Two days ago, my husband and I were celebrating our two year wedding anniversary. We went camping at a hotspring, which was really a fun time! There was a minute there, though where I became afraid that he was looking at some of the other women there who were wearing bikinis, and I couldn't stop thinking about it. I kept seeing him glance behind my shoulder, and in my mind, I knew that he was looking at other women. After a while, I couldn't help myself, I asked him "what are you looking at?" and man-oh-man did that set off a bomb. He answered saying he was just looking around at all of the different people, just like I was. I apologized for getting obsessive, and told him that I didn't know how to handle the situation I was in.
For the rest of the day, and most of the next day (which was our actual anniversary), I tried to forget it, and move on, however, my husband made biting little comments that hurt, but I couldn't put my finger on why I was feeling so hurt. I thought it was just my period.
Luckily, the day we got home, we had a porn group meeting, where our therapist was teaching us about the cycle porn addicts and their wives get into.
The addicts get triggered by something, which leads to them putting themselves into a situation in which they can act out, followed by actually acting out, which leads to shame. They then confess to their wives, which leads into a fear cycle in which we are always afraid of when the next bomb will be dropped on us, which leads us to obsess about it, which leads us to want to control the situation, and when we can't control it, we become ashamed and hurt ourselves, which leads back into the fear.
I realized that what I should have done is tried to reach out to someone else, and dumped my fears on them, rather than dumping it on my husband right at that moment. It is definitely ok to talk to him about it, but only when I have gotten most of the emotional side of things out of it. After I dumped it onto someone else, and if my husband is doing his work too and confessed that he had a hard time to someone else, we can then come together and logically talk out a way that we can both keep ourselves safe the next time that situation comes up.
It's definitely easier said than done, but practice is everything, and before I know it, it will become second nature.
Of course, here comes my reminder, self, to continue to take YOU time. I need my own personal scripture study and prayer to keep strong, along with personal activities that I enjoy and that make you feel good about yourself. The only person who can make me happy 100% of the time is ME because of the choices I make to let myself be happy.
