Stirrings

I'm a little scatterbrained today, so I thought I would share a little bit about the things that have been on my mind the last few days:

First, I'll update the Bishop situation: He just called us in to tell us that he feels that we should go back to activities we had done when we were dating/engaged, and fall back in love using the same dates that we fell in love doing before. It's actually been really good for us, we haven't watched as many shows as we used to right before going to bed, and we've been pulling the games off the shelf and blowing off the dust- It's been really bonding. We also have become a little less strict with bedtime and our boy, we figure that we are in college and young still, and he is a college baby, let's live (reasonably- we still try to be home by 10, which would have seemed so weird back when we didn't have a baby) and enjoy living. It's been pretty awesome, we've gone to concerts, ballgames, and a lot of other fun activities. It's a little harder to be isolated when you're out being reminded that the world is still spinning.

Okay, now on to what's on my mind

The reason why I chose the word "stirrings" as a title for this post is because of that feeling I am starting to sense in the air- the winds of change are blowing. I am getting a new sister-in-law in a few months, we are going off to who knows where for law school this fall, we are finishing up phase 2 of the lifestar program, and I have no idea where we are going to go from there- if we will start over with a new phase 2 now that my husband is becoming more committed to be sober at the end of the program, or if we will continue on to phase 3- which is supposed to be a hard phase where you dig into the roots of the problem..., my baby is turning into a talking toddler, and that's a huge change, I'm studying for the LSAT, and will be graduating next year. I guess I am feeling the stirrings of the new woman I am becoming, and I love it! Lately, I have also felt the stirrings of love coming back into my heart for my husband- I didn't realize how little was left until we started building again, it's been pretty cool. Also, he has been sober for about 2 weeks now, woot woot! Last time we went two months, so he's reaching for a new record, and I'm proud of him.

Other thing on my mind:

Have you guys read this article that's going around the internet? I read it, and agreed with everything it was saying, he had a lot of good points. I like that it was written by a man to men. Do you think it's something you would share with your husband? I am afraid it will hit my husband's shame button if I did...

New Nerves

I have really had to process exactly went down at my Bishops visit. It was... interesting? haha! I went in with this complete plan of what I was going to say: I was going to tell my story, and then let him know that it really hurt me when he told my husband what he did. The appointment was set for the short time between our group therapy session, and after he came home, he told me that he regretted not fighting for me in the interview when Bishop said that, and that he wanted to come and fight for me now. I wanted to fight my own battle, so I told him I would do it alone, but I appreciated the thought. I wish I would have taken him. Long story short, I prayed for courage and strength to say what I needed to say. So I told my story, and after I told him about the part where my dad gave me that advice, and how much it messed me up, and that no matter what I did, I couldn't satisfy him, he interrupted and told me that I was right, that I would never be able to satisfy that craving. What was I supposed to do with that? It put doubt into my mind. Did he really even tell my husband the advice that he did? And if he did, why on earth would he do that? If he already knew that I couldn't satisfy him, and that I was so traumatized by that experience? Needless to say, I was really caught off guard at that moment, but I reacted positively, and kept telling my story. After telling my story, but before I could tell him his words hurt me, he stared at me and asked why I was telling him this- Why I was there. I was stunned and caught off guard, possibly because the only times I have told my story, I have been met with sympathy and love, and I felt like he had listened just to get it over with- he didn't see how this applied to my being there. I forgot why I was there, and somehow it got tied into him telling me that I HAD to forgive my husband for our marriage to survive. Like I didn't already know that. I have been stewing the interview over and over, and I hope that when he heard what that advice did to me when I heard it and tried to apply it over before, that it hit a chord- but I don't know. I keep mentally hitting myself for not coming right out and saying it. 

My husband got a text from the executive secretary this morning saying that Bishop wanted to meet with both of us today. I am nervous. Really nervous.

Partly because we got in a really really big fight this morning. My husband has been working hard to help me feel safe and earn my trust again. However, stupid fights come up that have "nothing to do" with the addiction to him, and everything to do with addict behavior to me. For example, this morning, our baby wakes up fairly early, and we are both tired and not ready to get up. We have fought about it in the past, and our solution was that we both get up, no more letting the other one sleep. We have been sort of breaking that rule lately, and letting the other one sleep. My husband yesterday when we were on vacation let me sleep, and said that he did it without expecting anything in return. This morning, however, when I didn't leave the lights off and door closed to let him sleep, all hell broke loose. He persecuted me for an hour, not leaving me alone, following me wherever I went, and attacking me with hurtful words. I calmly asked him to give me space over and over, and didn't respond to the attacking words. When he wouldn't leave me alone, I told him that if he didn't leave me alone, I would appreciate him leaving himself. When he wouldn't do that, I put on mine and my babe's coats, and got ready to leave without making a scene of it. He finally went in to bed and shut the door to leave me alone. In the middle of the fight I told him that I deserved better than this treatment, and that my baby deserved better than to learn to treat me like this. I feel like I did it in a very calm way, and wasn't feeling panicky like I do when I start taking in and responding to the verbal abuse. I would have left and been totally okay with it. Does anybody else have fights like this and are able to tie it to addict behavior even if your husband can't see it, and says that you are playing your "trump card" in the argument? I feel crazy when he says things like that- but maybe that's the goal.

