My husband and I have been attending Therapy for the past six months through the LifeStar program. Honestly, when we first started going, I thought that I was going just to help my husband. I didn't realize that this program would help me as a wife heal so much. It has been so amazing learning ways that I myself fed the addiction because I was constantly afraid of my husband slipping again. I would obsess over what he was looking at at all times. It was exhausting, and it was turning me into a paranoid and isolated individual. I didn't talk to my old friends because I was worried about them finding out about my husband. I didn't talk to my family about it, because I wanted them to still love him. By doing so, I cut off all of my coping mechanisms, and started to bottle up emotions. Now, this new therapy has given me a support system of girls whose husbands are all struggling with the same thing. They know what I'm going through, and I know what they are going through, and it's been so nice to know that if I'm going through a hard time, the drama isn't going to seep into my family or outside friend group. I can't even begin to tell you how relieving it is! I didn't think I needed therapy, but I did. Because now that my husband is finally going through the (ROUGH) process of real recovery, I don't want to be left behind. I don't want to be constantly still worrying that he might slip again- because that may drag him down again.
Here is my plug for anybody who is reading this- If you have the opportunity, I would think about maybe going to therapy for yourself. You may not realize it, but research has proven that wives of Porn addicts often display signs of PTSD. Life will dramatically improve, I promise. Find a therapist that works with you and your personality, and don't be afraid to completely dive in and experience the relief that healing brings.
Friday, August 2, 2013
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Second Year Anniversary
Two days ago, my husband and I were celebrating our two year wedding anniversary. We went camping at a hotspring, which was really a fun time! There was a minute there, though where I became afraid that he was looking at some of the other women there who were wearing bikinis, and I couldn't stop thinking about it. I kept seeing him glance behind my shoulder, and in my mind, I knew that he was looking at other women. After a while, I couldn't help myself, I asked him "what are you looking at?" and man-oh-man did that set off a bomb. He answered saying he was just looking around at all of the different people, just like I was. I apologized for getting obsessive, and told him that I didn't know how to handle the situation I was in.
For the rest of the day, and most of the next day (which was our actual anniversary), I tried to forget it, and move on, however, my husband made biting little comments that hurt, but I couldn't put my finger on why I was feeling so hurt. I thought it was just my period.
Luckily, the day we got home, we had a porn group meeting, where our therapist was teaching us about the cycle porn addicts and their wives get into.
The addicts get triggered by something, which leads to them putting themselves into a situation in which they can act out, followed by actually acting out, which leads to shame. They then confess to their wives, which leads into a fear cycle in which we are always afraid of when the next bomb will be dropped on us, which leads us to obsess about it, which leads us to want to control the situation, and when we can't control it, we become ashamed and hurt ourselves, which leads back into the fear.
I realized that what I should have done is tried to reach out to someone else, and dumped my fears on them, rather than dumping it on my husband right at that moment. It is definitely ok to talk to him about it, but only when I have gotten most of the emotional side of things out of it. After I dumped it onto someone else, and if my husband is doing his work too and confessed that he had a hard time to someone else, we can then come together and logically talk out a way that we can both keep ourselves safe the next time that situation comes up.
It's definitely easier said than done, but practice is everything, and before I know it, it will become second nature.
Of course, here comes my reminder, self, to continue to take YOU time. I need my own personal scripture study and prayer to keep strong, along with personal activities that I enjoy and that make you feel good about yourself. The only person who can make me happy 100% of the time is ME because of the choices I make to let myself be happy.
For the rest of the day, and most of the next day (which was our actual anniversary), I tried to forget it, and move on, however, my husband made biting little comments that hurt, but I couldn't put my finger on why I was feeling so hurt. I thought it was just my period.
Luckily, the day we got home, we had a porn group meeting, where our therapist was teaching us about the cycle porn addicts and their wives get into.
The addicts get triggered by something, which leads to them putting themselves into a situation in which they can act out, followed by actually acting out, which leads to shame. They then confess to their wives, which leads into a fear cycle in which we are always afraid of when the next bomb will be dropped on us, which leads us to obsess about it, which leads us to want to control the situation, and when we can't control it, we become ashamed and hurt ourselves, which leads back into the fear.
I realized that what I should have done is tried to reach out to someone else, and dumped my fears on them, rather than dumping it on my husband right at that moment. It is definitely ok to talk to him about it, but only when I have gotten most of the emotional side of things out of it. After I dumped it onto someone else, and if my husband is doing his work too and confessed that he had a hard time to someone else, we can then come together and logically talk out a way that we can both keep ourselves safe the next time that situation comes up.
