Just when you think you have it...

Let me preface what I'm about to say with a little bit of background about what's been happening for the last few months. J has been doing so great with his recovery- getting a whopping 4 week of sobriety under his belt. As his wife, it has been amazing to see the progress and the confidence that even the 4 weeks of honest sobriety can do.

That being said. Summers are hard. Holidays are hard. And the Fourth of July this year was no exception. Things had been going SO WELL. Despite the heat and the subsequent summer clothing. The night before the 4th of July, we had all our stuff together to do a 15k at 5 the next morning. We had his parents ready and waiting to watch our boy, so that the two of us could go do this race that we have been training for. Following the race, the plan was to head down to my parent's to spend the fourth with them.

Morning comes, and I wake up thinking that it looks a little bit too light for it to be 5 in the morning, so I look at the clock.... sure enough. It was 6:45. We were both pretty upset about it. But for J, it hit him especially bad. He was extremely grumpy- and it was all I could do to stay out of drama. Not going to lie, I didn't stay out of drama as well as I would have thought. We got into a fight about something silly, and I saw it going south fast. He decided to go to sleep. (stupid addict naps- and that was the end of the 4 week streak) And after a while, I couldn't take it anymore, so I loaded up the car and was about to leave for my parents without him. I started to actually go. But I HATE bringing my marriage drama home! Hate it.
So I pulled back into the driveway, and I marched in and demanded that he come with. He pulled his power trip by dragging his feet, and not talking to me unless to comment on how inefficient I had been. (BLAME)

It slowly got better, and the trip ended up being pretty fun and enjoyable.

We got home two days ago. I went to church to play piano in primary, and J stayed home with our sick son. We went on a walk, enjoyed each other's company, and I thought we were back on a path towards another uphill climb, hoping this time would be easier because of the length of the last sober period.

OK. That brings me up to date, and now I can finally talk about the current situation, and I would like to hear if anyone can relate to this: He says he doesn't want to act out, but he is being so MEAN. Blaming, manipulation, extremism, passive aggressiveness, controlling... I could go on. And to top it all off: he says I am the one "holding him back."

Today he called me an F***ing B***. twice. TWICE. I have been verbally beaten up sporadically throughout the day, and I do not deserve it. Granted, I broke a bottom line and stepped into control phase for literally 2 minutes. But no matter my actions in that regard, I do. not. deserve. that. verbal. abuse. So I set a bottom line around it. I left the house immediately after the climax of it all, and took my son on a drive. On the drive, I tried to call my group members, but they didn't answer, so I just tried to be mindful about what I needed to do without going into drama.

I called him. Instantly he apologized for what he said (like he always does, and gets away with most of the time), and I told him that it really hurt me, and that it was not okay. I told him that I didn't want to see him, and that I would be home in an hour. I asked him if he would stay the night somewhere else. He said "what if I say no?", and I said "We will find somewhere else to stay." And by golly, I meant it. I am over getting verbally walked all over. I don't think it's healthy for my son to be around either.

I hope that my setting this boundary, along with helping me feel more safe in my home, will help him to see that this kind of behavior from him will no longer be tolerated by me. It has become a pattern for it to be okay for him to trample over me when he's upset, but it is not okay anymore. I'm nervous and worried about what the consequences will be at the end of the day, but I am wanting whats best for my family, and that means taking care of myself and my son while my husband works his addiction recovery.

Puppet Master No Longer

Freedom.
Non-compliance.
I don't know how to explain how I'm feeling right now, but the feeling is burning inside of me, so I want to get it in front of me, and I'm using my keyboard as my tool of choice.

My husband is going through that period of self discovery that he never really went through as a teenager. That time where you question everything and what some people see as rebelling- but really just wanting to test the waters to see what you REALLY believe, and trying things out to see how they make him feel... Questioning what he's always believed.

It's weird.
But I think it's a MUCH needed phase, even if it's scary. Wholly cow. I am sounding like a mom. Which I am. But who knew I would be learning these lessons with my husband while my child is almost two years old.

I am so used to asking him to do something, and having him do it, no questions asked... But now there are MANY questions asked. I'm going through a love/hate relationship of this change in our dynamic.

I was just about to say that I'm working really hard to let it go and give it to god- to surrender... Which I have been doing, surrendering that is- but I haven't been working all that hard at it. When Christ said that his burden/yolk is light, he wasn't kidding!! It has literally been the most relieving thing that I have ever done in this whole process- let it go. *insert huge sigh of relief*

I don't mean I've given up anything- just my desire to control or judge any other human being ever again. (Or as much as humanly possible) I mean, what kinds of mountains could I move if I used this amounts of energy on things that actually work- things that will actually get me somewhere. Like self affermations, planning a future, investing time in my son, getting healthy, pulling myself out of whater funk I've been in for the past 3 years... 

