They say you'll know

They say you'll know when your husband enters true recovery....

Well, for the first time, I know.

And knowing has made me bitter.

And admitting this has made me realize why my OWN recovery is so important.

Because we rely so much on our husbands recovery.

I was doing so great at my own recovery that I was completely blindsided to listen to my husband one day, and realize that all he really talked about was recovery.

It has become his life,

and even on his bad days, it has become his lifeline.
He's even starting up his own SA group...
It's awesome!

It's also weird.

I thought that I had come to this point where I was okay with my life the way it was, I had accepted it.

FACT- My husband was a recovering porn addict. 

FACT- I have tools that can keep me safe, and I know how to use them

FACT- I don't know how to transition into thinking that I may one day actually be expected to start trusting him again.

FACT- I have gotten so good at protecting myself from the hurt in healthy ways, that I don't know what to do when he isn't being ruled by the addiction completely.

So I stopped doing recovery work for the last week.

I haven't wanted to face it.

I started numbing myself with stupid t.v. marathons...

and I have been watching what I have been working for go down the drain:

No more self care

Scripture study is gone-zo

My house, which I had finally gotten to a manageable state is in absolute shambles

I have been skipping classes (Isolation)

It's been a rough go.

But I'm doing the hard thing right now, and I'm owning it, facing it head on, and finally, I am going to do something about it. My recovery doesn't stop as soon as his starts... My recovery will have to be with me for the rest of my life. It will have to stay with me to stay sane. I am realizing that healthy people tend to have these same life skills that I am just learning.

So here I am, committing to you, my dear internet friends, that I am back in the game. No more feeling sorry for myself. I don't want to go backwards, I am ready to go forwards. So, I am going to re-commit:

My number one priority is my dailies:

Self Care

Scripture Study,

Self Affirmations,

Boundaries,

and Scheduling.

These things keep me sane.

And these things will keep me healthy and strong, and keep me from going backwards.

Dear Future Sister-In-Law

Dear Future Sister-In-Law.

Hey. I'm sure we've already met, and if you're reading this, I'm sure you're struggling with the same struggles I am struggling with as I have been writing on this blog. I wanted to write and share where I am coming from, because I have a large role in my brother's porn story, and I don't want any hard feelings between us because of it. 

Being the oldest, and having only sisters closest to my age, we were all pretty naive about pornography. It was a scary word that I didn't quite get, but heard it was a problem among boys... but I thought that meant that it was only a problem among the rebels at school, not among the nice Mormon boys that I associated with. But as you now know, I married a nice Mormon boy, and I am learning that it is almost impossible to find one who has never ever had a problem with it. I count myself as lucky to have a husband who is as honest with me about it as he is. I am just setting the stage to where I come in on my brother's porn story.

You may already know, I am the person who first discovered the problem.We were up visiting my parents, and I needed something out of his room. Right before going in, I felt a rather odd and strong prompting to not knock before going in. I didn't see any images. I just saw saw my brother (I'm going to call him B for brother from here on out) on his phone with the same expression on his face that I had seen on my husband's face a million times- and my heart fell, it stopped. Honestly, before this happened, I had had some suspicions. You will learn, however, that when you have a significant other who struggles with a porn addiction, everybody suddenly seems a candidate for the same thing. Every man you see walking in the hall you think probably is addicted to porn, and every man who owns a smart phone, laptop, or tablet most definitely is. Great, right? So instead of acting on the suspicions I had revolving around my brother, I threw them away after having my mom ask him if he had a pornography problem, and hearing that he told her he didn't. 

Then, that day happened. It was right before church, and B was sick for the second week in a row and staying home from church, that it happened. I saw it, and I knew that I had three options: (1) deny that I saw it, it was so fast and fleeting, and I was so in shock that I hurried in and out and I could have told myself that it was my dang paranoid brain making things up... but that would be lying. (2) I could confront him much like I confronted my husband at the time, which was with hurt and anger, but I didn't really get anywhere with that strategy, so I opted for option number (3): Go tell mom. So I did. Right there, after church in the cultural hall, I pulled her into a quiet corner and told her because I couldn't wait anymore, it was killing me inside that my brother would have to go through this trial. We both cried, and I gave her advice as to therapy, and that this isn't something that just goes away, and she said that she would talk to dad and they would address it.

The next day, after my little family had gone home, I got a call from Mom, telling me that they had confronted my Brother, and that he had confessed that it was a problem, and that he wanted to take care of it. Before this had happened, we had seen a bit of a downhill in his behavior, you know, the typical addict: Lazy, Selfish, Irritable... the only problem is that those are also stereotypical behaviors for teenagers... so we didn't think any different about it. Mom and Dad put him into therapy, and we saw an intense transformation- He was helpful, thoughtful, and sweet, a whole new B. Therapy ended about 6 weeks later, and my family thought he was cured. My husband and I thought otherwise. I don't know if you know this or not by now, but this isn't something that just goes away and is "fixed." It just doesn't work like that, funny enough. It's a longitudinal addiction, and it takes longitudinal repairs and work. 

I'm sure you know the rest of the story, our stories should line up pretty nicely. But I wanted you to know that I am here for you, and I am thinking about you even now before I know even who you are. I love you already. I walked into his porn story when I myself was in a very high place of trauma from where my own husband was at, and I will admit that I panicked. I wish so many times that I had perhaps had the guts to talk to him after, to calmly come up with a different way to introduce it to my parents... but the past is gone, and honestly, I don't know what kind of a difference that would have made. I just want you to know that I did the absolute best I could when I was in that state of mind, and I want to be there for you if you ever get to that bad place. I love you already, girl!

Love,

Ashley