in control. However, it is wisdom to realize that the only thing I can control is that moment and moments to come, where I ask the lord what to do because my way isn't working. Wisdom is having the faith to do what he guides me to do, no matter what.
I know I can do it.
I am strong.
I wouldn't be in this situation if our loving Heavenly Father didn't think I could come out of this challenge on top, and breathing hard. Ready to conquer the next mountain to climb.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Taking Time for Me
It is so easy to get caught up in thinking about how this addiction is hurting me. I constantly wonder what my husband is doing while I am away, or while he is away. I know, You have probably been there. This, however is not going to help my situation one bit. The one thing that will help me learning to be healthy in my thinking- by taking control of what I think about. So, here's what I am planning to do: Take some time to do something for me every day. On top of reading my scriptures and saying my prayers; I'm going to go for a walk, go chat it up with my neighbor, try something new with my hair, learn to cook something new... even if it only takes a second, I'm going to fill my cup with some sunshine! I have been promised that doing this will be so beneficial and add up to make me THAT much stronger!
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Reaction
It is your reaction to adversity, not the adversity itself that determines how your life's story will develop.
-Dieter F. Uchtdorf
My Story
Before you can know my story, you have to at least know part of my husband's story:
My husband was first exposed to porn when he was 11-12 years old (an age I later found out is really common for boys to first be exposed). His parent's never really talked about sex or pornography, and probably didn't even know that it was a huge problem. He was able to get the addiction under control enough to go on a mission. When he came back, he slipped into old habits, and the addiction took hold again. He felt helpless, and despite a few attempts to see counselors and talk to bishops, he felt like he was losing the fight. He found himself asking "Why am I even trying?"
My story:
I met my husband just after that point- probably one of the lowest points in his life. He had just had his temple recommend taken away, and that hit him really hard. Before he met me, he had decided that he wanted to be a counselor at a religious camp for youth in our church, but he needed permission from his bishop to do so. He started to work really hard, and right after he had met me, he was granted permission to do so.
My husband told me about the addiction about 3 months into dating, but I had already known something about it. He had previously left his journal with me on accident over general conference weekend. I was a snoop, and looked through it to see if he had written anything about me in it, but what I found instead was a list of things that did not make him happy- and pornography was one of them. Seeing that made me pretty shaky, but I think Heavenly Father wanted me to see it, because after I saw that list, I got down on my knees and prayed to know if I should continue to date this boy. I was shocked, to say the least, to have an immediate and resounding YES hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew right then, even though I don't think I admitted it until later, that I was going to marry this boy. After that experience, I waited patiently to see if and when he was going to tell me about it- and I had made the decision to ask him after 2 weeks if he hadn't said anything to me. It was only one week after reading in his journal that he told me about his addiction to pornography.
Obviously, from reading that list in his journal, I had no idea how deep the addiction went, and how long it had been a challenge for him. I knew, however, that I needed to be there for this boy. I was also a little bit naive, because I had no idea how much of a hold this addiction can hold over an individual. We broke up once over it, but it only lasted a day. It just didn't feel right to break things off just because it would be easier. I knew that we were supposed to tackle this thing together, and I was determined to do so.
It was about this time of my life where I completely cut myself off from the rest of the world- a mistake that I regret deeply. I lost a lot of friends because of missed phone-calls, bridal showers, get togethers and the like, and all because I was consumed in helping my (then) boyfriend overcome this addiction- I was scared to leave him alone, and was with him as much as possible. The reason why I regret this is because I needed to talk to someone about this badly. I had this pressure building and building on my chest, but I had no-one to talk to. I didn't want my family to think badly of him, and I didn't want my friends to either. I wanted them to see him for the amazing man that I knew and loved, not the guy who's addicted to porn.
Well, we decided that we wanted to be married about 5 months after dating, and when my husband asked for my dad's blessing, he was able to disclose about the addiction to him. Because my Dad now knew about the addiction, I felt relieved, because I could finally ask for some advice from somebody. When I mentioned my concerns and fears to my dad, he told me that once I was married, as long as I wasn't stingy, all of this would most likely go away. As relieved as I was to hear that, half of me wondered how true it was.