It's definitely easier said than done, but practice is everything, and before I know it, it will become second nature.
Of course, here comes my reminder, self, to continue to take YOU time. I need my own personal scripture study and prayer to keep strong, along with personal activities that I enjoy and that make you feel good about yourself. The only person who can make me happy 100% of the time is ME because of the choices I make to let myself be happy.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
First time
The first time I found out that my husband had a pornography addiction, it felt like a bucket of cold ice was just pored over me. I finally understood the meaning of the saying "your world is shattered." I remember thinking "Other people are addicted to pornography, no one I know... Other people." The truth is that most likely almost every single male that I have ever met, dated, hung out with, has most likely had at least some level of an addiction to pornography. It's just such a secretive addiction that they must have been ashamed to admit it. I have looked back at so many relationships that I am now sure didn't work out because of this addiction. I was so confused at the time- the question "what went wrong?" was stuck on repeat in my mind. But looking back, and after having the experiences that I have had, I want to bump that younger me over the head, because it's so obvious now! God knew this, and so he put into my life a man who was straight forward with me enough to let me know from the beginning that this was a struggle of his. I know that this may not be the case for all of us- some of us don't even find out until we are married, and that comes as the shock of a lifetime. What I must take out of all of all of it is this: God knew. God had a plan for me, and this is one of the struggles that he knows that I can grow from. He intends for me to come out on top! I know this. And this is because I am a child of God who came to this earth to experience trials so that I can be refined over and over, until I am like him. He loves me! He suffers when I suffer, and he is waiting for me to actually take those first steps to put this burden entirely on him. I work hard every day to let him guide me through his spirit. He will show me what to do. He will help me to become a goddess- because that's what I am: A Goddess in training.
Monday, May 27, 2013
Hard Times
It's been a few days due to a family tragedy on my husband's side. The hard part of this addiction is that sometimes when there is an intense situation happens like a death in the family, losing a job, natural disasters etc., It is easy, really easy for him to turn to pornography as a release from the stress. As much as a release it is to him, it has made the whole situation that much harder for me. It adds to the pain that I am already feeling.
Something I am learning is that if my husband does end up turning to pornography in trying times is this- it is not my husband, it is the addict inside of him. My husband is the conscious that is telling the addict inside of him to stop, and is telling the addict that he needs help, whether he admits it out loud or not. It's so hard to remember to be patient and persevering, and know that God is working on him in the areas where I can't, in fact, he is more than willing to pick up the slack where I feel I are needing help. I am learning to not be afraid to turn my concerns, pain, and anguish to him. He is the only person that can put change in my husband- I can't. No matter how hard I try, the only way my husband will beat the addict self inside of him is if he turns himself over to the Lord, and to the resources that he has put on this earth to help him overcome it.
This is the hardest lesson for a wife to learn, because we all want to be in control. It is human nature to want to be in control. However, it is wisdom to realize that the only thing I can control is that moment and moments to come, where I ask the lord what to do because my way isn't working. Wisdom is having the faith to do what he guides me to do, no matter what.
I know I can do it.
I am strong.
I wouldn't be in this situation if our loving Heavenly Father didn't think I could come out of this challenge on top, and breathing hard. Ready to conquer the next mountain to climb.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Taking Time for Me
It is so easy to get caught up in thinking about how this addiction is hurting me. I constantly wonder what my husband is doing while I am away, or while he is away. I know, You have probably been there. This, however is not going to help my situation one bit. The one thing that will help me learning to be healthy in my thinking- by taking control of what I think about. So, here's what I am planning to do: Take some time to do something for me every day. On top of reading my scriptures and saying my prayers; I'm going to go for a walk, go chat it up with my neighbor, try something new with my hair, learn to cook something new... even if it only takes a second, I'm going to fill my cup with some sunshine! I have been promised that doing this will be so beneficial and add up to make me THAT much stronger!
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Reaction
It is your reaction to adversity, not the adversity itself that determines how your life's story will develop.
-Dieter F. Uchtdorf
My Story
Before you can know my story, you have to at least know part of my husband's story:
My husband was first exposed to porn when he was 11-12 years old (an age I later found out is really common for boys to first be exposed). His parent's never really talked about sex or pornography, and probably didn't even know that it was a huge problem. He was able to get the addiction under control enough to go on a mission. When he came back, he slipped into old habits, and the addiction took hold again. He felt helpless, and despite a few attempts to see counselors and talk to bishops, he felt like he was losing the fight. He found himself asking "Why am I even trying?"
