They say you'll know

They say you'll know when your husband enters true recovery....

Well, for the first time, I know.

And knowing has made me bitter.

And admitting this has made me realize why my OWN recovery is so important.

Because we rely so much on our husbands recovery.

I was doing so great at my own recovery that I was completely blindsided to listen to my husband one day, and realize that all he really talked about was recovery.

It has become his life,

and even on his bad days, it has become his lifeline.
He's even starting up his own SA group...
It's awesome!

It's also weird.

I thought that I had come to this point where I was okay with my life the way it was, I had accepted it.

FACT- My husband was a recovering porn addict. 

FACT- I have tools that can keep me safe, and I know how to use them

FACT- I don't know how to transition into thinking that I may one day actually be expected to start trusting him again.

FACT- I have gotten so good at protecting myself from the hurt in healthy ways, that I don't know what to do when he isn't being ruled by the addiction completely.

So I stopped doing recovery work for the last week.

I haven't wanted to face it.

I started numbing myself with stupid t.v. marathons...

and I have been watching what I have been working for go down the drain:

No more self care

Scripture study is gone-zo

My house, which I had finally gotten to a manageable state is in absolute shambles

I have been skipping classes (Isolation)

It's been a rough go.

But I'm doing the hard thing right now, and I'm owning it, facing it head on, and finally, I am going to do something about it. My recovery doesn't stop as soon as his starts... My recovery will have to be with me for the rest of my life. It will have to stay with me to stay sane. I am realizing that healthy people tend to have these same life skills that I am just learning.

So here I am, committing to you, my dear internet friends, that I am back in the game. No more feeling sorry for myself. I don't want to go backwards, I am ready to go forwards. So, I am going to re-commit:

My number one priority is my dailies:

Self Care

Scripture Study,

Self Affirmations,

Boundaries,

and Scheduling.

These things keep me sane.

And these things will keep me healthy and strong, and keep me from going backwards.