We waited 6 months to get married, as we were working towards a temple marriage. We worked harder than I have ever worked on myself before. We were diligent about prayer and scripture study. We put blocks on the internet, got rid of our fancy phones, and my husband improved significantly- enough for us to be married in the temple. The wedding was the best moment of my life. I loved looking into my husband's eyes, knowing that if we continued to work as hard as we had been working for those 6 months, that we would be together forever with our future children.
After the wedding, we started to slip on our prayers, church attendance and scripture study, and I stopped keeping tabs on how my husband was doing. I was sure that married life had cured him. We became way more relaxed about our check-ins and even got some fancy new smart phones. After about 3 months of being married, I stumbled onto my husband's search history feed on his phone, and found some pornographic websites that he had visited. I can not even tell you how my stomach dropped.
This was the darkest time in my life. I felt trapped, alone, and scared. I didn't know who to turn to. We fought almost every night, and I would stomp out the door, saying that I was going to leave him, only to return 5 minutes later, because I was afraid that he was looking at porn again.
We finally sort of got onto the same page, and decided to move away to start out with a clean slate, and to begin again. After we had moved, we found out that I was pregnant with our first child. I was terrified. It would have been so easy for me to leave before when it was just the two of us, but with a child involved, there was no way out without hurting an innocent baby. It was shortly finding this out that my husband sought help from our new Bishop.
Our new Bishop took my husband under his wing, and really helped him- he pointed us in the direction of the 12-step Pornography group that met once a week. When my husband went for the first time, he realized that there was a women's group too, and after going a few times, he invited me to go with him. I was so scared to go. What if I knew somebody? What if they judged me because I married my husband even though I knew about the addiction- what if they said it was my own fault and kicked me out. But most of all, I was scared of talking bad about my husband to other people- and I didn't want to do it.
It meant so much to my husband that I went, that I decided to bite the bullet and go. It would only be an hour, and at least I would know that it wouldn't be forever if I hated it.
The moment I stepped into that room, I felt the spirit so strongly that this is where I was meant to be. I was meant to be there. I was amazed to find out that we weren't there to talk bad about our husband's at all! We were there to find healing through the Lord Jesus Christ, to learn to forgive our husbands, and also to have some non-judgmental friends who had gone through the exact same excruciating struggle that I was going through.
After sharing my story with those sweet sweet ladies, I felt like I had a load the size of a house lifted off of my shoulders. I cried and cried and cried, knowing that I would be okay, and knowing that I was no longer alone in my suffering.
The twelve steps did work some pretty incredible changes for our family over the next year, and we had our baby. We started being pretty good about prayers, scripture study, church attendance, and family home evenings. Don't get me wrong, we still had our struggles, and there were still some very hard times, but we were making slow progress forward.
It was after that first year that our Bishop looked at the progress, and noticed that some of the struggles were getting a little more frequent again that he recommended that my husband and I go to a therapist. He felt that the addiction went much deeper than he had originally thought, and I am so grateful that he did.
We have been seeing this amazing Therapist ever since (it's been about 6 months now), and the changes that I have seen in my husband are amazing. But most of all, the changes that I can see in my life have been liberating. I have learned to find happiness for myself, and not to be co-dependent on my husband's addiction. My happiness does not have to be dependent on if he had a good day or not. Heavenly Father wouldn't want it that way. I have learned not to be obsessive about his addiction, and only help him when he asks for help, like to put locks on the internet for example. I am learning to be the best self I can be, and as my husband is working towards the same goal, we are working in the same direction and working together.
Now, I know that some of you who are reading this have husbands or significant others who are not in the mindset to change. Do not be the reason why the addiction can still exist! Seek to make yourself happy, and as you grow closer to Jesus Christ, the light in your life can shine into his. Don't let yourself get dragged into the shame cycle. Give your life up to Christ by taking control of yourself, and let go of the idea that you can control the addiction, because you can't.
My story isn't over, because I have reached a new chapter. I want to reach and out and be friends with women just like you and me. I want to be able to give comfort and a knowledge that it's all going to be okay. I want both of us to know that you can be happy again! We can find our way back into the waiting and welcoming arms of Jesus Christ.