My story:
I met my husband just after that point- probably one of the lowest points in his life. He had just had his temple recommend taken away, and that hit him really hard. Before he met me, he had decided that he wanted to be a counselor at a religious camp for youth in our church, but he needed permission from his bishop to do so. He started to work really hard, and right after he had met me, he was granted permission to do so.
My husband told me about the addiction about 3 months into dating, but I had already known something about it. He had previously left his journal with me on accident over general conference weekend. I was a snoop, and looked through it to see if he had written anything about me in it, but what I found instead was a list of things that did not make him happy- and pornography was one of them. Seeing that made me pretty shaky, but I think Heavenly Father wanted me to see it, because after I saw that list, I got down on my knees and prayed to know if I should continue to date this boy. I was shocked, to say the least, to have an immediate and resounding YES hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew right then, even though I don't think I admitted it until later, that I was going to marry this boy. After that experience, I waited patiently to see if and when he was going to tell me about it- and I had made the decision to ask him after 2 weeks if he hadn't said anything to me. It was only one week after reading in his journal that he told me about his addiction to pornography.
Obviously, from reading that list in his journal, I had no idea how deep the addiction went, and how long it had been a challenge for him. I knew, however, that I needed to be there for this boy. I was also a little bit naive, because I had no idea how much of a hold this addiction can hold over an individual. We broke up once over it, but it only lasted a day. It just didn't feel right to break things off just because it would be easier. I knew that we were supposed to tackle this thing together, and I was determined to do so.
It was about this time of my life where I completely cut myself off from the rest of the world- a mistake that I regret deeply. I lost a lot of friends because of missed phone-calls, bridal showers, get togethers and the like, and all because I was consumed in helping my (then) boyfriend overcome this addiction- I was scared to leave him alone, and was with him as much as possible. The reason why I regret this is because I needed to talk to someone about this badly. I had this pressure building and building on my chest, but I had no-one to talk to. I didn't want my family to think badly of him, and I didn't want my friends to either. I wanted them to see him for the amazing man that I knew and loved, not the guy who's addicted to porn.
Well, we decided that we wanted to be married about 5 months after dating, and when my husband asked for my dad's blessing, he was able to disclose about the addiction to him. Because my Dad now knew about the addiction, I felt relieved, because I could finally ask for some advice from somebody. When I mentioned my concerns and fears to my dad, he told me that once I was married, as long as I wasn't stingy, all of this would most likely go away. As relieved as I was to hear that, half of me wondered how true it was.
We waited 6 months to get married, as we were working towards a temple marriage. We worked harder than I have ever worked on myself before. We were diligent about prayer and scripture study. We put blocks on the internet, got rid of our fancy phones, and my husband improved significantly- enough for us to be married in the temple. The wedding was the best moment of my life. I loved looking into my husband's eyes, knowing that if we continued to work as hard as we had been working for those 6 months, that we would be together forever with our future children.
After the wedding, we started to slip on our prayers, church attendance and scripture study, and I stopped keeping tabs on how my husband was doing. I was sure that married life had cured him. We became way more relaxed about our check-ins and even got some fancy new smart phones. After about 3 months of being married, I stumbled onto my husband's search history feed on his phone, and found some pornographic websites that he had visited. I can not even tell you how my stomach dropped.
This was the darkest time in my life. I felt trapped, alone, and scared. I didn't know who to turn to. We fought almost every night, and I would stomp out the door, saying that I was going to leave him, only to return 5 minutes later, because I was afraid that he was looking at porn again.
We finally sort of got onto the same page, and decided to move away to start out with a clean slate, and to begin again. After we had moved, we found out that I was pregnant with our first child. I was terrified. It would have been so easy for me to leave before when it was just the two of us, but with a child involved, there was no way out without hurting an innocent baby. It was shortly finding this out that my husband sought help from our new Bishop.
Our new Bishop took my husband under his wing, and really helped him- he pointed us in the direction of the 12-step Pornography group that met once a week. When my husband went for the first time, he realized that there was a women's group too, and after going a few times, he invited me to go with him. I was so scared to go. What if I knew somebody? What if they judged me because I married my husband even though I knew about the addiction- what if they said it was my own fault and kicked me out. But most of all, I was scared of talking bad about my husband to other people- and I didn't want to do it.
It meant so much to my husband that I went, that I decided to bite the bullet and go. It would only be an hour, and at least I would know that it wouldn't be forever if I hated it.
The moment I stepped into that room, I felt the spirit so strongly that this is where I was meant to be. I was meant to be there. I was amazed to find out that we weren't there to talk bad about our husband's at all! We were there to find healing through the Lord Jesus Christ, to learn to forgive our husbands, and also to have some non-judgmental friends who had gone through the exact same excruciating struggle that I was going through.
