Prep it up.

Today is the last day of my "on week." (I work on a week, off a week).

I thought today I would use this blog as a way to be accountable, and in order to do that, I have to set some goals for my upcoming off week!

Goal #1: Self Care. Self Care. Self Care. I know that it wont make up for a week without much of it, but it can't hurt to do as much as possible so that I CAN feel good on my next on week, Like I can actually put up my decorations so that I am not stressed having them all over the floor.

Goal #2: Be social. I am going to gab this week.

Goal #3: Stay on top of my dailies, and get into a morning routine so I can get in the habit of incorporating dailies into my life again.

Goal #4: Enjoy being able to spend time with my son! Woot woot! That means getting outside while it's still warm!

Goal #5: Shower and make a conscious decision on what I am going to wear and how I am going to look that day.

Also, here's a shoutout to little victories:
My husband almost got a smartphone today, like literally was walking out the door to get it, but didn't feel right about it so he didn't! It is little victories like that that give me hope for the future!

Survival

First Matter of Business: The check in:

My husband has this analogy: he calls it the toothpaste analogy. He always says that just because you brush your teeth one day doesn't mean that you can count it for the next day too. He is always applying this to recovery work. Like recovery work has to be a daily thing, right? Anyway, I got this new job that has me working all week from 9-5, and then being on-call for the rest of the night. BUT then I get the whole next week completely off. When I heard about the set-up, I was all "HECK YES!" but I didn't think about how the toothpaste analogy applies to this situation. I LOVE my off weeks. I HATE my on weeks. Don't get me wrong, I love my job. But i don't love my job+husbands crazy hours+trying to be a mommy all at the same time. That leaves me almost zero me time, and no self-care. 

How do you working mamas DO it??

I am in shock and awe at what you do, and seriously need some pointers. 

Second Matter of Business: The Vomit:

I have decided to call this the vomit because this is the stuff that I don't know what to do with, but I want to understand my feelings towards it, so I'm just going to vomit it all up right now:

1. We went to see the Bishop two days ago. I felt like he (the bishop) was physically there, but mentally somewhere else. Which was fine for a first meeting. J told the bishop that he was an addict, and that we were formally in therapy support groups where we came from. The bishop (still didn't feel like he was all there) smiled and said "that's fine" and then told us that there was a mens support group for addicts in the stake. Then we moved along and that was it. J felt good about telling him, but I felt off. As I'm writing this, I'm realizing that its probably because after that moment he didn't look at me until we shook hands to say goodbye. I guess I'm sick of having to tell bishops that this also effects the wives, and that the trauma that is caused by this stupid addiction is real. I really really wish that there was some kind of meeting where all the bishops got together and someone could tell them to watch out for the wives. BUT that is me going into victim mode, which is a form of denial. I am a strong and independent woman, and I can do this again. And again. And I can keep educating and showing that this is a real thing.

2. I miss my therapy girls. It's hard not having that check-in every single week. It's hard to KNOW that I can't go to lunch with them if one of us really needed it. It's crazy, because it's not like we got together every week, but it was nice knowing they were there. There seriously needs to be some sort of support group in southern utah county because I KNOW I'm not the only one out here.

3. J keeps going in and out of recovery. I can't do anything about it. Bah. Reading that sentence that I just wrote made me realize that I have ZERO control over anything he does. Man it's hard to let that go. *deep breath*  Ok. I commit to taking control of my recovery. I will either write on this blog or refer back to my recovery binder every day before I allow myself to get lost on Hulu and try to numb the pain. I will face life in a way that will ultimately make me happy. There. I said it. 

Embarrassing, Enlightening, and Empowered.

*warning* This is a post chuck full of embarrassing stories and recovery fails... followed by a recommitment to jump back into life and recovery.

I moved. I have moved away from my central source of support. It seemed like such a good idea at the time. But now I am here, and I am unpacking, and I feel like each box is putting me further away from my amazing support group back home. My awesome neighbor that got me out for a walk every morning, my lifestar group of girls, my mother-in-law, who didn't mind watching my little guy at the drop of a hat, and he LOVED going there.

Now, I moved into an apartment in the middle of nowhere. My one neighbor is so emotionally checked out that I feel like I'm talking to a wall a little bit, and very judged when I try to be real. I haven't been taking care of myself because there is SO MUCH TO DO. School started this week. First week of work. Unpacking. Husband being gone.

and then there is the worrying:
1. First- about my son and the fact that he has no idea what the heck is going on. He has been shuffled around so much the last few weeks as we have been moving, and then to top it all off, his mama starts dropping him off to a daycare- which he has never done before, and he hasn't seen his daddy nearly as much. It went from a we were basically always together sort of a thing to WAPOW- Ope, now we are too busy for you, have fun at daycare. (Obviously ALOT of shame going on right there.)