Thank you for taking time to read my story, and please feel free to email me yours, I would love to hear from you and share in your journey. valiant.women.united@gmail.com
My husband was first exposed to porn when he was 11-12 years old (an age I later found out is really common for boys to first be exposed). His parent's never really talked about sex or pornography, and probably didn't even know that it was a huge problem. He was able to get the addiction under control enough to go on a mission. When he came back, he slipped into old habits, and the addiction took hold again. He felt helpless, and despite a few attempts to see counselors and talk to bishops, he felt like he was losing the fight. He found himself asking "Why am I even trying?"
My story:
I met my husband just after that point- probably one of the lowest points in his life. He had just had his temple recommend taken away, and that hit him really hard. Before he met me, he had decided that he wanted to be a counselor at a religious camp for youth in our church, but he needed permission from his bishop to do so. He started to work really hard, and right after he had met me, he was granted permission to do so.
My husband told me about the addiction about 3 months into dating, but I had already known something about it. He had previously left his journal with me on accident over general conference weekend. I was a snoop, and looked through it to see if he had written anything about me in it, but what I found instead was a list of things that did not make him happy- and pornography was one of them. Seeing that made me pretty shaky, but I think Heavenly Father wanted me to see it, because after I saw that list, I got down on my knees and prayed to know if I should continue to date this boy. I was shocked, to say the least, to have an immediate and resounding YES hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew right then, even though I don't think I admitted it until later, that I was going to marry this boy. After that experience, I waited patiently to see if and when he was going to tell me about it- and I had made the decision to ask him after 2 weeks if he hadn't said anything to me. It was only one week after reading in his journal that he told me about his addiction to pornography.
Obviously, from reading that list in his journal, I had no idea how deep the addiction went, and how long it had been a challenge for him. I knew, however, that I needed to be there for this boy. I was also a little bit naive, because I had no idea how much of a hold this addiction can hold over an individual. We broke up once over it, but it only lasted a day. It just didn't feel right to break things off just because it would be easier. I knew that we were supposed to tackle this thing together, and I was determined to do so.
It was about this time of my life where I completely cut myself off from the rest of the world- a mistake that I regret deeply. I lost a lot of friends because of missed phone-calls, bridal showers, get togethers and the like, and all because I was consumed in helping my (then) boyfriend overcome this addiction- I was scared to leave him alone, and was with him as much as possible. The reason why I regret this is because I needed to talk to someone about this badly. I had this pressure building and building on my chest, but I had no-one to talk to. I didn't want my family to think badly of him, and I didn't want my friends to either. I wanted them to see him for the amazing man that I knew and loved, not the guy who's addicted to porn.
Well, we decided that we wanted to be married about 5 months after dating, and when my husband asked for my dad's blessing, he was able to disclose about the addiction to him. Because my Dad now knew about the addiction, I felt relieved, because I could finally ask for some advice from somebody. When I mentioned my concerns and fears to my dad, he told me that once I was married, as long as I wasn't stingy, all of this would most likely go away. As relieved as I was to hear that, half of me wondered how true it was.
We waited 6 months to get married, as we were working towards a temple marriage. We worked harder than I have ever worked on myself before. We were diligent about prayer and scripture study. We put blocks on the internet, got rid of our fancy phones, and my husband improved significantly- enough for us to be married in the temple. The wedding was the best moment of my life. I loved looking into my husband's eyes, knowing that if we continued to work as hard as we had been working for those 6 months, that we would be together forever with our future children.
After the wedding, we started to slip on our prayers, church attendance and scripture study, and I stopped keeping tabs on how my husband was doing. I was sure that married life had cured him. We became way more relaxed about our check-ins and even got some fancy new smart phones. After about 3 months of being married, I stumbled onto my husband's search history feed on his phone, and found some pornographic websites that he had visited. I can not even tell you how my stomach dropped.
This was the darkest time in my life. I felt trapped, alone, and scared. I didn't know who to turn to. We fought almost every night, and I would stomp out the door, saying that I was going to leave him, only to return 5 minutes later, because I was afraid that he was looking at porn again.
