Marvelled.

I am one of those people who like to look back and see how much I have changed, I tend to do it a lot. As a freshman in college, I looked back at my high-school self, and marveled that I was even the same person. On the day I got married, I marveled at how only a year before I had just met J, some cute guy that looked and sounded like Justin Timberlake, I couldn't believe back then I had truly thought that things were the only way to make me happy- having the right shoes/clothes/decor... A year later, I thought I had figured out the meaning for my- to marry the man I loved, and save him from his addiction- life was about being completely selfless.

A year later, I looked bitterly back at that girl on her wedding day, so full of hope and wept that my life of hope was over, and wept over the hollow shell that a year of emotional abuse, rape, and manipulation had turned me into. I thought about killing myself, but was saved through a series of miraculous events that are too sacred to share.

Six months after that, I marveled at how much of my pain therapy was helping me to face, and I marveled at the possibility for more change. Over the past year, I have been amazed at how much I have grown. I look back at the person I was before, and it's hard to recognize that girl. I know that along the way, some people only know me for the person that I was at that time in my life, and it makes me a little sad- because sometimes I don't even recognize the person that I was then most of the time.

I am happy because I believe that this is the way that it is supposed to be- life is supposed to be ever changing. We are supposed to ever change with it. My problem as of late, is believing that I have sort of hit the end of my "change." It's sort of ridiculous now that I have written it out... for the past month, ever since the big move, I have looked back and marveled at how far I have come in the 1 year and 4 months that I have been in therapy.

I marvel when I give my sister advice and it is definitely not the same advice I would have given earlier in my life. I marvel when I am able to walk away from drama without saying a snide remark on my way out. I marvel when I give angry people in the grocery store the benefit of the doubt, thinking who knows, maybe they are going through the hell I have known...

The change is so incredible that I have stopped seeking the change! I have stopped looking for ways to improve... I started taking credit for my own accomplishments rather than thanking heavenly father for blessing me with ways to improve, and for the progress I have made.

But watching Elder Uchtorf's talk again today made me realize that I can't stop. I have the Lowe's theme in my mind right now: "Never stop improving." I think the reason why life is starting to get harder is because I have stopped doing the little dailies that help me to feel whole. Doing those little things DAILY is a fantastic way to start improving again.

My husband and I are going to start up fresh at another Lifestar program where we moved, and I am really excited for it. I am hoping that by having gone through it once before, I will be able to glean some new information that I was too traumatized before to take advantage of. I am really going to miss Tyler (our last therapist- here's my shameless plug: If any of you are in the Logan area and don't know where to start in your journey to recovery- PLEASE, I beg you please look up Tyler. He is amazing, and I don't know where I or my husband would be with out him- and no I didn't get paid to say that ;))

I am determined to pick my lazy bum up, and point my arrow back towards heaven. I am going to stop turning on the TV to numb. I am going to find a way to fit exercise into my schedule again, and I most definitely will be actually CALLING people again (Lisa, I mean you ;). When did I stop doing all of this? I have no idea! It was such a gradual thing.

So if any of you were over here with me on the ground watching the Marvel train go by, let's hold hands and jump back on so that we can LIVE the marvel! It's good look back and see progress, but when it hinders your here and now, you know that it's time to start looking forward again.

AHH I just feel so much love for all my WOPA sisters right now, it's overflowing!! If you are reading this, consider yourself hugged.

Prep it up.

Today is the last day of my "on week." (I work on a week, off a week).

I thought today I would use this blog as a way to be accountable, and in order to do that, I have to set some goals for my upcoming off week!

Goal #1: Self Care. Self Care. Self Care. I know that it wont make up for a week without much of it, but it can't hurt to do as much as possible so that I CAN feel good on my next on week, Like I can actually put up my decorations so that I am not stressed having them all over the floor.

Goal #2: Be social. I am going to gab this week.

Goal #3: Stay on top of my dailies, and get into a morning routine so I can get in the habit of incorporating dailies into my life again.

Goal #4: Enjoy being able to spend time with my son! Woot woot! That means getting outside while it's still warm!

Goal #5: Shower and make a conscious decision on what I am going to wear and how I am going to look that day.

Also, here's a shoutout to little victories:
My husband almost got a smartphone today, like literally was walking out the door to get it, but didn't feel right about it so he didn't! It is little victories like that that give me hope for the future!

Survival

First Matter of Business: The check in:

My husband has this analogy: he calls it the toothpaste analogy. He always says that just because you brush your teeth one day doesn't mean that you can count it for the next day too. He is always applying this to recovery work. Like recovery work has to be a daily thing, right? Anyway, I got this new job that has me working all week from 9-5, and then being on-call for the rest of the night. BUT then I get the whole next week completely off. When I heard about the set-up, I was all "HECK YES!" but I didn't think about how the toothpaste analogy applies to this situation. I LOVE my off weeks. I HATE my on weeks. Don't get me wrong, I love my job. But i don't love my job+husbands crazy hours+trying to be a mommy all at the same time. That leaves me almost zero me time, and no self-care. 

How do you working mamas DO it??

I am in shock and awe at what you do, and seriously need some pointers. 

Second Matter of Business: The Vomit:

I have decided to call this the vomit because this is the stuff that I don't know what to do with, but I want to understand my feelings towards it, so I'm just going to vomit it all up right now:

1. We went to see the Bishop two days ago. I felt like he (the bishop) was physically there, but mentally somewhere else. Which was fine for a first meeting. J told the bishop that he was an addict, and that we were formally in therapy support groups where we came from. The bishop (still didn't feel like he was all there) smiled and said "that's fine" and then told us that there was a mens support group for addicts in the stake. Then we moved along and that was it. J felt good about telling him, but I felt off. As I'm writing this, I'm realizing that its probably because after that moment he didn't look at me until we shook hands to say goodbye. I guess I'm sick of having to tell bishops that this also effects the wives, and that the trauma that is caused by this stupid addiction is real. I really really wish that there was some kind of meeting where all the bishops got together and someone could tell them to watch out for the wives. BUT that is me going into victim mode, which is a form of denial. I am a strong and independent woman, and I can do this again. And again. And I can keep educating and showing that this is a real thing.

2. I miss my therapy girls. It's hard not having that check-in every single week. It's hard to KNOW that I can't go to lunch with them if one of us really needed it. It's crazy, because it's not like we got together every week, but it was nice knowing they were there. There seriously needs to be some sort of support group in southern utah county because I KNOW I'm not the only one out here.

3. J keeps going in and out of recovery. I can't do anything about it. Bah. Reading that sentence that I just wrote made me realize that I have ZERO control over anything he does. Man it's hard to let that go. *deep breath*  Ok. I commit to taking control of my recovery. I will either write on this blog or refer back to my recovery binder every day before I allow myself to get lost on Hulu and try to numb the pain. I will face life in a way that will ultimately make me happy. There. I said it.