2. Second- about the fact that because his world has been thrown upside-down, he hasn't been sleeping very well- which means that I haven't been sleeping very well either. Let me tell you, sleep is one of those NECESSITIES that help me to take care of myself. I don't think very well on this little of sleep.

3. Third- our new apartment has cable. I don't want to break any bottom lines by just chucking it, because I don't know why I would by doing it. I definitely wont be using it much, so it seems like a hassle to set it up for hardly any use... but I also think I would be tossing as a way to save J the trouble of having to slip before deciding that it's a good idea to toss it.

4. Fourth- (TMI? maybe) I have been wearing the same garments for the last 5 days because I have NO idea where I packed them. Yep- a sign that I have DEFINITELY not been taking care of myself.

5. Fifth- I have ALOT of unpacking to do- and I just finished packing, so it's the last thing I want to do right now, and I don't have J to help with it.

and then there is what I have done about it:
Up until last night, I haven't really done anything about it. and i have had a constant lump in my throat, tightness in my chest, and I have cried every time I have talked about any one of those things.

And then Heavenly Father sent me a miracle: I hit rock bottom. I peed my pants. Haha!! I had ran myself so rugged yesterday that I didn't give myself time to go to the bathroom, so as I was trying to find my keys to get inside the apartment last night, it suddenly hit me: I needed to pee. and NOW. Problem is that I wasn't so familiar with my new keys for the new place that I didn't know which one to use. I sort of danced my way over the the curb to sit down and figure out which one to use, and that helped for a minute, and I was able to find the right key! I was walking towards the door when I couldn't hold it ANYMORE!! I am embarrassed to admit that I peed my pants on my own doorstep. Luckily my son was asleep, so I hurried and changed, and put him in his own bed... and realized what a miracle it was that the only pair of garments I had were no longer wearable!! I took a bubble bath. And during my bubble bath I realized that that was the first time that I had done anything for myself in TWO WEEKS! So I shaved my legs.

I tell you what, I came out of that bubble bath a new woman. So although last night was a little rough with the little one, I woke up with a new resolve. I was going to take care of myself! I am going to listen to my favorite music while I am unpacking. I bought some new garments! I am going to write on my blog and talk to some of my fellow WOPAS, and I am going to gosh dang it go to the bathroom when I need to! Whew!

I am so relieved.

And I'm starting to love life again.

P.S. If any of you are in the Utah County area, let me know! I want to build up an awesome support group, and I think it would be mutually beneficial! ;)

Just when you think you have it...

Let me preface what I'm about to say with a little bit of background about what's been happening for the last few months. J has been doing so great with his recovery- getting a whopping 4 week of sobriety under his belt. As his wife, it has been amazing to see the progress and the confidence that even the 4 weeks of honest sobriety can do.

That being said. Summers are hard. Holidays are hard. And the Fourth of July this year was no exception. Things had been going SO WELL. Despite the heat and the subsequent summer clothing. The night before the 4th of July, we had all our stuff together to do a 15k at 5 the next morning. We had his parents ready and waiting to watch our boy, so that the two of us could go do this race that we have been training for. Following the race, the plan was to head down to my parent's to spend the fourth with them.

Morning comes, and I wake up thinking that it looks a little bit too light for it to be 5 in the morning, so I look at the clock.... sure enough. It was 6:45. We were both pretty upset about it. But for J, it hit him especially bad. He was extremely grumpy- and it was all I could do to stay out of drama. Not going to lie, I didn't stay out of drama as well as I would have thought. We got into a fight about something silly, and I saw it going south fast. He decided to go to sleep. (stupid addict naps- and that was the end of the 4 week streak) And after a while, I couldn't take it anymore, so I loaded up the car and was about to leave for my parents without him. I started to actually go. But I HATE bringing my marriage drama home! Hate it.
So I pulled back into the driveway, and I marched in and demanded that he come with. He pulled his power trip by dragging his feet, and not talking to me unless to comment on how inefficient I had been. (BLAME)

It slowly got better, and the trip ended up being pretty fun and enjoyable.

We got home two days ago. I went to church to play piano in primary, and J stayed home with our sick son. We went on a walk, enjoyed each other's company, and I thought we were back on a path towards another uphill climb, hoping this time would be easier because of the length of the last sober period.

OK. That brings me up to date, and now I can finally talk about the current situation, and I would like to hear if anyone can relate to this: He says he doesn't want to act out, but he is being so MEAN. Blaming, manipulation, extremism, passive aggressiveness, controlling... I could go on. And to top it all off: he says I am the one "holding him back."

Today he called me an F***ing B***. twice. TWICE. I have been verbally beaten up sporadically throughout the day, and I do not deserve it. Granted, I broke a bottom line and stepped into control phase for literally 2 minutes. But no matter my actions in that regard, I do. not. deserve. that. verbal. abuse. So I set a bottom line around it. I left the house immediately after the climax of it all, and took my son on a drive. On the drive, I tried to call my group members, but they didn't answer, so I just tried to be mindful about what I needed to do without going into drama.

