Just you wait!

Guys, I have some exciting news for the blog heading your way soon, get excited. I have been super super busy with work and school and moving and being a mommy that I haven't been able to write on here as much as I would like. But no fear, I have still been on a recovery journey, and have some exciting things to share with you. First of all is this: I have completely dumped my old bottom-lines and created new ones that are more fit for where I am in my recovery journey: Just head over to that tab if you want to take a gander.

So as of right now, right this minute, I am having a crisis with my husband. He is in a rough, transitional place, and unfortunately he has turned to porn to cope for the last couple weeks. Going from completely into recovery to an unlocked phone and multiple confessions... super, right? It's a scary place to be. I am really nervous because I feel like the next few hours are going to be pretty crucial to us... I refuse to go back to that place, but I want to stay married and don't know where to go, but I am letting the lord guide me, and I have been blessed with clarity during our last couple interactions. Please pray for me and my husband, friends. I love you all.
Ashley

I thought that one time was enough.

I have gone through therapy one time. I have all the tools that I need to take care of myself. But I don't use them. I have in a way forgotten why they are so important and why they work. 

The tools in therapy don't make sense if you are in trauma. In fact, they are a bit opposite of what you naturally want to do when you are getting hurt over and over. It's natural to want to try to control who and what is hurting you- especially when it's your husband. It is completely unnatural to talk to someone outside of your marriage about these really intimate things. It is so hard to do it when you A) don't know why it is important to use the tools you have and B) are NOT in the habit to do so.

The first time I went through therapy, I thought that I was learning these temporary tools while my husband was "getting over" his addiction. 

While there are a few different things that are wrong about that thinking- there is one thing that is squarely on my mind about this whole thing: 

"temporary." I sincerely thought that I would only need these tools while we were on this difficult mountain of life, and then once we were over the hill and down in the valley, I could ditch my tools and live a "normal" life. 

The fact of the matter is this: I will never live a normal life. 

It is something that I have had to learn and morn and accept. From the time that I found out about my then Fiance's porn addiction, I was changed. After we married, I was changed even more. I have lived through the hell of trauma, and still have flashbacks and panic episodes.  I will never be normal. (whatever normal is)

So here I am in therapy for the second time, and I'm going through the work and more memories and flashbacks that I hadn't addressed the first time are coming back to me, and I think it's because I am finally accepting that this is a lifelong process. I am finally accepting that I need these tools to be in my life even during the healthy times. 

I am finally accepting that being socially healthy is equally as important as being spiritually healthy, and being emotionally healthy is just as important as being physically healthy, and doing all of those things are equally as important as being mentally healthy. The are all equal. 

I used to kind of brush off the social health aspect, I would send off a text to somebody (one text), and check that off of my list as connecting socially. And I would wonder why my husband couldn't fill this unknown void of connection. I think even if he wasn't an addict and unable to fully connect because of it, connecting socially outside of the home is so incredibly important.

So. I guess I have more to learn this time around- and I'm pulling out the cement, because I'm finally ready to embrace the me that I am becoming, and I'm ready to make it permanent.

Let's chat

I am feeling so isolated right now- so can we chat dear internet friends? Can I vent to you like I would love to just vent to a real human being right now in person?...

I used to have really good friends- the kind where you plan on being friends and roommates in rest-homes when you're old and grumpy and grey. I still love them all to pieces, but none of them know about this- And I really don't even talk to them anymore. I met J and I became an awful AWFUL friend, blowing of lunches and bridal showers and baby showers, and eventually they just stopped inviting me. I don't know if it is all J, because I never really learned how to cope healthily with pain until therapy, so I blew off people I felt like I was losing... but it got REALLY bad after meeting him. I remember going to one wedding where all my friends were, and they were all so happy to see us and to meet J, but the whole time we were there (about 5 minutes) I was so worried about making J happy and that he just wanted to leave as soon as possible, that I was distracted and probably SOOOO awkward. But man. I miss them.

I keep telling myself that I'm living healthy. That I'm being mindful. That I don't really need help because I have all the tools that I need- I KNOW what to do. But it's a different thing actually living them, isn't it?

Let me tell you about my situation. I manage a storage unit facility that is surrounded by fields and factories. It is terrible isolating. I moved here 8 months ago- used to having my best friend living next door to me. When I started feeling isolated, It wasn't very hard to get out of that because she was right there. I didn't realize just how much I relied on her. We went on walks together. We were so close. But I moved here with this false idea that because I was moving near family, I could stay out of isolation. But there was something about living within a set of wrought ironed gates that made me feel caged at first- and it really kind of squashed my spirit- especially with my husband working as much as he was.

