They say you'll know

They say you'll know when your husband enters true recovery....

Well, for the first time, I know.

And knowing has made me bitter.

And admitting this has made me realize why my OWN recovery is so important.

Because we rely so much on our husbands recovery.

I was doing so great at my own recovery that I was completely blindsided to listen to my husband one day, and realize that all he really talked about was recovery.

It has become his life,

and even on his bad days, it has become his lifeline.
He's even starting up his own SA group...
It's awesome!

It's also weird.

I thought that I had come to this point where I was okay with my life the way it was, I had accepted it.

FACT- My husband was a recovering porn addict. 

FACT- I have tools that can keep me safe, and I know how to use them

FACT- I don't know how to transition into thinking that I may one day actually be expected to start trusting him again.

FACT- I have gotten so good at protecting myself from the hurt in healthy ways, that I don't know what to do when he isn't being ruled by the addiction completely.

So I stopped doing recovery work for the last week.

I haven't wanted to face it.

I started numbing myself with stupid t.v. marathons...

and I have been watching what I have been working for go down the drain:

No more self care

Scripture study is gone-zo

My house, which I had finally gotten to a manageable state is in absolute shambles

I have been skipping classes (Isolation)

It's been a rough go.

But I'm doing the hard thing right now, and I'm owning it, facing it head on, and finally, I am going to do something about it. My recovery doesn't stop as soon as his starts... My recovery will have to be with me for the rest of my life. It will have to stay with me to stay sane. I am realizing that healthy people tend to have these same life skills that I am just learning.

So here I am, committing to you, my dear internet friends, that I am back in the game. No more feeling sorry for myself. I don't want to go backwards, I am ready to go forwards. So, I am going to re-commit:

My number one priority is my dailies:

Self Care

Scripture Study,

Self Affirmations,

Boundaries,

and Scheduling.

These things keep me sane.

And these things will keep me healthy and strong, and keep me from going backwards.

Dear Future Sister-In-Law

Dear Future Sister-In-Law.

Hey. I'm sure we've already met, and if you're reading this, I'm sure you're struggling with the same struggles I am struggling with as I have been writing on this blog. I wanted to write and share where I am coming from, because I have a large role in my brother's porn story, and I don't want any hard feelings between us because of it. 

Being the oldest, and having only sisters closest to my age, we were all pretty naive about pornography. It was a scary word that I didn't quite get, but heard it was a problem among boys... but I thought that meant that it was only a problem among the rebels at school, not among the nice Mormon boys that I associated with. But as you now know, I married a nice Mormon boy, and I am learning that it is almost impossible to find one who has never ever had a problem with it. I count myself as lucky to have a husband who is as honest with me about it as he is. I am just setting the stage to where I come in on my brother's porn story.

You may already know, I am the person who first discovered the problem.We were up visiting my parents, and I needed something out of his room. Right before going in, I felt a rather odd and strong prompting to not knock before going in. I didn't see any images. I just saw saw my brother (I'm going to call him B for brother from here on out) on his phone with the same expression on his face that I had seen on my husband's face a million times- and my heart fell, it stopped. Honestly, before this happened, I had had some suspicions. You will learn, however, that when you have a significant other who struggles with a porn addiction, everybody suddenly seems a candidate for the same thing. Every man you see walking in the hall you think probably is addicted to porn, and every man who owns a smart phone, laptop, or tablet most definitely is. Great, right? So instead of acting on the suspicions I had revolving around my brother, I threw them away after having my mom ask him if he had a pornography problem, and hearing that he told her he didn't. 

Then, that day happened. It was right before church, and B was sick for the second week in a row and staying home from church, that it happened. I saw it, and I knew that I had three options: (1) deny that I saw it, it was so fast and fleeting, and I was so in shock that I hurried in and out and I could have told myself that it was my dang paranoid brain making things up... but that would be lying. (2) I could confront him much like I confronted my husband at the time, which was with hurt and anger, but I didn't really get anywhere with that strategy, so I opted for option number (3): Go tell mom. So I did. Right there, after church in the cultural hall, I pulled her into a quiet corner and told her because I couldn't wait anymore, it was killing me inside that my brother would have to go through this trial. We both cried, and I gave her advice as to therapy, and that this isn't something that just goes away, and she said that she would talk to dad and they would address it.

