Seriously?

*Note: this may be a triggering post.*

I should have seen the signs- in fact, I did see the signs, and they stressed me out...

but I didn't know WHAT was stressing me out.

I thought it was the fact school was starting yesterday

and it was my first semester back to physical classes after 1 1/2 years,

Or that my baby is teething like mad,

Or that my house was a mess,

Or that I'm not organized like I want to be, 

Or that I really just wanted to be putting new upholstery on some yard sale chairs I got

Or a million other projects I have on the back burner...

But what was REALLY stressing me out was the fact that I was watching my husband slowly breaking his bottom lines

Starting with sitting just out of the way for me to see his screen

To going through his spam emails to "unsubscribe"

for two days straight.

Not normal.

It was his checkins at night- he "could still work on his spirituality each day"

that he "was struggling"

or "having a rough time"

Each time that was it, and I didn't see any improvements...

no efforts to change anything

It's like he KNEW it was coming, and was okay with it

And he did it, he slipped DESPITE the fact that it would hurt me so bad.

And to make matters worse, he waited to tell me.

He waited until I was driving him to group not an hour ago to drop the dang bomb.

No warning, just

"Ashley, I messed up today." (yep. thats my name.) The end. Nothing else.

I don't know how bad, or how long, or if our son was in the room,

or what. All I know is that I was at work for six hours, and that during that time he messed up.

He has the bottom line of not being on the computer if I'm not home.

And then some people at group started to "bookend" with him

And suddenly, it became okay for him to be at home alone with the open laptop.

Because he was "bookending"... or not. I don't know.

All I know is that I am pissed.

And I'm allowed to be. However, I also have the right to keep myself protected.

I have the right to detach from his addiction. And I will. I am working on not letting myself get caught up in his failures and progress. I am sure he wants me to be happy because this is the longest he has ever gone since the addiction started. I am not happy, nor do I have to be happy about it. He had a slip, it hurt, and now I have to lick my wounds, and allow them to heal.

No matter how many times I WISH it was the last time he confesses that he had another slip, I have no control over that. I do have control over what I can do to safeguard, protect, shield, fortify and look after Teddy and I's needs, and if something doesn't change, I am sensing something drastic in the air. For my own peace of mind.

I am working to stay close to my heavenly father so that I can be guided to who I need talk to, what I need to do, and let him mold me into the person he knows I can be. That way, when/if the time comes that I am guided to maybe do something drastic, I will feel at peace about my decision, no matter how hard it may be.

Here's the situation

I learned recently that Triggers don't have to be a sensory experience- they can be situational too. I didn't really understand exactly how that worked until I went to the pool with my little boy on Saturday. At first, I thought I would be anxious because of all the bikini teens hanging out wanting to impress the  tweeny bopper boys. But I wasn't. I've been trying to figure out why, and I think it's because my husband wasn't there with us. So, it seems, in my case, I usually only get triggered when I am around both a visual stimulus (billboards/beach babes/runners) when my husband is around- if he's not, I don't even seem to notice them- kind of like when I was single and didn't know him yet or know really anything about sexual addiction.

I realized that I am VERY hypersensitive whenever he is around- always watching who/what is around to trigger him, and then I become a hovercraft, just waiting to see him look twice. Like I did here.

SOOO, I am here writing on my blog, and adding a new bottom line- cue the fanfare. So here is my new bottom line and bill of right to go with it:

I have the right to be around my husband in public without being afraid of getting hurt.

If I am out in public with my husband, and start to feel myself obsessing about who/what could be around to trigger him, I will remove myself from the situation, and call a group member. Then, once we get home, I will do 1 item from my self care list, so that I can re-fill my emotional bucket.

Now, that wasn't so hard! Well... writing it wasn't so hard, I am going to work extra hard this week to implement it, and I will report my progress back to this little blog of mine. 

Baffled

So, the last few days, I have been feeling really really overwhelmed. J seems to have had an epiphany about how this addiction has affected our relationship, and our family, and he has vowed to put me first above all of his other priorities (besides the gospel). He has been... how should I put it?... nice, very nice, and sincere, and lovey-dovey. And I am not used to it. I had been soaking it up for a day and a half, when last night, it was just too much for me! Before, he had gone on little sprees of being nice, but they lasted 12 hours max. And here it was, 48 hours later, and he was telling me that he was going to be treating me like a queen from there on out. He said everything right, and kissed the bottom of my toe when I was sitting on the ground, not expecting it. 