I DO do my recovery work still- the BIG work. You know, I reach out when I am really needing a pick me up- but as far as the day-to-day things that you think don't make such a difference, I have been lying to myself saying that I have been doing it when it is painfully missing from my life.

I work a one week on, one week off schedule- and honestly it is really hard on my little one and me. My school work is suffering. I feel like my little guy and I just start getting attached and then it's time for me to get back to work, and he detaches. It really isn't healthy for our relationship when we were so used to being the two musketeers (three when dad was in a healthy place)... I hate what it has done to our relationship.

So there. I laid it out. Vulnerability hangover much?

The different kinds of pain

So I caught J acting out today. It's been building, and it's not like I didn't see it coming- he had confessed to me yesterday and the day before that he had done some "addict stuff"- and because I have asked that he doesn't share details, I don't know how to categorize that. He said it was "addict stuff"- And this time was an "act out." Anyway. Because I have seen this one creep up on me, I have been given a gift of clarity, and I feel like I was able to describe to J how different behaviors feel to me.

There are two different kinds of emotional pain for me- a chronic kind of throbbing pain that has a life of it's own, and a sharp stabbing kind of pain. The chronic throbbing pain I attribute to addict behavior... I can live healthy and it gets a bit better, I can numb the pain through netflix or whatnot for a bit, but the pain comes back at unexpected times. Living with my husband when he is in addict mode is like this constant throbbing pain that to the outside world looks like it should be fine- I don't look like I am in pain. Chronic pain in the body rarely manifests itself on the outside. That's how it is living with an addict- everything from the outside looking in looks dandy... and sometimes it is! And then addict mode hits, and I feel like limping all over the place.

The second kind of pain is the sharp pain that I feel when I find out that he has acted out. Like a gun wound in my arm. Catching him acting out is like standing at close range. Having him lie about it is like him moving my arm around trying to show me that I didn't REALLY get shot in the first place. The fact that he has an addiction is the outside proof, it's what people on the outside could see- if I let them. It is what validates that I have pain in the first place- he acts out, and I have the right to be in pain according to everyone else.

Both equally suck- but both also in a twisted way have their perks- addict behavior - that numbing chronic pain- can be ignored when around "normal" people. No one feels uncomfortable, because on the outside you look like your life is in order, and in a way you can hide in the facade. The act of acting out gives you an out. Suddenly your husband can't twist your pain and say that you're crazy, because you have a tangible reason to be in pain.

A few months ago when my husband was working crazy weeks and didn't have time to act out- but was super stressed and therefore in addict behavior constantly, I dealt with the pain and lived in the facade until I took a look at my life one day and was like WHOA. Get away from there, you are in PAIN. So I made plans to leave.

And then J caught wind of that and quit his job and asked me to stay and give him a month... He did recovery work like crazy. But suddenly he had a lot of time on his hands.... and you add the shame of not having a job on top of it, and WHAM. Once-a-week I get a new disclosure. I have gotten relief from the chronic pain, and it felt good until I remembered the sharp pain of before.

I don't know if I want to keep switching back and forth between the two. I just want to live a pain-free life! Is that too much to ask? 

I do think it is fair for me to expect to not be hurt from the one person that I should be able to lean on and with whom I share my deepest thoughts and insights.

That being said, I drew a lot of comfort from this little snippet of a talk from president hinkley- if you need a smile, take a listen:

HERE

I love that man, he has the ability to help you understand deep things from the littlest situations. I'm thankful for the lord and his tender mercies he sends me daily. This is one of the ones from today.

I'm getting all philosophical over here

A philosophy that was shared with me and a few other WoPAs by a therapist has stuck with me lately, and I can see truth behind the words, at least in my life:

Men and women addicts lose two main things because of the addiction:

Men lose the desire to protect.

Women lose their desire to nurture.

This same therapist also said something that I don't 100% agree with: That our addict husbands never loved us, and that they literally don't know how.

It just shows that sometimes you have to listen to everything you hear with a filter of what speaks truth to you at the time. I honestly believe that my husband loves me- but the addiction robs him of certain critical things that must come with that to ensure a healthy relationship. 

What's that saying? "you can't live on love alone?"

Anyway, I want to process why the first part spoke so deeply to me (because I know that this doesn't necessarily apply to everyone).

I guess I am a little lucky(?) because I have experience in both ends... But even the feminist in me believes that men and women were born with gifts specific to each individual- which includes our gender. I believe that men are given the gift of desire to protect, and women the gift of desire to nurture.

