Side effect of being a WoPA: Memory Loss?

I was looking through the book today, and there is a place for you to write your story. Here's what it said:
"I had been dating this guy off and on and things were on the upswing, and were starting to get more serious. I had moved home because I felt I should, and because I had gotten out of a bad relationship from a different guy. It was pretty expected that when I moved back for school that I would start dating the first guy again. Then I met J. I guess I just like a project now and then. So I chose him over the first guy. I loved him too- I didn't just choose him because I felt like he was a project. We worked through issues, got married in the temple. A few months later, he relapsed. It was hell. I seriously considered leaving. Then I found out I was pregnant. That made me feel trapped. J has really stepped itup since then. Starting to go to group meetings and invited me to go to a spouse support group. It was the hardest thing but I did it. It has helped so much. Counseling has helped even more."

Then I read my (much longer) story that I wrote on this blog, here.

It had an interesting effect on me... I had forgotten a lot of the hell that I had gone through. I don't know why, I guess my mind sort of started blocking it out? I have no idea. When I look back at the time we were engaged, I don't remember much of the bad at all. I pretty much only remember the good. I feel like I have completely blocked out my entire first year of marriage, and I don't remember much of my pregnancy.

But then again, I don't sit and dwell on those times like I used to. During my pregnancy I would sit and just remember all the crap that I had gone through the previous year, and try and decide if it was worth it to try to do it alone if that was going to be how it was when I had a child. Then I got too busy with my son, school, and baby blues to try to think about that year anymore. 

And then I went to therapy/women's support group through the church, and I started the change my life from there on out...

Don't get me wrong, I still have flashbacks, a real life side-effect of being a WoPA- a characteristic that supports the theory that being a WoPA can trigger PTSD. These flashbacks usually hit me when I am least expecting it, and vary in degrees of realness. In fact, I had one last night when my hubby tried to cuddle me in bed. Flashbacks to the Hell of the first year of marriage can come crashing into my head, and I have to ask for some space, and do some mega recovery work like praying, mindfulness, and reaching out. It's awesome.

But when people ask how Jase and I met, or anything about the engagement, or how our first year of marriage went, I really can only give blanket statements like "The first year was really hard" or "Our engagement brought me closer to the savior and I became a better person during that time." If anyone (heaven forbid) ever asks for a specific story from that time period, though, I can only think of a few short memories:

Engagement: We created an elaborate game to play on my husbands competitiveness to keep us reading scriptures and getting us to the temple for a temple marriage. 

He asked me if I would be able to match his sex drive, and I was determined to be equal to the task

My dad said that if I "wasn't stingy" that the addiction would go away.

The engagement itself was low-key, and J was pretty grumpy because he thought I knew it was coming

Losing contact with everyone except my family, and not even all of my family. Mostly just talked with my mom and dad.

1st year of marriage: Fighting and storming out of the house saying I was leaving him, and then making it to the car and coming back in because I thought he was looking at porn

Him throwing away a bag of my stuff because he thought it was crap- and I am pretty sure that my Teddy Bear from childhood was in there.

Him throwing me up against the washer/dryer because he was mad at me for something 

Him bringing home a soccer ball and matching shirts to go play in the park for FHE

His brother coming over and cooking us dinner all the time

That is all I really have memory-wise for a year and a half of my life! So honestly, if I had to go and write my story now, it would be really really really hard! Like I would have to sit down and do just that probably for a whole week for me to be able to really be able to remember what happened back then. So I am so glad that I wrote my story when it was still fresh in my mind. I can read it, and it all starts to come back to me.

 I have never told anyone that before, so here is what I want to know: has anyone else had this happen too? It only seems to happen with things related to porn, so I am really curious to see if any other WoPAs have experienced this too.

Much love!

Self image take two

I found my lifestar workbooks. It's so crazy going back and looking at them... It's so crazy how far I have come! It's incredible. I can only hope that I can grow equally as much if I can go through them again.

The part that I went over today went over self-image. 

In my book I wrote about how I felt like I was unworthy when I would get covenant eyes reports, or would walk by popular lingerie stores and know that I didn't measure up. Guys: I don't get covenant eyes reports anymore (btw, I would never ever suggest that the wife be the accountability partner, it breeds the fear cycle in the wife- setting a bottom line around that was one of the best things I ever did for my recovery), and while I still feel resentment to lingerie stores, I don't compare myself to that standard anymore! 

So what do I feel bad or unworthy about now? How I use my time! I have literally 6 hours a day at work now that it is slow that I could be doing anything with my time, and I use it to watch shows on Hulu.  I want to be better, and I am slowly working on getting there- hence this blog! Baby steps! 

How did I used to cope with these things that made me feel bad or unworthy? I would go over the top to get praise from other people- as if compliments for other people would prove that I was worth something! 

I am working (and so far succeeding) at no longer being a people pleaser! I try hard to be real with people around me. I still have some work to do-specifically with authority figures, but with my peers, I feel like I'm doing a pretty good job and being at peace with who I am, what I think, my opinions, my likes, my dislikes.  Even if they are sort of quirky or weird! It's who I am, and I love me so much more now than I ever did then.

Crazy.

He learned the hard way... like I did.

Last night the addict in my husband was on top of his game- the blame game to be exact.

I couldn't do anything the right way, and because of it I was walking on egg shells around him- which really started to piss me off, haha! So I took a deep breath, did a little self care by playing with my little, and simply started doing my own thing, while he sulked and looked at ski gear.