I don't know what happened, but internally, I exploded. I didn't know what to think/feel/do/say- I needed some space. I was feeling smothered, and over-loved, and I was bamboozled. Mind blown. (maybe it comes across in my writing, but I am still trying to wrap my brain around what is going on.) Is this recovery? He seems so sincere- he's reading his scriptures, talking about therapy and recovery all the time, talks about practicing mindfulness, boundaries, implementing family prayers and scriptures, and couple prayers... WHAT is going on? I know that i should be grateful and happy and thankful, and to some extent I do, but the overall feeling that I am feeling about the whole situation could be classified (as near as I can put into words) as Frustration/Confusion/Perhaps a little bit of anger. Animosity. 

I guess this is where my recovery comes in, but I didn't realize that I needed to do extra self care, and be extra diligent about my dailies when my husband shows promising signs of recovery, and a huge leap in respect towards me. I thought I could take a break when that happened- not work as hard. I guess the intensity of it makes me throw my walls up even higher, because now that I have experienced what it could be like without the addiction in our marriage, I am afraid of going back. It has only been a month or so since the last slip, but I feel like so much time has passed, and so much progress has been made- I don't want to go back to that despair I felt when he told me about that last slip a month ago- especially after seeing how sweet and thoughtful of a husband I really have underneath the cloudiness of the addict.

I have decided not to force it, and to let my self naturally start to accept that this is my new life (hopefully?). I have decided to let J prove that he is changing. I have decided to watch and see what happens, and be okay with my life the way it plays out. I have decided to continue to fill my personal bucket with extra scripture study, prayers, and self care, so that during this emotionally draining times, I will not be in want of strength. I have decided to accept the caring actions and words from my husband, and to let myself believe that I am worthy of having a good husband. 

It's going to hard. It's good for him to be feeling giddy and in love with me- that's how it's supposed to be, I mean look at Elder Holland, he said in this conference talk about him and Sister Holland: 

"True love we are absolutely giddy about—as I am about Sister Holland; we shout it from the housetops."

They're living the dream. I want to get to that point too, because that's true love. I'm not there yet, because I have been injured, and I need time and work to heal, but I have faith that I can once again feel this way about my husband.

Triggered.

Man, it's so hard to want to write when you are feeling triggered. But I realized that it's better to write, because it doesn't allow those emotions to bottle up.

We met up with my husband at the lake yesterday. As we pulled up to the lake, I saw a bunch of young peeps playing soccer- all of the girls wearing bikinis. ugh. Instantly triggered. I didn't say anything until I we got to the chairs, pretty close to where they were playing. I saw my husband do a double take and stare a little longer the second time, and I went from being triggered to wanting control. I snapped my fingers at him, and told him that I wanted his attention, and that I was feeling triggered. He went into victim mode, and told me that he would just go to the car and look at the ground the whole time (manipulation/ victim mode). I said fine, and away he went. Later I apologized for snapping, but I didn't apologize for voicing my emotions, I am really glad that I did. 

I am also really glad that I am able to have a therapist that I can talk out situations like this for, and a husband that (once removed from the situation and a little down the road) I can talk to about how we can both improve.

We decided that next time, I am going to voice my emotions, and then reach out. Then, if I feel like he is still looking or dwelling or fantasizing, I am just going to leave. Distance myself from him. He then said that if he notices me distancing myself, he will analyze and come and reconnect with me- sounds like a good plan! I really hope it works out :)

I found a scripture I really liked- Ezekiel 18 31-32. In it, he talks about making a new heart and a new spirit- I like that, because I really feel like I am building a new heart and a new spirit through my healing. 

Observations

I feel like my whole life revolves around pornography and sexual addiction. I'm glad, because I think the Lord is blessing me to learn from other people's stories, and to gain new perspectives. However, sometimes it's nice just to have a place where you can escape it for a little while, and that's just what my work is for me. I love being able to get away and detach for a bit.