After sharing my story with those sweet sweet ladies, I felt like I had a load the size of a house lifted off of my shoulders. I cried and cried and cried, knowing that I would be okay, and knowing that I was no longer alone in my suffering.
The twelve steps did work some pretty incredible changes for our family over the next year, and we had our baby. We started being pretty good about prayers, scripture study, church attendance, and family home evenings. Don't get me wrong, we still had our struggles, and there were still some very hard times, but we were making slow progress forward.
It was after that first year that our Bishop looked at the progress, and noticed that some of the struggles were getting a little more frequent again that he recommended that my husband and I go to a therapist. He felt that the addiction went much deeper than he had originally thought, and I am so grateful that he did.
We have been seeing this amazing Therapist ever since (it's been about 6 months now), and the changes that I have seen in my husband are amazing. But most of all, the changes that I can see in my life have been liberating. I have learned to find happiness for myself, and not to be co-dependent on my husband's addiction. My happiness does not have to be dependent on if he had a good day or not. Heavenly Father wouldn't want it that way. I have learned not to be obsessive about his addiction, and only help him when he asks for help, like to put locks on the internet for example. I am learning to be the best self I can be, and as my husband is working towards the same goal, we are working in the same direction and working together.
Now, I know that some of you who are reading this have husbands or significant others who are not in the mindset to change. Do not be the reason why the addiction can still exist! Seek to make yourself happy, and as you grow closer to Jesus Christ, the light in your life can shine into his. Don't let yourself get dragged into the shame cycle. Give your life up to Christ by taking control of yourself, and let go of the idea that you can control the addiction, because you can't.
My story isn't over, because I have reached a new chapter. I want to reach and out and be friends with women just like you and me. I want to be able to give comfort and a knowledge that it's all going to be okay. I want both of us to know that you can be happy again! We can find our way back into the waiting and welcoming arms of Jesus Christ.
Thank you for taking time to read my story, and please feel free to email me yours, I would love to hear from you and share in your journey. valiant.women.united@gmail.com
My husband was first exposed to porn when he was 11-12 years old (an age I later found out is really common for boys to first be exposed). His parent's never really talked about sex or pornography, and probably didn't even know that it was a huge problem. He was able to get the addiction under control enough to go on a mission. When he came back, he slipped into old habits, and the addiction took hold again. He felt helpless, and despite a few attempts to see counselors and talk to bishops, he felt like he was losing the fight. He found himself asking "Why am I even trying?"
My story:
I met my husband just after that point- probably one of the lowest points in his life. He had just had his temple recommend taken away, and that hit him really hard. Before he met me, he had decided that he wanted to be a counselor at a religious camp for youth in our church, but he needed permission from his bishop to do so. He started to work really hard, and right after he had met me, he was granted permission to do so.
My husband told me about the addiction about 3 months into dating, but I had already known something about it. He had previously left his journal with me on accident over general conference weekend. I was a snoop, and looked through it to see if he had written anything about me in it, but what I found instead was a list of things that did not make him happy- and pornography was one of them. Seeing that made me pretty shaky, but I think Heavenly Father wanted me to see it, because after I saw that list, I got down on my knees and prayed to know if I should continue to date this boy. I was shocked, to say the least, to have an immediate and resounding YES hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew right then, even though I don't think I admitted it until later, that I was going to marry this boy. After that experience, I waited patiently to see if and when he was going to tell me about it- and I had made the decision to ask him after 2 weeks if he hadn't said anything to me. It was only one week after reading in his journal that he told me about his addiction to pornography.
Obviously, from reading that list in his journal, I had no idea how deep the addiction went, and how long it had been a challenge for him. I knew, however, that I needed to be there for this boy. I was also a little bit naive, because I had no idea how much of a hold this addiction can hold over an individual. We broke up once over it, but it only lasted a day. It just didn't feel right to break things off just because it would be easier. I knew that we were supposed to tackle this thing together, and I was determined to do so.
It was about this time of my life where I completely cut myself off from the rest of the world- a mistake that I regret deeply. I lost a lot of friends because of missed phone-calls, bridal showers, get togethers and the like, and all because I was consumed in helping my (then) boyfriend overcome this addiction- I was scared to leave him alone, and was with him as much as possible. The reason why I regret this is because I needed to talk to someone about this badly. I had this pressure building and building on my chest, but I had no-one to talk to. I didn't want my family to think badly of him, and I didn't want my friends to either. I wanted them to see him for the amazing man that I knew and loved, not the guy who's addicted to porn.