The next day, after my little family had gone home, I got a call from Mom, telling me that they had confronted my Brother, and that he had confessed that it was a problem, and that he wanted to take care of it. Before this had happened, we had seen a bit of a downhill in his behavior, you know, the typical addict: Lazy, Selfish, Irritable... the only problem is that those are also stereotypical behaviors for teenagers... so we didn't think any different about it. Mom and Dad put him into therapy, and we saw an intense transformation- He was helpful, thoughtful, and sweet, a whole new B. Therapy ended about 6 weeks later, and my family thought he was cured. My husband and I thought otherwise. I don't know if you know this or not by now, but this isn't something that just goes away and is "fixed." It just doesn't work like that, funny enough. It's a longitudinal addiction, and it takes longitudinal repairs and work. 

I'm sure you know the rest of the story, our stories should line up pretty nicely. But I wanted you to know that I am here for you, and I am thinking about you even now before I know even who you are. I love you already. I walked into his porn story when I myself was in a very high place of trauma from where my own husband was at, and I will admit that I panicked. I wish so many times that I had perhaps had the guts to talk to him after, to calmly come up with a different way to introduce it to my parents... but the past is gone, and honestly, I don't know what kind of a difference that would have made. I just want you to know that I did the absolute best I could when I was in that state of mind, and I want to be there for you if you ever get to that bad place. I love you already, girl!

Love,

Ashley

The most awkward person alive.

Dear world:

I am the most awkward person alive right now. Seriously,  the most awkward person ever. I don't like it. I don't know how to change it. I feel like the very social person that I used to be existed in another life. As egotistical as it sounds, I prided myself on my witty comments I could make on the turn of a dime. I could turn a conversation any which way I wanted. While conversation topics were pretty superficial, I enjoyed talking to people. A lot. And I miss that. I miss being able to effortlessly begin and end a conversation, and I miss knowing that I am entertaining whomever I am talking to rather than putting them to sleep. I can't seem to have conversations without having seriously the MOST AWKWARD silences these days. And it's like Old Ashley is looking out at the awkwardness and cringing. I recognize it, but I don't know what to do about it. I feel like a statue. It's weird because in the moment, I am searching for something to say- any old weather comment, SOMETHING. But nothing comes to mind. Gone is the quick thinking brain of before, and I don't know where it went. Part of me wants to blame it on the addiction, but I don't know if anybody else out there has had anything like this happen to them. 

My husband thinks that it is just that we aren't serving people enough, that we need to go talk to more people and it will go away. I think he may be partly right, but I don't think that's all of it. The hard part is that I don't want to talk about the addiction anymore. I want to move on with my life. Geez, I want to feel safe in my own home and invite people over and laugh over an apple cider. Doesn't that sound fantastic? I want to play a board game without getting a look of sympathy or a "how are you really doing?" before it starts. I want to have inside jokes again. I crave normality. When I hear the neighbors around me laughing and joking around, I wonder if I'll ever get that back again? We really are trying, we are doing our best to get out of the house and talk to people. We are just getting more awkward, though. We had dinner next door to our apartment with two other couples the other week, and the whole time, it was polite and interesting conversation with some occasional awkward pauses. We had to leave early to get our son to bed and after we left, I started hearing laughing and joking coming from over there, and when that happens, it's hard to feel like you're not the ones holding the party back.

