My Self Cheer!

We learned in group tonight that our minds are powerful enough to reverse some of the negative things that we tell ourselves and that are told to us! Awesome, right?? So I was thinking about it on the way home, and I decided to be my own cheerleader, and write something on here (because then it can perhaps help more than just myself), so that I can go back and read when I'm needing it. And at the risk of sounding egotistical... here it goes:

I am AWESOME.

Seriously, I am so strong, how did I miss it?

I can overcome whatever is thrown at me...

and OWN it!

I have a trial. I am a wife of a Porn Addict.

But this is MY trial, and I am grateful for a Father in Heaven who loves me enough to personalize my trials to be mine and only mine...

 To polish and mold me into the Goddess I AM becoming!

Sometimes it hurts, and I am STRONG enough to EMBRACE it!

I am SMART enough to feel without trying to numb.

Because you can't selectively numb- if you numb one part, you numb it all...

and I don't want that

BECAUSE I LOVE LIFE

My faith is turning to stone, and I will be forever changed by this process

In a GOOD way

No matter what the choices my husband makes, 

I am in CHARGE of my own Happiness

of my own choices

of my own being

and knowing that feels INCREDIBLE.

And before long,

All of this awesomeness wont be able to be contained

I will want to help everyone see the BEAUTY that lives in them,

Just like it lives in me.

Because it's in all of us.

And if we nurture the BREATHTAKING, BEWILDERING, and EXTRAORDINARY that lives in us, 

There's no WAY we will be able to contain it!

WE COULD CHANGE THE WORLD.

Simply because I started by embracing my greatness

And I'm going to start right now

Because I'm great like that.

Drama

Drama. It is the food that the addict likes to feed on. I am grateful for this knowledge. When we first got married and I was in denial that this whole thing was a problem again, I always wondered why we fought so much, and why even the littlest things sent us right into drama.

I didn't know about the two different lights that drama presents itself in: the persecutor mode (usually my husband... unless it was about the addiction, then it was very much myself), and the Victim (usually me).

I am not proud to say that I didn't handle a trigger very well today- We have an iPhone that I have the lock to as a toy for my son that I noticed that my husband and locked up trying to guess the password. I called him on the phone and called him out on it... which I am not proud of. Usually I am able to take a breath, call a group member, and then ask about it later when I'm in a healthy mindset. But I called him in the heat of the moment, and that obviously put him into a bad mood at school.

Later today, we got into an argument because he kept holding it over my head, he called me controlling a million times, and when I walked away, he texted me the word "control" at least 20 times. ugh. Anyway, I was able to not enter "victim" mode when he entered "persecutor" mode! And while it sucked for the 15/20 minutes I was being attacked, I was able to be in a clear mind- and not rub it in his face.

I simply told him in a matter of fact voice that I was not perfect, and neither was he. Sometimes we both make mistakes. I told him that his mistakes hurt me more than my little mistake hurt him, but that I try hard not to hold it over his head, and that I would appreciate the same courtesy. I told him that I didn't deserve it.

And that was it! I am so proud of it. Rather than being sucked in, I was able to keep my head clear and keep out of the drama cycle that feeds the addict! Yay me! :) I'm celebrating a small victory.

 Happy monday!

Connection

I just received a beautiful letter from my Sister-in-law, someone I really admire and look up to. She has been one of my favorite people since the day I met her over a year ago, and I knew she and I were meant to be the best of friends forever. Part of the reason is that our husbands grew up being the best of friends. Seriously tied at the hip, and when each of them went on missions they didn't know what to do without their other half. Tweedle-dee was missing the Tweedle-dum, and after one got home, it was vice versa.

My cute SIL has always been there for me, we have inside jokes and always have a blast when we are together. However I never thought I would be okay telling her about the struggles I have had since I started this journey. Finally this last summer, I felt this huge prompting to tell her at least about the counseling that Jase and I were working on because there really are no secrets in the family, but still sometimes it seems that nothing really gets talked about. So I let her in on some of basic need-to-know kind of things, and she was really sweet about it. And I thought that was it!

Back to the letter I received, she handed it to me tonight as she was heading out the door. I was anxious to read what it said, but I had the feeling like it had to do with the information that I had given earlier this summer. I was a little apprehensive, but the envelope had a heart on it, and I was reminded that because it was from her, it couldn't be anything but something entirely sweet.

And I was not wrong. She filled the letter with supportive words, and heartfelt stories reminding me of our fun times that have made us better friends. Of course I bawled through the whole thing. ;) But my heart completely skipped a beat when she told me that she had found this blog of mine through a link that I had put on this video I made for a school project last semester. When I made the video, I had no idea that there were other women out there who had created sites for the sole purpose of being there for women with husbands with porn addictions, I just knew that if anyone found that video it could be because they were struggling too, and needed to reach out. I just wanted them to know that they weren't alone, so I posted a link to my blog at the end of it.

The funny thing is that the feeling that I felt when I read that she had found it (after shock), was relief. I felt absolute relief knowing that someone that I was close to knew that vulnerability in me. I have put a front up for absolutely everyone besides my husband. My mom, sisters, other friends, they may know that somethings going on, but I haven't told them just how deep my hurt and shame have been because of it. I was afraid of being rejected by someone who hasn't gone through my same struggle. My SIL hasn't gone through it, but she was nothing but nonjudgemental and christlike about it, and I am eternally grateful.

So, the lesson I have learned is this: while I am not ready to become fully public about this, I am planning on being able to share my story and help women who struggle with this problem. Something that I CAN do right now to work towards this goal is to be okay with being vulnerable. Vulnerability is the key to connection.