So there it is- that happened today, and it is obvious that he is not in the same "fighting for me" mindset that he was in when I went in the first time I went to the Bishops office- and we get to go in together again. I am afraid I am going to be ganged up on. But I am stronger now, and I am not afraid of leaning into the fear. I will do extra self care and call some of my support group, and be prepared for it if it happens. It helps writing things down, and knowing that I have friends in this. 

Day of Nerves

 So after this last slip, my husband went and talked to the Bishop after church on Sunday.

Usually after these meetings, my husband is either really on edge because (a) he's still in addict mode or (b) the bishop doesn't really understand this addiction, and totally hits his shame button... so he's usually down or really up because of a blessing the bishop gave him, or some really sound advice, usually pertaining to scripture study, prayer or some other aspect of his fatherly duties.

He usually comes home and straight away wants to talk about what the bishop discussed, but this time he was closed lipped... which threw up some red flags in my mind. So I asked him about it, and he said that it was really good, and that he had gotten some good advice- but that he thought I wouldn't like some of the other stuff that the Bishop had said.

Flashbacks of the last time I didn't like what Bishop had said came rushing into my mind: About two months ago, the Bishop had responded to a text my hubby sent him about a slip, and the bishop replied asking if maybe I could "do something" to "help him out." Indicating that I wasn't putting out enough- but not explicitly saying it. So I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt.

This time however, Bishop came straight out and said it: "I know Ashley wants you to get over this, why doesn't she help you out more? Maybe her giving you more may stay the urges." ........ silence. All along I have been disappointed that our bishop doesn't seem interested in learning about the addiction, and how it works, how it effects the wife. But he is human and he is not perfect. I don't think he means to be ignorant. I truly believe that he loves each and every one of his ward members, and that is why I set up an appointment to go in and talk to him tonight before group- so that if it does go wrong, I have a strong group to process it with.

I don't want to go marching in there, and accuse him of being ignorant, nor do I want to go in there and preach or lecture. I simply want to go in there and tell my story. He knows my husband's story, but he doesn't know mine. I am pretty sure that if he knew my history of having my dad tell me the almost exact same advice before we got married, and how badly it messed me up, I am sure that he would not have given that advice. I am sure that if he knew about me freezing up and having my brain shut down when I don't feel like I have a choice in my home, that he wouldn't have given that advice. If he knew that I felt like a prostitute, or slept with pain killers under my pillow for a few months from feeling like a nobody, because I was trying to follow that advice, and blamed myself every time my husband told me about a slip, I am sure that he would not have given that advice.

I also want to address the fact that he may feel like this therapy isn't helping. We were 4-5 months into our lifestar program when we moved into this new ward (we are gratefully and humbly accepting help from the church in funding the therapy), but what he may not know, because my husband isn't one to boast or brag, is that my husband has cut down his slips from 1-3 times a day to once every month or so... which is still way too often for me, but a HUGE improvement. His humble warrior is finally getting some air, and the ability to soak in the sun- something that didn't happen very often. I was in constant fear, being verbally abused, and looked over like I wasn't even there. Life was a very dark place before therapy. But I really think that he just doesn't know that. We found out this last session that our ward didn't help pay for therapy last month, which stresses me out, but at the same time, I would rather eat ramen noodles for every meal and keep going to therapy, than drop out- because dropping out means that I either slowly go back to that dark place, or my husband and I get divorced because therapy is what keeps his addict in check, and I am stronger now- without therapy, I would hold to my boundaries until I couldn't take it any more.

So that's what I am going to go in there and talk about. I am scared, but I really feel like it's the right thing to do. Wish me luck!

When you're doing it all, but it's still not enough

 Well, since the last emotional post, I have been able to stay really connected with my support group of amazing women, and done plenty of self care. It has felt good to get my feet back underneath me.

I haven't written on my public blog, where people know who I am, and I talk about the fun things that my family does together, so I started writing a new post for it:

"I went out with my amazing and beautiful mother-in-law, and my sweet sister-in-law who I adore, and had a fun day out shopping with the girls. I came home to see my little babe and my husband out in the yard, my babe with chocolate on his face, and a smile from ear-to-ear as he played in the crunchy leaves, and my heart swelled with love for my little family..."

And that's where it stops. Because after playing for just a second longer, all of us rosy cheeked people went inside our warm home- and my husband lays one on me. (no not a kiss) He tells me that he slipped on my computer- oh but don't worry, no naked women. Oh well, Whew, right? What a relief. 