I also believe that like all gifts, there is the chance that the gifts might be temporarily unavailable- whether by our own doing, or the doing of someone else (such as abuse).

I say temporarily unavailable because every once in a while, we can see glimpses of it. I saw glimpses of my husband wanting to protect me before the shame of the addiction shut it down. Recently I've been seeing more of it- and it is incredibly confusing what my emotional response is to it (but that's another blog post). But despite the adversaries best efforts to snuff that gift, I don't believe it is possible to snuff it out entirely because it is a gift that is built into us- like a car stereo.

It's funny, because when you are in the midst of an addiction, you don't even know that it is missing.  I sincerely thought that I was just an oddball because the thought of children just "was never appealing to me."  And it doesn't necessarily mean just the nurturing of children per say,  I cold turkey quit, and after about six months of sobriety, I nurtured the heck out of my husband... problem was that he was consumed in his addiction and pushed me off so many times that I went into survival mode.

I believe that being in trauma robs me of my gift of nurturing. When I first had my son, I think heavenly father blessed me with a surge of nurturing, but after a few months of being a mom with a zoned-out husband who kept looking at porn, I tried to numb the pain- and I think that also numbed my ability to nurture.

Okay here is my point in all of this: 

It's impossible for me to selectively numb. I can't just numb pain and sadness. I can't avoid the trauma. I can't run from it. I not only hurt myself by doing so, I hurt those I love- like my little guy. The greatest gift I can give my son is to actually look at the hard issues. It's ignoring those issues that has numbed my ability to truly feel joy and happiness- and the desire to nurture. 

Reflections

I went to my sister's Bachelorette party tonight.

I mean, need I say more? Every WOPA reading this can probably relate and read into that one sentence and just sort of know what is coming next.

I actually had a pretty good time. The food was great, the conversations were pretty fun. The first part was mostly just like a bridal shower. It wasn't until the second half that any of the "naughty" stuff came out when she opened up presents... I felt like I was watching the whole thing on TV. I would nod knowingly to the other married women and laugh at how the unmarried women just speculated and giggled. 

I feel like I have come a long way. In the past, I know that my instant feeling would be to instantly push the addiction onto other people. You know, kind of a "just you wait until you've been married for 10 years and your husband tells you he has a porn problem." But at this point, I have met so many hurt women by this illness that I sincerely wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy.

Mostly I left feeling okay- good even. But as I drove home and reflected, I got a strong feeling in my gut that I just couldn't identify.

But then I saw my husband when I got home and I knew what it was that was weighing on me. 

I am sad. I am grieving the loss of something that I don't think I ever really had: A healthy sex life. It's funny, but I couldn't joke about it. I couldn't do much more than nod my head one way or the other. It's funny because even my sister noticed and asked "is this weird for you?" and then to her friends "we don't talk about this stuff in our home." Which is true. We don't- but that wasn't the reason why I was quiet. 

I was quiet because I couldn't comfortably talk about any of my own sex life because mine is so riddled with confessions of acting out- followed by weeks of me not feeling safe enough to even touch in bed due to trauma flashbacks, let alone have sex with him. 

I didn't want to think about that while I was there. It was nice to just hear happy wives talking about their healthy sex lives and know that there is such thing in the world. Honestly, it was refreshing in a way.

Then I got home and it was just weighed so heavily on my chest- and I got pretty damn angry/sad. And realized that this is another thing that this addiction stole from me. My sister being the spiritual gem that she is also shared a quote from Elder Holland about how intimacy between a man and a woman literally bonds a man and a woman physically and spiritually. She talked about how that is the part of it that she really wants,.  It was so sweet, and I could tell that the spirit was there when she said it.

I mean, isn't that what we all want? Isn't that what we crave for when we are intimate? I know I do. I guess that is the part the hurts-- that is why this is so traumatic for the wives.  It takes a piece of our soul that we bonded to this man we are married to and makes us question it.

But for me, there is good news. Because I have an older brother who has my back. And he has yours too, if you'll let him.

 4 ¶Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.