We finally sort of got onto the same page, and decided to move away to start out with a clean slate, and to begin again. After we had moved, we found out that I was pregnant with our first child. I was terrified. It would have been so easy for me to leave before when it was just the two of us, but with a child involved, there was no way out without hurting an innocent baby. It was shortly finding this out that my husband sought help from our new Bishop.
Our new Bishop took my husband under his wing, and really helped him- he pointed us in the direction of the 12-step Pornography group that met once a week. When my husband went for the first time, he realized that there was a women's group too, and after going a few times, he invited me to go with him. I was so scared to go. What if I knew somebody? What if they judged me because I married my husband even though I knew about the addiction- what if they said it was my own fault and kicked me out. But most of all, I was scared of talking bad about my husband to other people- and I didn't want to do it.
It meant so much to my husband that I went, that I decided to bite the bullet and go. It would only be an hour, and at least I would know that it wouldn't be forever if I hated it.
The moment I stepped into that room, I felt the spirit so strongly that this is where I was meant to be. I was meant to be there. I was amazed to find out that we weren't there to talk bad about our husband's at all! We were there to find healing through the Lord Jesus Christ, to learn to forgive our husbands, and also to have some non-judgmental friends who had gone through the exact same excruciating struggle that I was going through.
After sharing my story with those sweet sweet ladies, I felt like I had a load the size of a house lifted off of my shoulders. I cried and cried and cried, knowing that I would be okay, and knowing that I was no longer alone in my suffering.
The twelve steps did work some pretty incredible changes for our family over the next year, and we had our baby. We started being pretty good about prayers, scripture study, church attendance, and family home evenings. Don't get me wrong, we still had our struggles, and there were still some very hard times, but we were making slow progress forward.
It was after that first year that our Bishop looked at the progress, and noticed that some of the struggles were getting a little more frequent again that he recommended that my husband and I go to a therapist. He felt that the addiction went much deeper than he had originally thought, and I am so grateful that he did.
We have been seeing this amazing Therapist ever since (it's been about 6 months now), and the changes that I have seen in my husband are amazing. But most of all, the changes that I can see in my life have been liberating. I have learned to find happiness for myself, and not to be co-dependent on my husband's addiction. My happiness does not have to be dependent on if he had a good day or not. Heavenly Father wouldn't want it that way. I have learned not to be obsessive about his addiction, and only help him when he asks for help, like to put locks on the internet for example. I am learning to be the best self I can be, and as my husband is working towards the same goal, we are working in the same direction and working together.
Now, I know that some of you who are reading this have husbands or significant others who are not in the mindset to change. Do not be the reason why the addiction can still exist! Seek to make yourself happy, and as you grow closer to Jesus Christ, the light in your life can shine into his. Don't let yourself get dragged into the shame cycle. Give your life up to Christ by taking control of yourself, and let go of the idea that you can control the addiction, because you can't.
My story isn't over, because I have reached a new chapter. I want to reach and out and be friends with women just like you and me. I want to be able to give comfort and a knowledge that it's all going to be okay. I want both of us to know that you can be happy again! We can find our way back into the waiting and welcoming arms of Jesus Christ.
Thank you for taking time to read my story, and please feel free to email me yours, I would love to hear from you and share in your journey. valiant.women.united@gmail.com
Monday, May 20, 2013
The Beginning
This post is the beginning of it all. Have you ever had an epiphany? I have been struggling to know what I should do with my life. Today, I know. I have literally never been so sure of something in my entire life. If you found this blog, it is because you were meant to, just like I was meant to create it. This blog is part of God's greater purpose for me- he want's me to heal. He want's me and you to find solace in his love. He wants us to know that we are not alone.