Sometimes I wish that I could just be upfront and honest about things where people actually know who I am. I wish that there would be no fear of rejection of either me or my husband if I came out straight up with the things we are struggling with. But I sit here, thinking about my real life, compared to what people think my life is like... I'm not saying I purposefully put on a front, I do try to be authentic and real with whomever I talk to, but I don't like putting anything negative online for some reason. Anyway, that was off-topic.

I don't even know what to say when my husband slips anymore- I always thank him for being honest with me. Then I sit there, and I don't really say anything. I don't cry. I eventually make a joke, or ask Siri what the score of whatever game is on, so I can distract myself from the pain. I think that's what I do. And then, if I am in a healthy mood, I call somebody from group... except that rarely happens. So I pretend like it didn't happen, or I sulk and make biting comments at him. 

Today was a "pretend it didn't happen" day, and I didn't realize it, but I feel pretty numb. Something that hit me pretty hard when we started attending therapy was that you can't selectively numb- If you numb one aspect of your life, you numb others. You can't numb pain without numbing your happiness. And Dang it, I want to be happy! So I am doing what I can right now by exposing the pain and leaning into it rather than running from it.

So here is what I am going to do: I am going to finally write my letter of anger to my husband (but I don't think I'm going to let him read it), and that is most likely going to expose the pain, followed by a good nights sleep, and then I am going to teach a killer sunbeams lesson, followed by a day of piano playing, walk taking, 2-phone call making awesomeness. And Hubby is sleeping on the couch. And I say to life: Bring it. 

Hello Internet Friends

I'm typing to you when I should be in class. Why am I not in class, you ask? Before group, my husband confessed that he had masterbated. Ugh I hate that word. I hate it I hate it I hate it.

I should have expected that he would be in addict mode right after, right before. And yet, it surprises me every time. He woke up "mad" at me for "controlling his life.", said that he was "just coming to terms with the fact that this was his new life."He's mad at me for passing on a message from our therapist asking him to call and be accountable for lying to the guys in group. He says that if I pass that message on, I have internalized it and believe he's a liar. And he's mad at me for it. And I sit there without an expression on my face. Just listening. Listening to him tear down the work and progress that I had made in the last three weeks since his last slip. One. Word. At. A. Time. Sit there, wishing my emotions weren't a house of cards that with a puff of his air he could just knock down.

In the last hour, I have been called controlling, a bad mother, a bad housekeeper, a name-caller, a bad wife, dumb, and spacey. I have been told that I can't keep track of my own things, that I am a wreck emotionally. And he's mad at me. Great. 

So the fact that I have stayed with him through the last 2 1/2 years means nothing anymore. The fact that I have been living in a marriage that makes my life a living hell with the hopes that he will pull out if it means nothing. The fact that I have hope in him means nothing- because right now, in the mindset he is in now means that he truly doesn't believe that he will ever get over this.

I have set up boundaries to keep myself safe. Distance. Self care. I have to get out of his way so he can fix this himself- but when we're in the car on my way to school, and I see myself in the reflection, and I think to myself. "Yeah, I look pretty good today... I bet if anyone saw me they would have no clue that I am living in hell right now." I must have said it out loud- I didn't think that I did, but all of a sudden, my husband had new ammo. 

I keep thinking to myself: "distance. self care. distance. self care. Just make it to school so you can escape" But I can't escape that car fast enough, and before you know it, I am bawling. Sobbing. Praying to God in my heart: "What did I do to deserve this? What am I supposed to get out of this part of the test, Father?" And Just like that, my escape plan is gone. I can't go to class like this. I'm a wreck. 

I hate this. I never understood why people had to be Debbie Downers before this hit my life. I always thought to myself: C'mon peeps, where's the silver lining? It can't be all that bad. Snap out of it. But maybe this is why. Maybe it's because they are trying everything they have to be positive. Maybe they work and work and work, and the situation keeps slapping them in the face, back to the place where they started.

I know what I need to do: get out of the house (mostly because as I write this, he keeps coming in with another insult). Distance. Self Care. I am taking a practice LSAT today to prepare for the test in June. I think he also feels threatened that I am pursuing a career... I really think God knew that I needed something that could consistently stop me from being isolated, which is why he talks about my career and schooling so much in my patriarchal blessing. I still want to be a good mother, and I believe with the Lord's help I still can. It just hits his pride. Hardcore. I don't know what to do about it, because I am definitely not going to give up on my dreams- and usually he supports me in them. We both grew up in homes with stay at home mothers- so it's hard for us both to imagine what life will be like once that time in our life hits- once school is over, and we can move on with our lives in four years... My babe will be in Kindergarden, and I don't know if I want any more kids- one maybe. But that's only if we are pretty far from the fight we are fighting now.

I understand that he has had a rough go at the last week- His sister had major brain surgery, and he barely got to the phone in time to stop his brother from committing suicide. Tough Tough stuff, and I have been really worried about him, but he kept saying he was fine... and then yesterday it all exploded.

Well, I am going to go and get myself some breakfast, and perhaps get my nails done before going and taking that practice exam. Thanks for being my online friends- so good knowing that I'm not alone in this.