Well, we decided that we wanted to be married about 5 months after dating, and when my husband asked for my dad's blessing, he was able to disclose about the addiction to him. Because my Dad now knew about the addiction, I felt relieved, because I could finally ask for some advice from somebody. When I mentioned my concerns and fears to my dad, he told me that once I was married, as long as I wasn't stingy, all of this would most likely go away. As relieved as I was to hear that, half of me wondered how true it was.
We waited 6 months to get married, as we were working towards a temple marriage. We worked harder than I have ever worked on myself before. We were diligent about prayer and scripture study. We put blocks on the internet, got rid of our fancy phones, and my husband improved significantly- enough for us to be married in the temple. The wedding was the best moment of my life. I loved looking into my husband's eyes, knowing that if we continued to work as hard as we had been working for those 6 months, that we would be together forever with our future children.
After the wedding, we started to slip on our prayers, church attendance and scripture study, and I stopped keeping tabs on how my husband was doing. I was sure that married life had cured him. We became way more relaxed about our check-ins and even got some fancy new smart phones. After about 3 months of being married, I stumbled onto my husband's search history feed on his phone, and found some pornographic websites that he had visited. I can not even tell you how my stomach dropped.
This was the darkest time in my life. I felt trapped, alone, and scared. I didn't know who to turn to. We fought almost every night, and I would stomp out the door, saying that I was going to leave him, only to return 5 minutes later, because I was afraid that he was looking at porn again.
We finally sort of got onto the same page, and decided to move away to start out with a clean slate, and to begin again. After we had moved, we found out that I was pregnant with our first child. I was terrified. It would have been so easy for me to leave before when it was just the two of us, but with a child involved, there was no way out without hurting an innocent baby. It was shortly finding this out that my husband sought help from our new Bishop.
Our new Bishop took my husband under his wing, and really helped him- he pointed us in the direction of the 12-step Pornography group that met once a week. When my husband went for the first time, he realized that there was a women's group too, and after going a few times, he invited me to go with him. I was so scared to go. What if I knew somebody? What if they judged me because I married my husband even though I knew about the addiction- what if they said it was my own fault and kicked me out. But most of all, I was scared of talking bad about my husband to other people- and I didn't want to do it.
It meant so much to my husband that I went, that I decided to bite the bullet and go. It would only be an hour, and at least I would know that it wouldn't be forever if I hated it.
The moment I stepped into that room, I felt the spirit so strongly that this is where I was meant to be. I was meant to be there. I was amazed to find out that we weren't there to talk bad about our husband's at all! We were there to find healing through the Lord Jesus Christ, to learn to forgive our husbands, and also to have some non-judgmental friends who had gone through the exact same excruciating struggle that I was going through.
After sharing my story with those sweet sweet ladies, I felt like I had a load the size of a house lifted off of my shoulders. I cried and cried and cried, knowing that I would be okay, and knowing that I was no longer alone in my suffering.
The twelve steps did work some pretty incredible changes for our family over the next year, and we had our baby. We started being pretty good about prayers, scripture study, church attendance, and family home evenings. Don't get me wrong, we still had our struggles, and there were still some very hard times, but we were making slow progress forward.
It was after that first year that our Bishop looked at the progress, and noticed that some of the struggles were getting a little more frequent again that he recommended that my husband and I go to a therapist. He felt that the addiction went much deeper than he had originally thought, and I am so grateful that he did.
We have been seeing this amazing Therapist ever since (it's been about 6 months now), and the changes that I have seen in my husband are amazing. But most of all, the changes that I can see in my life have been liberating. I have learned to find happiness for myself, and not to be co-dependent on my husband's addiction. My happiness does not have to be dependent on if he had a good day or not. Heavenly Father wouldn't want it that way. I have learned not to be obsessive about his addiction, and only help him when he asks for help, like to put locks on the internet for example. I am learning to be the best self I can be, and as my husband is working towards the same goal, we are working in the same direction and working together.
Now, I know that some of you who are reading this have husbands or significant others who are not in the mindset to change. Do not be the reason why the addiction can still exist! Seek to make yourself happy, and as you grow closer to Jesus Christ, the light in your life can shine into his. Don't let yourself get dragged into the shame cycle. Give your life up to Christ by taking control of yourself, and let go of the idea that you can control the addiction, because you can't.
My story isn't over, because I have reached a new chapter. I want to reach and out and be friends with women just like you and me. I want to be able to give comfort and a knowledge that it's all going to be okay. I want both of us to know that you can be happy again! We can find our way back into the waiting and welcoming arms of Jesus Christ.
Thank you for taking time to read my story, and please feel free to email me yours, I would love to hear from you and share in your journey. valiant.women.united@gmail.com
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