The addiction to pornography is an addiction that can only thrive in secrecy. The addiction can only live behind closed windows, closed windows, closed hearts, and closed minds. Every man who has this addiction has a battle raging inside of himself. He has the addict self, and he has the real self. I obviously fell in love with the man living inside of him, not the addict. Sometimes it is hard to separate the two of them. Something I have realized: it is the addict, not my husband, who has asked me in the past to isolate myself from others about his addiction. It was soo hard not to talk to someone about the hardest trial I have ever gone through. The addiction tends to make wives, girlfriends, fiances and the like all feel like they are not enough. Isolation paired with this incredible blow to your self-esteem is detrimental. I can not do it and have my marriage and love live.
So the question is, what can I do about it? It can seem like all is lost sometimes, especially in the moment. The good news is that I have already taken the first step- I have sought to reach out, and by doing that, I are on the path to my own recovery. That's right, MY recovery. I know what you may be thinking (because I thought it myself for two years), "I will be recovered once he has recovered." This is not so. If I don't recover, I will still constantly be living in fear of a relapse. I will not be happy until I decide to be happy with or without my husband's recovery. Heavenly Father wants me to be happy! That's why one of the names for his plan is called the "Plan of Happiness!" In Alma 41 it talks about how our desires lead to rewards. In verse 5 it says that we shall be "raised to happiness according to our desires of happiness," but we are going to have to work to get it!
So what do I need to do? Well, first I need to be supportive of every step that my husband takes towards recovery. I need to ask him seek help, but most importantly, I need to stop obsessing about my husband's addictions, and focus on my path back towards Heavenly Father, and happiness. I want to study my scriptures, say my prayers, and live in faith- but I also want to find something extra to do everyday that will make me reach out and feel like ME again! For Example: Call a friend, Learn to sew, learn to crochet or knit, go for a walk, plant a garden, go running, meditate... and the list goes on! I want to find something that adds a sparkle to my day- every day!
This blog is also my quest to seek out all of you who need seeking and be friends! Please feel free to email me at valiant.women.united@gmail.com. I am excited to see and hear of your progress. I want to share your stories with other women! If you will email them to me, I will post them so that if you would like, you can remain anonymous. I love you already!
The addiction to pornography is an addiction that can only thrive in secrecy. The addiction can only live behind closed windows, closed windows, closed hearts, and closed minds. Every man who has this addiction has a battle raging inside of himself. He has the addict self, and he has the real self. I obviously fell in love with the man living inside of him, not the addict. Sometimes it is hard to separate the two of them. Something I have realized: it is the addict, not my husband, who has asked me in the past to isolate myself from others about his addiction. It was soo hard not to talk to someone about the hardest trial I have ever gone through. The addiction tends to make wives, girlfriends, fiances and the like all feel like they are not enough. Isolation paired with this incredible blow to your self-esteem is detrimental. I can not do it and have my marriage and love live.
So the question is, what can I do about it? It can seem like all is lost sometimes, especially in the moment. The good news is that I have already taken the first step- I have sought to reach out, and by doing that, I are on the path to my own recovery. That's right, MY recovery. I know what you may be thinking (because I thought it myself for two years), "I will be recovered once he has recovered." This is not so. If I don't recover, I will still constantly be living in fear of a relapse. I will not be happy until I decide to be happy with or without my husband's recovery. Heavenly Father wants me to be happy! That's why one of the names for his plan is called the "Plan of Happiness!" In Alma 41 it talks about how our desires lead to rewards. In verse 5 it says that we shall be "raised to happiness according to our desires of happiness," but we are going to have to work to get it!
So what do I need to do? Well, first I need to be supportive of every step that my husband takes towards recovery. I need to ask him seek help, but most importantly, I need to stop obsessing about my husband's addictions, and focus on my path back towards Heavenly Father, and happiness. I want to study my scriptures, say my prayers, and live in faith- but I also want to find something extra to do everyday that will make me reach out and feel like ME again! For Example: Call a friend, Learn to sew, learn to crochet or knit, go for a walk, plant a garden, go running, meditate... and the list goes on! I want to find something that adds a sparkle to my day- every day!
This blog is also my quest to seek out all of you who need seeking and be friends! Please feel free to email me at valiant.women.united@gmail.com. I am excited to see and hear of your progress. I want to share your stories with other women! If you will email them to me, I will post them so that if you would like, you can remain anonymous. I love you already!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)