This is true freedom! I'm finding it in my healing- and I trust that my husband is working towards the same end goal... No matter how he gets there, it's good to know that at least we are seeking freedom from the same source- by means of a spiritual and personal journey to know ourselves and Christ better. 

I feel free from my former role of puppet master, and I bet it feels good for him to feel like the strings have been cut as well.

I have been weighed

"When in situations of stress, we wonder if there is any more in us to give, we can be comforted to know that God, who knows our capabilities perfectly, placed us here to succeed. No one was foreordained to fail or to be wicked. When we have been weighed and found wanting, let us remember that we were measured before and were found equal to our tasks; and therefore, let us continue but with a more determined discipleship." (Ensign, Feb. 1979, 73.)

Neal Maxwell

My husband just have me his very full (probably more detailed than it needed to be) disclosure. I had asked for it a few years ago, and had sort of pieced it together, but it was hard to have it laid out before me. Luckily I have a great therapist and support group I could contact and lean on. I'm doing my best to keep the wounds open so I can clean it and not allow it to get infected. It sure is hard though. I read the quote above this morning and it really sang to my soul. Isn't it empowering to know that we were weighed earlier and found equal to our task earlier? And isn't it empowering to know that we have a helpmeet to help us measure up to the the current hard task!

It made me think of the movie 'a knights tale' in it, the bad guy tells Will (the good guy): 'You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting. In what world could you possibly beat me?' Isn't that just how satan wants us to think of our trials right now?? 

And so now I say: I have been previously weighed, and have been found equal to the task- and through God, all things are possible. Work hard, sisters, work hard, trust in God, rely on God, and let's beat all of our fears, insecurities, pain and trauma. It's going to be hard, but what in life isn't? And eventually we will have our reward!

Raining bullets

Every day. I feel as if I am battling everyday against the feelings threatening to overpower me. And I am. I got a new confession Every. Single. Day. this week. Every day. I have been working hard to remind myself of the feelings of peace. In group, we learned that letting go isn't about cutting ourselves off from our spouses, but creating a perimeter around ourselves as a defense if we are wounded. Well, I have a few wounds accumulated this week. It's pretty sucky. This week I worked hard to show my love for him while keeping my distance. So when he admits to the slip of the day, I don't have my shield of anger to protect me- just raw pain. Sucky raw pain that cuts deep. Okay, but what are you going to so about it, ash dear? (Excuse the cutesy self talk ;)) Answer: (say it together, class) self care, boundaries, dailies. Let's just hope it's going to be enough to get me through this weather, it's raining bullets.

Pain

*note this could be a triggering post'

Man, my husband has been sober for 7 days now. Today, he asked me to shower with him and I said no. I didn't want my body to be added to the body count this last week. He went into this whole spiel about how it's okay for him to be attracted to me and want his wife, and it's okay if he feels rejected because of it. He then added a little side note with his generic 'I'm sorry I hurt you.' I didn't realize it, but this whole exchange really triggered me. Memories started floating back reminding me that I haven't had a shower when he's at home without him walking in on me in a really long time. I have come to expect it. I remembered times pre-recovery when I felt like a piece of meat he was admiring. It made me feel so violated. I realized that I had started to try to wait until he left to shower on my own without him here... Totally subconsciously. Anyway, so I asked him if he would watch our son while I showered. Well, I got out and soon after he went and took a nap. When he woke up, I tried talking about my new realization, and he got really defensive. He swore. (Only his addict swears.) He got defensive, and said that everything I was saying was 'Bull-S***' 

He stormed up to campus. On his way out the door, I told him not to come home tonight. Three hours later, he texts to find out if he was coming home tonight, and I called him. Mostly because I was hoping to talk to my husband again, and not his freaking addict. Needless to say, I didn't get what I hoped, and I calmly asked him to stay the night somewhere else. The first time it was out of anger, the second time out of pain and pure boundaries. God help me keep strong. The last thing I need is for someone to tell me that my trauma is Bull- especially from the source of the trauma. 

I need space to heal. Usually, he had been really good to apologize and realize when his addict is in control, however, today he didn't want to be. And I can't control that. But I can keep myself safe. Which I am going to do. Self care. Reach out. Dailies. God help me keep stepping forward.

Preparedness

My husband's addict doesn't know what it wants. When we first got married, he loved that I wanted to work. Now, seeing me working towards a career makes him feel like I'm preparing to leave him, which I'm not. However, I'm also not in a position to fully trust him either.