However, about a month ago, I discovered a magazine with a page with pornographic material that had a bookmark put into it. I knew exactly who had been looking at it, and kind of took to watching him, just to see it from an outsiders perspective looking in- and I gained some pretty interesting insights: He never looks me or any woman in the eye really, if he does, it's really quick like REALLY quick. Also, I have had multiple conversations about my husband's career/scholastic goals, along with his scholastic/career goals, and he doesn't "think too much" about the future. He also has never asked about mine- even though I've been dying to tell him that I want to help women who's husbands suffer from a sexual addiction. I want to see his reaction... anyway, that's a different topic.

Today, I learned that he his married! I had no idea, and wowza, that brought up a whole new bout of emotions. I wanted to give him my phone number to give to her so she could call me whenever she needed me. SO BAD. I really had to suppress that one- because what would I say- "hey, I know you were looking at porn, and if this is a habit, could you please give your wife my phone number?" nope. couldn't do that. I really really wanted to reach out to her for whatever reason, and there wasn't anything I could do about it. Also, it really bothered me that he didn't wear his ring to work- like ever. I've worked there for a year, and have never known that he was married, and he had been married the whole time! I don't know his story, but It's been an interesting experience.

Been doing good on dailies and boundaries, pretty proud of myself! I'm off to play with my baby! Much love!

Thoughts on Faith

I went to group last night, and it was pretty great for me. The cute ladies there are so good. They are all struggling, but it's so therapeutic to be there for other people- maybe especially for women. By listening to other people's stories, it's amazing to realize that I am helping shoulder a huge burden for them, but it doesn't really add to my burden, in fact, it lightens it. Crazy how that works. 

When I think back to how scared I was when I first thought about going to a group, and having other people know about this, I am so grateful for how far I have come. There is no way that I could have shouldered this burden alone and grown as much as I have. I did it for a year, and I got nowhere. I thought I was moving forward, but really I was letting emotional pressure build up... and I would have exploded. Literally. And no one would have seen it coming- probably not even me, because I thought I was doing fine. 

I hope one day these amazing, strong ladies will realize how much they have helped me just by being there. I hope one day you, dear reader, will realize how you coming to my page motivates me to continue to express myself on my blog. It's only been a few months, but this has helped me accelerate my recovery. It's been amazing. 

Today, I chose to focus on Faith as I go through the Young Women values in the personal progress section. I chose to do a personalized value experience today.

I read the talk "This, The Greatest of Dispensations" by Jeffery R. Holland. It's an amazing talk for anyone going through struggles like ours. He talks about all of the scary things in the world, and how sometimes it feels like we can't escape all of the terrible things in the world, He talks about living through faith instead of fear. 

My personal fear is that even if/when my husband overcomes his addiction and we move a little bit down the road, he will be triggered by everyday things around him- billboards, signs, flyers, coupons, you name it and fall into another full on relapse. But I realize that that's why we are in counseling right now- He is obtaining the skills to re-route any thoughts that may come into his mind into something good. I have faith that with these skills and a loving Heavenly Father guiding us through this process, as long as we stay close to him, we will be okay- no, we will be more than okay, because we will be on the path that Heavenly Father wants us to be on.

Also, I realize that even if that happens, I can live in faith and not be traumatized again by my fears. 

Here is my favorite part of the talk (it really applied to my situation):

"Have Faith, Not Fear

I have just two things to say to you who are troubled about the future. I say them lovingly and from my heart.

First, we must never let fear and the father of fear (Satan himself) divert us from our faith and faithful living. Every person in every era has had to walk by faith into what has always been some uncertainty. This is the plan. Just be faithful. God is in charge. He knows your name and He knows your need.

Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ—that is the first principle of the gospel. We must go forward. God expects you to have enough faith, determination, and trust in Him to keep moving, keep living, keep rejoicing. He expects you not simply to face the future; He expects you to embrace and shape the future—to love it, rejoice in it, and delight in your opportunities.

God is eagerly waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has. But He can’t if you don’t pray, and He can’t if you don’t dream. In short, He can’t if you don’t believe."