I called him. Instantly he apologized for what he said (like he always does, and gets away with most of the time), and I told him that it really hurt me, and that it was not okay. I told him that I didn't want to see him, and that I would be home in an hour. I asked him if he would stay the night somewhere else. He said "what if I say no?", and I said "We will find somewhere else to stay." And by golly, I meant it. I am over getting verbally walked all over. I don't think it's healthy for my son to be around either.

I hope that my setting this boundary, along with helping me feel more safe in my home, will help him to see that this kind of behavior from him will no longer be tolerated by me. It has become a pattern for it to be okay for him to trample over me when he's upset, but it is not okay anymore. I'm nervous and worried about what the consequences will be at the end of the day, but I am wanting whats best for my family, and that means taking care of myself and my son while my husband works his addiction recovery.

Puppet Master No Longer

Freedom.
Non-compliance.
I don't know how to explain how I'm feeling right now, but the feeling is burning inside of me, so I want to get it in front of me, and I'm using my keyboard as my tool of choice.

My husband is going through that period of self discovery that he never really went through as a teenager. That time where you question everything and what some people see as rebelling- but really just wanting to test the waters to see what you REALLY believe, and trying things out to see how they make him feel... Questioning what he's always believed.

It's weird.
But I think it's a MUCH needed phase, even if it's scary. Wholly cow. I am sounding like a mom. Which I am. But who knew I would be learning these lessons with my husband while my child is almost two years old.

I am so used to asking him to do something, and having him do it, no questions asked... But now there are MANY questions asked. I'm going through a love/hate relationship of this change in our dynamic.

I was just about to say that I'm working really hard to let it go and give it to god- to surrender... Which I have been doing, surrendering that is- but I haven't been working all that hard at it. When Christ said that his burden/yolk is light, he wasn't kidding!! It has literally been the most relieving thing that I have ever done in this whole process- let it go. *insert huge sigh of relief*

I don't mean I've given up anything- just my desire to control or judge any other human being ever again. (Or as much as humanly possible) I mean, what kinds of mountains could I move if I used this amounts of energy on things that actually work- things that will actually get me somewhere. Like self affermations, planning a future, investing time in my son, getting healthy, pulling myself out of whater funk I've been in for the past 3 years... 

This is true freedom! I'm finding it in my healing- and I trust that my husband is working towards the same end goal... No matter how he gets there, it's good to know that at least we are seeking freedom from the same source- by means of a spiritual and personal journey to know ourselves and Christ better. 

I feel free from my former role of puppet master, and I bet it feels good for him to feel like the strings have been cut as well.

I have been weighed

"When in situations of stress, we wonder if there is any more in us to give, we can be comforted to know that God, who knows our capabilities perfectly, placed us here to succeed. No one was foreordained to fail or to be wicked. When we have been weighed and found wanting, let us remember that we were measured before and were found equal to our tasks; and therefore, let us continue but with a more determined discipleship." (Ensign, Feb. 1979, 73.)

Neal Maxwell

My husband just have me his very full (probably more detailed than it needed to be) disclosure. I had asked for it a few years ago, and had sort of pieced it together, but it was hard to have it laid out before me. Luckily I have a great therapist and support group I could contact and lean on. I'm doing my best to keep the wounds open so I can clean it and not allow it to get infected. It sure is hard though. I read the quote above this morning and it really sang to my soul. Isn't it empowering to know that we were weighed earlier and found equal to our task earlier? And isn't it empowering to know that we have a helpmeet to help us measure up to the the current hard task!

It made me think of the movie 'a knights tale' in it, the bad guy tells Will (the good guy): 'You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting. In what world could you possibly beat me?' Isn't that just how satan wants us to think of our trials right now?? 

And so now I say: I have been previously weighed, and have been found equal to the task- and through God, all things are possible. Work hard, sisters, work hard, trust in God, rely on God, and let's beat all of our fears, insecurities, pain and trauma. It's going to be hard, but what in life isn't? And eventually we will have our reward!

Raining bullets

Every day. I feel as if I am battling everyday against the feelings threatening to overpower me. And I am. I got a new confession Every. Single. Day. this week. Every day. I have been working hard to remind myself of the feelings of peace. In group, we learned that letting go isn't about cutting ourselves off from our spouses, but creating a perimeter around ourselves as a defense if we are wounded. Well, I have a few wounds accumulated this week. It's pretty sucky. This week I worked hard to show my love for him while keeping my distance. So when he admits to the slip of the day, I don't have my shield of anger to protect me- just raw pain. Sucky raw pain that cuts deep. Okay, but what are you going to so about it, ash dear? (Excuse the cutesy self talk ;)) Answer: (say it together, class) self care, boundaries, dailies. Let's just hope it's going to be enough to get me through this weather, it's raining bullets.