I've watched my little sister be a single mom, and her struggle alone has convinced me that I need a plan B. Plan A is the best plan, and there are multiple options and little things to be adjusted withing plan A. Plan A is to stay with my husband, obtain a graduate degree, and ultimately live in recovery with him and the children I will want to have once he is sober long enough for me to want to or myself down more.

Plan B is dreadful. Plan B would be me coming to the conclusion after much prayer and study to leave. Plan B is only there to be used if J gives up. I honestly don't see me ever carrying out plan B. He is being very active in his recovery. But the fact that I have a plan B scares him. 

After watching my sister and her struggles, I have determined to have  a career to fall back on, one that makes enough money that I can afford to actually spend quality time with my child without worrying that if I do I will be living without electricity.  I realize that schooling could be hell. But I honestly feel like The Lord is guiding me. If he wanted me to stop with my plan, I would. 100% I would. But he is there with me, and so I'm pressing on. If I am able to continue with plan A, my preparations will only add... If not, I am not going to be sol. It's logical, and I believe that God will be there helping me to raise my son... And I believe that everything will work out if I trust in him.

Post-slip

I think the hardest part about having a confession happen is knowing that the addict has a little more control over my husbands actions, which means less of the husband I love (or that I once loved, and hope to love again) and more of the addict's selfish behavior. In j's case, that means a loss in self-confidence and ambition. He feels lost and hates that I am not suddenly in that place with him. In the past, I would stop talking about my hopes and dreams and what I'm doing to get there, and focus on getting him back in his good place so that I could go back to my hopes and dreams too. This time, I skipped that detour, and it came back and bit me in the bum. I wouldn't save him, and he hated it. 

I have wanted to be a doctor since I was little. When I met J, I was pre-med but hadn't done any of the pre-reqs yet. Then as I got more and more co-dependent I forgot all about my dreams and focused all of my energy on him since he didn't have any direction- and I pushed him to be a doctor- which was my dream! Haha. He ended up choosing law instead. As I am getting out of my co-dependency I am being drawn back to my original interests and I'm wanting a serious career to fall back on too- just in case. Because I have no idea where I will be in five years- I know where I want to be, but I know better than to only eat a diet of hopes and leave out the logic.

Yesterday he attacked me for it. Hard core. Him slipping did have some impact on my good ole self esteem, but I managed to feel peace despite it through some good work on my part. (If I do say so myself ;)) However, when I refused to rescue him, he attacked me (verbally) on all sides, I think he was trying to find a weak spot. He found it. I am already pretty sensitive about the whole med-school thing because I have been so involved in trying to fix him, that I completely forgot who I was. I am still pretty shaky and nervous about it and haven't told anybody but him, my school counselor, and my sister about my schooling plan. To everyone else, I just say 'grad school' without being specific... And no one has second guessed it. 

...whoa tangent. Back to the story. He attacked my schooling plans (the addict hates them, But J is usually way supportive of them), and I calmly told him that the day after a slip doesn't seem like a good time to talk about the future to me. He kept going, so I told him that the fact that he had looked at porn the day before made it so that I wasn't in the best mindset to discuss the future with him. He then went on to go into some detail of the type of porn that he looked at, and I left the room. Cried. A lot. I mean, really?

My little guy (18 months!) has been developing a lot lately- he now cries whenever he sees someone else crying. What a tender-hearted little guy. But I don't know what to do about it... I don't want to hide so he thinks it's not okay to cry, but man! I swear I'm a crying wreck once a month (about how far apart the slips are getting).  Is it healthy for him to see me cry? I hope so. 

The further away from the slip and the harder he works towards recovery, the better things are getting. But I can't help but wonder... Is this my new life?  Am I okay with it? My honest answer: I am okay and happy with the work he is doing. I am not okay with the porn. I am not okay with getting knocked over every month. So here's what I am needing to be safe: to keep J at arms length until I can start to trust him again. But this whole one month and then slip act is getting old. I take one step towards him and then he knocks me down and pushes me ten steps back.

I was going to end there, but I thought of 

One last thing.

Would I do it all over again? The hell that I have lived since getting married to a Porn Addict? I don't know. It may sound co-dependent, but he never actually tried this hard before marriage, so The co-dependent side of me totally would. But this I know: as we work towards our own recoveries, my husband and I are slowly but surely working our way back towards each other. As we trust in the same source- a loving father in heaven who, if we give him the reigns rather than trying to control eachother's or our own lives, will guide us back into eachother's arms.