I've been kinda "lazy" lately. I'm doing all the behaviors that when I was in active recovery I would say are unhealthy, and not what makes me happy. I have been ignoring school. I have been blaming it on my job. I have been totally overwhelmed by this new change- and I shut down.
I have been watching movies at work instead of doing homework.
I have justified letting my schoolwork go because my boss doesn't seem to like to see me doing it at work.
I have so lackadaisical about my career/school goals.
I haven't cared why.
I started asking myself why I was even interested in being a dentist- my husband is doing so well in his career, and is starting to seriously pursue higher education. Alot of his recent success has come because of my sales coaching I have been giving him from my days as an "engagement ring specialist." I forgot how good I was. I have been asking myself why I don't just follow him and go into sales and business.
I was just asking myself these questions today at work after a long day of watching movies. I sincerely asked what was wrong with this new "path" that I was on- this one where we mostly lean on my husband's salary, and whatever I earn is extra that I can use towards whatever I want. It sounds like a dream.
And then the why hit me, why I can't live like this forever. I can't fully trust right now. I can't allow myself to be backed into a corner with only the "extra" money I earn to support my family. I have been too close to leaving to not set myself up for success on my own. I am starting to trust my husband, but I have no trust in the addiction, and I have seen first-hand what the addiction does to good people like my husband.
The other week, in an attempt to re-dedicate myself to my own future, I wrote a giant list of the reasons why I wanted to be a dentist, and all of them are true! I do love the hard sciences, I have always wanted to be in the health field, wearing scrubs to work truly does sound like heaven on earth! However, I didn't get the big giant reason that should have been written at the top with a bright red sharpie: Being a dentist is the ultimate single-mom job if I should ever have to follow through with any of the bottom lines that I have set to keep myself safe from an addiction outside of my control. I would control my own hours, I would be able to afford to help with my children's schooling and extra-curriculars that I feel are so important to a child's upbringing- all while finding self-fulfillment. That's the real reason staring me in the face- something that I have been in denial about for the last few months. It's hard to work hard at something when you are ignoring the reason why you are so motivated to do it!
Saying this could make some believe that I don't love my husband, and that I have one foot already outside of the door- but I can honestly say that is not true. I love my husband- but I don't fully trust him yet. And that's okay! It is so okay! In fact, it is wonderful to finally understand the difference. I don't know why but even through therapy, the two have always been intertwined in my mind- If I love my husband, I will trust him. But guys, I don't trust him! I believe that he is in an active emotional and personal journey, and that's awesome! I totally support him in that- but I need more than that- I need lonnng periods of sobriety to be able to even start down that path. And until then- I need to put myself in a place where I can feel the most safe- not a false safety like the denial I have been in lately, but in a safety where I am in control of nobody's actions but my own- a safety where I am happy with not only my choices, but the choices that I made before making those choices.
I have always been one who liked having the bumpers up at the bowling alley, a GPS when I'm in the middle of nowhere, and a harness when I rock climb. To me it's smart, and I feel way better about being adventurous when I do. So I'm going to embark on this adventure of staying where I am, but I sure as hell am going to harness up. And the first step of working towards a crazy hard goal is to say it outloud. The second step is to say it outloud to a group of people! So guys: I'm going to be a dentist by golly!!!