So I started decorating my parent's house for christmas with my sister, and it was awesome! A few hours later, it was time to go pick up his car. So we hopped in my car and it was back to the blame game, and it got pretty tense. But all along, I had it in the back of my mind that this is what they call addict mode. "None of this is necessarily my fault," I thought, "Because I am being blamed for everything that could go wrong in his life, my husband is definitely using blame as a deflection tool."

During a lull in the conversation I said this "J, I feel a lot of blame coming my way, and I can't help but feel like it's covering a bigger issue here. Can we please cut through all of this and just talk about the bigger issue?" And after a little bit of a surprised silence, he came right out and told me that he had acted out earlier that day while I was in church.

Silence.

 What is a good thing to say at that point? Up until then, I was able to let all the blame roll off my back, but then it all comes rushing back when it comes to acting out. Maybe if I hadn't stressed him out this way or that it wouldn't have come to this.... but that was briefly lived. I have been doing this long enough for me to know that it is not my job to make his life less stressful so he won't act out.

It is my job to do my work, and it is his job to do his. Fortunately he called a group member and came to the same conclusion. 

It wasn't until this morning that I was able to look at this situation with new eyes- I had my incredible "AHAH" moment last week, when I caught myself going back into co-dependent mode, and realized that my recovery has to be an every day thing... and J had the same realization last night. I am not grateful for the kind of wake up call it is, but I am grateful that we are at least on the same page recovery wise again (hopefully), and I am grateful that we both took away from our individual recovery pitfalls the same lesson.

There is a bigger plan out there for each of us people, and a master planner, and he knows what he is doing.

Aftermath

So I am really proud of myself. 

I stuck to my bill of rights and my boundaries!! I went down and talked to him and presented my dilemma I was having... I did GREAT work.

That being said: I realized that the next step is to have an "if then" statement that could help keep myself without investing in my husbands recovery... I basically went down there with my dilemma wanting him to solve it for me... Which he did, but it made him feel controlled by me.

And I felt like I was being semi-controlling! I hate feeling like that. So I really had to analyze the WHY and the WHAT. Why I was feeling unsafe, and what I was afraid of. It ended up being that I was afraid of being woken up and being told that he had acted out. I also didn't want to wake up in the morning and first thing have that be what I hear. So my "if then" statement is this: If I am trying to sleep but cant because I am afraid I will be awakened to a confession, then I will ask him to sleep somewhere else so that I have some time to myself to prepare myself and sleep without fear.

That puts the recovery ball back in his court. He knows where I stand, but he also knows that I don't want to control him. I know that he knows where I stand, and my confidence in my own recovery grows stronger. It's a win-win!

It's hard going from full support for little things like this in therapy to being thrown into real life again. I feel like I learned how to walk with crutches, and then with a walking boot, and without either I have to re-teach my muscles how to walk without them. 

Stupid fear

It's weird writing on this thing everyday, as I actually get to talk about things that happen in the moment. For example: right now I am in bed about to go to sleep, but can't because my hubby said he would be up here with me in a second. I know he is on his new kindle. I know that he had me disable parental controls and turn on the browser and hasn't had me turn it off. I know I can't live out of fear but I also can't sleep. 

Then I remembered my blog and that I hadn't posted yet today! It's the perfect place to talk out this fear. 

Two things that I need to recognize: first that I have the right to not be afraid that porn is going to be in my home. Second, that acting out of fear only breeds more fear. 

What are my options?

I can go downstairs and confront him.

I can sit upstairs until he finally comes up to bed and confront him.

I can take a sleeping pill to force myself to go to sleep and talk about it in the morning.

I can ignore it and wait to see what he does about it.

My bottom line is that I will not invest inmt husbands recovery, that his work is his work. I also have listed the right to feel safe from porn in my home. I think I will go down and have a talk about the dilemma I am having and hear his input. That way I stick to both my right and bottom line. 

Feedback

I am working on digging up my workbooks so that I can work on them... but I was watching a few sick kids today, so it made it a little rough...

That being said, however,

I did end up talking to a dear WoPA friend on the phone today, and it was a HUGE breath of fresh air to hear her being real, and talking about issues that I can totally relate to. After I got off the phone, I got to thinking, and I realized that for a lot of people, this is their outlet. This blog world of Wopa peeps are where we go for validation, and to finally see people around us with problems that we can relate to!

So I was wondering: would any of you feel comfortable commenting on this post about something that you are going through, something hard, that you feel like nobody can relate to? Even if it's not WoPA related, I would love to hear it. It is so refreshing and bonding, and I love it.

Any takers?

What to say?

So I was thinking about this whole recovery thing today. It's hard. It's hard to maintain focus on it. It's hard to remember why you are doing it, because all you really want to do is forget that it even ever happened. 

I feel like when I right these days, it's like that voiceover that happens at the end of movies when the main character is wrapping up and talking about how all the events have helped her/him to be a better person. Like the end of a story.

But I don't want this to be the end of my recovery story. Sure my husband is doing better, but I am really missing all of that tremendous growth that I would see in myself on almost a daily basis. Why has moving to a different town put a halt to that? How do I change this?

I don't know the answers to those questions. 

However.

Looking back to when I was having all of this tremendous growth, do you know what the best days were for me? The days I did book work in Lifestar! 

So. Now that I am going to be using this blog on a daily basis, I think I am going to use it as motivation to work my way through the books again.... I won't write down anything word for word, mostly just talk about how the work is helping me in my day to day life!

Oooo!! I am so excited! I have been wondering what on earth I would write about if I was going to write every day this year... So I am so happy to have a bit of a plan at least! 

Until Next time!