My husband has noticed my slump over the past week.
So today, he pushed himself under the bus in order to keep the house clean and take me to my favorite restaurant, and just have a "relaxing" day.
Today has been anything but relaxing.
Sheesh, I can finally see what my co-dependent self looked like from the other side.
When my husband was in a slump, I would go out of my way to plan his life, cook gourmet meals, keep the house spotless, and make his life as easy as possible. And then I would demand to know what work he was doing for his recovery. I just wanted to see that he was WORKING.
That's kind of what happened today. My hubby kept the house clean, let me take a loong shower, took me out to lunch, kept the babe entertained, ect. I was finally feeling motivated again, and ready to jump into life a new woman. However, tonight as I sat down to go over my schedule, my husband comes in and tells me that my behavior over the past week has driven him crazy, and that he just wanted to see that I was WORKING on getting out of my slump.
Talk about a joykill.
I finally saw why I couldn't do my husband's work for him; it was a lesson learned. It was an annoying lesson to learn. I am so frustrated. I think I mentioned before that the major numbing part of my slump was watching a t.v. marathon, you know the netflix marathons that are so common in our culture. I'm not proud of it, and I have set up some pretty firm new bottom lines around them now.
It was just hard to have my husband come in and talk to me like he would his teenage girl. He talked about how hard it was for him to get rid of his laptop, and how much his life had been blessed because of it. He said that he wasn't trying to tell me to get rid of my laptop. Guys, he was treating me like I was one of the guys in his porn group, and I wanted to punch him in the face. Granted, I did get carried away with the T.V. dramas this week in order to numb from life. But I am a mother taking online classes, and having a laptop at home makes it possible for me to get homework done while my child is sleeping and my husband is at school. I am not exaggerating when I say that 90% of the work I do on my laptop is productive work. I am so frustrated at him for comparing all of my reasons for keeping it with the excuses he would give for holding on to his laptop. I am sorry, but I do not have a destructive addiction that I am trying to fend off. In fact, one of the most healing parts of my recovery has been this blog... something that would be nearly impossible to put time into if I didn't have my computer here at home.
well, now I'm ranting.
It's just been a frustrating day, and I can't tell you how terrible it is to feel judged by the person that has hurt you so much, when he suddenly decides that it's time to beat the addiction, and you're having a hard time coping with it. Obviously coming from an emotional place as I write this... maybe it would be good to get some sleep and start up anew tomorrow.
Ouch. I'm sorry. That just sounds painful. Know, though, that you need to do what you need to do to heal. And sometimes that requires netflix marathons. Sometimes you just have to waste some time to feel ready to get back in action.
ReplyDeleteHopefully after a good night's rest you will feel better tomorrow.
And maybe even talk to him about how his actions/words made you feel...? And maybe even bring in the little lesson you learned. I've found that I HATE it when I learn things like that. I don't want to open up to Ben about it, but opening up about it and admitting that maybe in the past I'd made mistakes or how his actions affected me or whatever has helped our relationship.
But all in due time. There are times when talking about it would have hurt. Just an idea though :)
Kilee, I really appreciate your kind words, I read them right when I needed to hear them. While I have never met you, I feel like you are a dear friend. Thank you.
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