While it is truly rewarding, and I definitely wouldn't consider switching a social life for the beautiful and excruciating work that we are doing, going through recovery is seriously the worst thing that I could have done to my social life. Our friends that know don't really associate with us anymore (not that we make any more of an effort to socialize back) and friends that don't know about the addiction seem to be keeping their distance. I think that I am getting so good at communicating on a deeper level to group members, that my brain isn't wired to automatically do the whole small-talk thing automatically. I literally have to sit there and think for about 2 minutes to come up with some witty remark that I can insert to the conversation- and by that time the conversation has moved on. I am hoping this is just a phase. PLEASE please pray that this just be a phase.... Amen. What do you think? Is this just a part of recovery work? I sure hope I'm not crazy. :) 

Thanks for hearing me out, internet friends, good to know you are there.

Ashley Out.

Thanksgiving Triggers

I decorated my christmas tree today- we went up into the mountains and cut down our own this year, it was... interesting. We went down to my parent's home, and I enjoyed the time that I had with my husband and son, but the rest of my family was out of sorts. My dad lost his job three months ago, and things are starting to get tight, I think in order to save money, my sweet mom may have started cutting her depression pills in half, and on top of it, my little sister and her two children are living with them, my little brother is dealing with his own pornography addiction and working towards a mission that he already has a call for... needless to say, tension is high.

While there I discovered another trigger, and I don't know how I can fix it- maybe talking it out on here I will be able to figure it out, or get some advice from other people who have gone through something similar? 

While we were at my parent's house, I was triggered multiple times, and I took it out on my hubby, thinking that it was just that he wasn't talking to me about recovery enough... (which was sort of valid, he didn't talk about it as much, but it is pretty hard to find time to reassure me when we are surrounded by family.) and I did have an experience with him there, I caught him watching T.V. alone while I was putting our son down for a nap, and a little bit after a scandy lady came on, and I was pretty triggered by that... but I talked to group members, and I took care of that.

But what the real issue that is bothering me is that I am triggered when I see my brother. I am the one who caught him when his porn addiction came to light. Since then, he has gone to therapy. But that is it, and there is no more support besides his bishop and my parents. Over Thanksgiving Break, he was in total addict behavior- rude, selfish, lazy, and it was like watching my husband two years ago (his low) all over again. My brother would sit on the couch and numb himself all day- saying he was watching mormon comedy, but he had the screen hidden so that no one could really see what he was doing- Just like my husband did. He was sitting in the exact place on the couch where my husband had slipped time and time again. If he wasn't on his phone, he was numbing himself watching T.V. He was defensive, annoyed and angry if anyone interrupted him. He avoided family activities so he could stay home alone- like my husband did. My grandma mentioned how proud she was of his mission call, and he couldn't look at her- much like how my husband would look if I mentioned how grateful I was that I could ask him to give me a blessing at anytime. I was triggered, and I was annoyed with my husband the whole time I was there.

It wasn't until I got home that I realized exactly what I was triggered by, but now I don't know how to handle taking care of it. With my husband, I can tell him what behavior is triggering me, but I don't feel like I have the right to say that to my brother. My parent's are still not very educated about it, and very much in denial- I am afraid if I were to say something that our whole family dynamic would be thrown off. The only thing I can think of doing to keep myself safe is (1) lots of self-care while I am visiting there, which is virtually impossible or (2) avoid going home- which makes me sad to think about having to do.

Any ideas? Advice is welcome.

Stirrings

I'm a little scatterbrained today, so I thought I would share a little bit about the things that have been on my mind the last few days:

First, I'll update the Bishop situation: He just called us in to tell us that he feels that we should go back to activities we had done when we were dating/engaged, and fall back in love using the same dates that we fell in love doing before. It's actually been really good for us, we haven't watched as many shows as we used to right before going to bed, and we've been pulling the games off the shelf and blowing off the dust- It's been really bonding. We also have become a little less strict with bedtime and our boy, we figure that we are in college and young still, and he is a college baby, let's live (reasonably- we still try to be home by 10, which would have seemed so weird back when we didn't have a baby) and enjoy living. It's been pretty awesome, we've gone to concerts, ballgames, and a lot of other fun activities. It's a little harder to be isolated when you're out being reminded that the world is still spinning.