 5 But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed

First check the label

Shower time is my thinking time. My mind races a mile a minute, and I come up with some of my best plans. My very wise mother-in-law says it is because there is no technology to distract our brains, and it is the only time we have our thoughts all to ourselves. Today in the shower while I was thinking about one of the triggers I had the night before, I half-mindedly pumped the bottle of shampoo and tried lathering it into my hair, but it just wouldn't sud up. So I added more water to it thinking that was all it needed. When that didn't work, I inserted a thought into my already very distracted brain "Man my hair is greasy today!", and I pumped another handful of soap into my hair, when that didn't work, it had my full attention. I mean I have a pixie cut, really, I don't need that much soap to suds up the little amount of hair that I have! I started thinking about just how greasy my hair was, thinking about how gross I was for having grown over-active grease pores in my scalp overnight. When the third pump didn't work, I added a fourth thinking surely this last pump would do the trick... and it didn't! I scrubbed really fast hoping the speed would activate the suds. Doing a combination of both sort of worked, but not really- it still felt like it needed more soap to get the suds going. I felt like a greasy goblin!

I was out of options- I mean there really isn't much to washing your hair- so I decided to just look at the soap- maybe my son had dumped out the bottle and filled it with water- wouldn't be the first time that's happened. But then I remembered the consistency- it wasn't super watery, it was rather thick actually. Frustrated at this point- I looked at the label. And there it was as clear as day: Conditioner.

I angrily laughed. I had just spent a good five minutes trying to suds up conditioner! My conditioner bottle and my shampoo bottle are exactly the same- the are the same color and they have the same smell. 

I was immediately hit with a lesson to learn from that experience: Before looking at the logical reasons why my hair wasn't sudsing up, I had gone to the immediate conclusion that something was wrong with me rather than something being wrong with the situation itself. It's a lesson that I have to learn over and over again- and it applied to the trigger that I had been thinking about while this all was happening.

After the intensive, J and I have been working on our independent recoveries. It is HARD WORK. Surrendering EVERY trigger is exhausting- but I felt everynight that I was going to bed with a clean plate and without any resentment buildup for me to deal with the next day.

I trusted him to be doing the same exhausting work- and to be coming up with plans on how he was going to deal with the triggers if they happened in the future, and not sharing his lapses with me unless he surrendered them first and then had a plan to show me the work he was doing to avoid it happening again.

Here's the lesson: I had walked down at midnight because I had been watching Downton Abby later than I really should have, and decided at the end of it all to at least try to find some sort of healthy physical outlet that I could use to feel connected to my body physically. I found a flyer online for a  co-ed softball league! I was so excited I jumped out of bed and went down to the couch where my husband is sleeping right now, to so him the flyer. When I got down there I saw that he was watching a show on his iPad. I was instantly triggered but do you know what my mind automatically told myself? "Oh, it probably isn't that show that he told you earlier that day that he wouldn't watch anymore- he told you he wouldn't- what's wrong with you? Just trust that he is doing his work." So I ignored the fact that I was triggered and showed him the flyer, and went up to bed.

Fast forward to 2:00  in the morning: I wake up to my little guy crying so I got up to go help him. J is in the hall looking like he has been  up for a long time. I get triggered because linking the two of those triggers together is alarming. But my brain refuses to acknowledge the fact that I'm triggered because it instantly thinks "Man, you are so flipping tired from going to bed so late, you shouldn't trust what your eyes are telling you right now- just because you look a certain way when you wake up at two in the morning doesn't mean that J has to look that way too."

Did you see what I did in both of those triggers:

I ignored my needs because I told myself that I was the problem.

But if I would have just looked at the facts just like I looked at the label on the conditioner bottle I would have seen this:

1. No matter what show he is or isn't watching, seeing J alone in the dark on a device is triggering. Period. End of story.

2.  After seeing that first trigger, it is also triggering to see him looking wide awake at 2:00 in the morning.

3. I have a right to raise a red flag when he says he is going to do something and then he doesn't. Like he said he was going to go running and then watched shows all day instead.

That is what it says on the dang label. There is nothing wrong with me for not trusting him yet. Just like I will be in the shower for the next few days: I will definitely be looking at the label before I pump any soap into my hand because I don't 100% believe that is going to be in the same spot every time like it was before.

I trusted after this weekend that he would do the work and that would be the end of it. But he didn't. And I don't trust him. And that's okay- because trusting him makes me feel crazy right now. I'm learning. I gave him a little bit of trust, and it made me feel like there was something wrong with me because I didn't allow myself to look at the facts because I wanted to trust that he was working his full recovery.

Truth is, that I was right in my triggers. He did act out. It hurts so much this time because I finally felt like we were on the same page about recovery. We had moved from almost divorce in my eyes to turning things around. This time confused me, but not really. I am going to keep doing the exhausting work- because divorce or not divorce this is my new life, and I am learning to love and embrace it. If he chooses to do his work instead of cutting corners then we are working towards the same end goal and in the end it will work out between us. If not, we are moving farther apart and that leads away from each other.

For the next little bit, it is just a wait and see situation.