- Jeffery R. Holland

It's me again! The part that really got me is where he talks about the future. It's so hard for me to actually look to the future, because if I'm being 100% honest with myself, I don't know exactly where I'm going to be. But something that I realized while reading that little paragraph is that even if I don't know where I'm going to be, I know that if I live in faith and stay out of fear, I will be exactly where my Father in Heaven wants me to be... which is the goal anyway, right? I just need to take that step into the dark, which means not limiting myself. I need to keep on writing my thesis (even though I really don't want to sometimes) and getting good grades (obviously I'm a student), so I can get into grad school. I need to focus on being in the moment and having healthy ways of thinking and stop pushing off thoughts of the future to "whatever happens, happens" kind of thinking. That's what gets me into trouble, thats where I hurt myself. I need to invest in the future- right now that is how I live in faith, and not in fear. Because

"God is eagerly waiting for the chance to answer my prayers and fulfill my dreams, just as He always has. But He can’t if I don’t pray, and He can’t if I don’t dream. In short, He can’t if I don’t believe."

I'm gonna work on that, Jeffery.

I am a child of God.

I think one of the things that it is so easy to lose track of is the fact that I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me. Sometimes I forget that the whole reason why I am here is because I want to be just like him when I "grow up." I forget that I am here so that I may become like him (and my heavenly mother), and I can. I am a Goddess in Training. Right now, training sucks. There's no way around that fact, though, and this is the obstacle that I need to overcome in order to help me become the best I can. 

I caught J browsing around on my phone, which doesn't have a lock on it and hasn't been a problem up until now. I can't even begin to tell you how violating that felt- I don't know why, but I guess it was just the fact that he was using my phone to get his fix. Before that, he had spent a lot of time explaining to me that he never lusted after me or my body. I guess he got kind of hung up on the bottom line that I set. So, finally, he convinced me that I was his "quirky, cute, fun, beautiful wife... and that he just laughs when I think I'm being sexy," (because lets be honest, we both know that it's totally awkward, and I am 100% totally okay with that) Anyway, after he finally convinced me that I was in no danger in being lusted after, he proceeds to go and use my phone to find someone to lust after. Man! Talk about making a girl feel like she's not enough.

And so I go to my knees for the millionth time, and I ask God what I am supposed to learn from all of this heartbreak, and you know what he tells me? That I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me, and I love him. That I promised that I will stand as a witness for him at all times, and in all things, and in all places, as I strive to live certain values which are Faith, Divine Nature, Individual Worth, Knowledge, Choice and Accountability, Good Works, and Integrity. He reminds me that I BELIEVE that as I come to accept and live these values that I will BE PREPARED to strengthen my broken home and family, to keep the sacred covenants I made in the temple and finally I will be prepared to ENJOY the blessing of exaltation. 

Que the water works.

Just in case you didn't know, that was the young women theme, slightly modified to fit where I am personally in life- and it STILL applies! This dang addiction/ co-dependancy wants me to forget one or more of the values that I believe in and strive to live daily. I think that it is very fitting that there are two very similar values listed: Divine Nature and Individual Worth- Two qualities that go hand in hand and that women everywhere forget on almost a daily basis. 

So, Fellow Goddesses in Training... I am going to tell you what I am going to do (Get ready, it's big): I am going to work my personal progress book again! I need it, and that's what it is there for, I mean it's right there on my phone waiting for me to realize that I am in desperate need of some hardcore training! Think about it, It was designed for women who are going through a rough time in their lives (no one can say that the teenage years were easy) so that they can come out on top! So I'm going to be doing them as part of my dailies/self-care and report back to you how it is going! Hey, and feel free to join me, and let me know how it's going! I would love to hear! :) I pray for you (both wives and addicts) every day and every night.

P.S. You probably noticed that I changed my page a bit. I didn't like the title "memoirs of the noble... I don't feel noble yet, and felt hypocritical every time I read it. I chose Memoirs of a Goddess in Training to remind me of life's purpose, and to remind me that life is but a short moment, just like training usually is, but that if you endure to the end, you always come out on top. I chose Goddess as the type of training because it reminds me of my divine potential. Mmm Mmm, I love this blog! I always leave feeling so much better than when I came :)