Okay, now on to what's on my mind

The reason why I chose the word "stirrings" as a title for this post is because of that feeling I am starting to sense in the air- the winds of change are blowing. I am getting a new sister-in-law in a few months, we are going off to who knows where for law school this fall, we are finishing up phase 2 of the lifestar program, and I have no idea where we are going to go from there- if we will start over with a new phase 2 now that my husband is becoming more committed to be sober at the end of the program, or if we will continue on to phase 3- which is supposed to be a hard phase where you dig into the roots of the problem..., my baby is turning into a talking toddler, and that's a huge change, I'm studying for the LSAT, and will be graduating next year. I guess I am feeling the stirrings of the new woman I am becoming, and I love it! Lately, I have also felt the stirrings of love coming back into my heart for my husband- I didn't realize how little was left until we started building again, it's been pretty cool. Also, he has been sober for about 2 weeks now, woot woot! Last time we went two months, so he's reaching for a new record, and I'm proud of him.

Other thing on my mind:

Have you guys read this article that's going around the internet? I read it, and agreed with everything it was saying, he had a lot of good points. I like that it was written by a man to men. Do you think it's something you would share with your husband? I am afraid it will hit my husband's shame button if I did...

New Nerves

I have really had to process exactly went down at my Bishops visit. It was... interesting? haha! I went in with this complete plan of what I was going to say: I was going to tell my story, and then let him know that it really hurt me when he told my husband what he did. The appointment was set for the short time between our group therapy session, and after he came home, he told me that he regretted not fighting for me in the interview when Bishop said that, and that he wanted to come and fight for me now. I wanted to fight my own battle, so I told him I would do it alone, but I appreciated the thought. I wish I would have taken him. Long story short, I prayed for courage and strength to say what I needed to say. So I told my story, and after I told him about the part where my dad gave me that advice, and how much it messed me up, and that no matter what I did, I couldn't satisfy him, he interrupted and told me that I was right, that I would never be able to satisfy that craving. What was I supposed to do with that? It put doubt into my mind. Did he really even tell my husband the advice that he did? And if he did, why on earth would he do that? If he already knew that I couldn't satisfy him, and that I was so traumatized by that experience? Needless to say, I was really caught off guard at that moment, but I reacted positively, and kept telling my story. After telling my story, but before I could tell him his words hurt me, he stared at me and asked why I was telling him this- Why I was there. I was stunned and caught off guard, possibly because the only times I have told my story, I have been met with sympathy and love, and I felt like he had listened just to get it over with- he didn't see how this applied to my being there. I forgot why I was there, and somehow it got tied into him telling me that I HAD to forgive my husband for our marriage to survive. Like I didn't already know that. I have been stewing the interview over and over, and I hope that when he heard what that advice did to me when I heard it and tried to apply it over before, that it hit a chord- but I don't know. I keep mentally hitting myself for not coming right out and saying it. 

My husband got a text from the executive secretary this morning saying that Bishop wanted to meet with both of us today. I am nervous. Really nervous.

Partly because we got in a really really big fight this morning. My husband has been working hard to help me feel safe and earn my trust again. However, stupid fights come up that have "nothing to do" with the addiction to him, and everything to do with addict behavior to me. For example, this morning, our baby wakes up fairly early, and we are both tired and not ready to get up. We have fought about it in the past, and our solution was that we both get up, no more letting the other one sleep. We have been sort of breaking that rule lately, and letting the other one sleep. My husband yesterday when we were on vacation let me sleep, and said that he did it without expecting anything in return. This morning, however, when I didn't leave the lights off and door closed to let him sleep, all hell broke loose. He persecuted me for an hour, not leaving me alone, following me wherever I went, and attacking me with hurtful words. I calmly asked him to give me space over and over, and didn't respond to the attacking words. When he wouldn't leave me alone, I told him that if he didn't leave me alone, I would appreciate him leaving himself. When he wouldn't do that, I put on mine and my babe's coats, and got ready to leave without making a scene of it. He finally went in to bed and shut the door to leave me alone. In the middle of the fight I told him that I deserved better than this treatment, and that my baby deserved better than to learn to treat me like this. I feel like I did it in a very calm way, and wasn't feeling panicky like I do when I start taking in and responding to the verbal abuse. I would have left and been totally okay with it. Does anybody else have fights like this and are able to tie it to addict behavior even if your husband can't see it, and says that you are playing your "trump card" in the argument? I feel crazy when he says things like that- but maybe that's the goal.

So there it is- that happened today, and it is obvious that he is not in the same "fighting for me" mindset that he was in when I went in the first time I went to the Bishops office- and we get to go in together again. I am afraid I am going to be ganged up on. But I am stronger now, and I am not afraid of leaning into the fear. I will do extra self care and call some of my support group, and be prepared for it if it happens. It helps writing things down, and knowing that I have friends in this. 

Day of Nerves

 So after this last slip, my husband went and talked to the Bishop after church on Sunday.

Usually after these meetings, my husband is either really on edge because (a) he's still in addict mode or (b) the bishop doesn't really understand this addiction, and totally hits his shame button... so he's usually down or really up because of a blessing the bishop gave him, or some really sound advice, usually pertaining to scripture study, prayer or some other aspect of his fatherly duties.

He usually comes home and straight away wants to talk about what the bishop discussed, but this time he was closed lipped... which threw up some red flags in my mind. So I asked him about it, and he said that it was really good, and that he had gotten some good advice- but that he thought I wouldn't like some of the other stuff that the Bishop had said.

Flashbacks of the last time I didn't like what Bishop had said came rushing into my mind: About two months ago, the Bishop had responded to a text my hubby sent him about a slip, and the bishop replied asking if maybe I could "do something" to "help him out." Indicating that I wasn't putting out enough- but not explicitly saying it. So I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt.

This time however, Bishop came straight out and said it: "I know Ashley wants you to get over this, why doesn't she help you out more? Maybe her giving you more may stay the urges." ........ silence. All along I have been disappointed that our bishop doesn't seem interested in learning about the addiction, and how it works, how it effects the wife. But he is human and he is not perfect. I don't think he means to be ignorant. I truly believe that he loves each and every one of his ward members, and that is why I set up an appointment to go in and talk to him tonight before group- so that if it does go wrong, I have a strong group to process it with.

I don't want to go marching in there, and accuse him of being ignorant, nor do I want to go in there and preach or lecture. I simply want to go in there and tell my story. He knows my husband's story, but he doesn't know mine. I am pretty sure that if he knew my history of having my dad tell me the almost exact same advice before we got married, and how badly it messed me up, I am sure that he would not have given that advice. I am sure that if he knew about me freezing up and having my brain shut down when I don't feel like I have a choice in my home, that he wouldn't have given that advice. If he knew that I felt like a prostitute, or slept with pain killers under my pillow for a few months from feeling like a nobody, because I was trying to follow that advice, and blamed myself every time my husband told me about a slip, I am sure that he would not have given that advice.

I also want to address the fact that he may feel like this therapy isn't helping. We were 4-5 months into our lifestar program when we moved into this new ward (we are gratefully and humbly accepting help from the church in funding the therapy), but what he may not know, because my husband isn't one to boast or brag, is that my husband has cut down his slips from 1-3 times a day to once every month or so... which is still way too often for me, but a HUGE improvement. His humble warrior is finally getting some air, and the ability to soak in the sun- something that didn't happen very often. I was in constant fear, being verbally abused, and looked over like I wasn't even there. Life was a very dark place before therapy. But I really think that he just doesn't know that. We found out this last session that our ward didn't help pay for therapy last month, which stresses me out, but at the same time, I would rather eat ramen noodles for every meal and keep going to therapy, than drop out- because dropping out means that I either slowly go back to that dark place, or my husband and I get divorced because therapy is what keeps his addict in check, and I am stronger now- without therapy, I would hold to my boundaries until I couldn't take it any more.

So that's what I am going to go in there and talk about. I am scared, but I really feel like it's the right thing to do. Wish me luck!