Another slip.

I woke up today knowing that today would be a slip up day. I could see it coming. And I woke up, and saw his face and knew. So I've been preparing myself all day- boosting my spirits, careful not to numb with TV, and focused on my own recovery. When he got home from school and told me that he had acted out... I wasn't even a little bit surprised. I calmly talked about it, told two of my support girls, and have been debating on what else I could do to maintain this sense of peace that I'm feeling. Am I upset about it? Yes. Am I annoyed? Yes. Do I trust that he's actually finally going to overcome this someday? Yes. I really do. He's doing good work, hard work, outside of his comfort zone work. And I trust the process. I keep waiting for the devastation to wash over me, but it hasn't happened yet. I feel like my life is manageable and that I know what to expect out of it. Is it peace? I think I'm achieving peace. Finally. 

When you say nothing at all...

So my husband and I are getting ready to go to a jazz game, but the closer it gets the more addict behavior is coming out... Blaming, snapping at little stupid things, being passive aggressive, you know the drill. 

I have been training for a moment like this- but what happens? I get so caught up in it that i forget it all. Geez. I need a sponsor- someone who has been through this and has gotten good at dealing with the stupid addict. Someone I can call and talk it through who has been through it all. 

I know you're out there sponsor... But how do I find you?

Building my toolbox, just in case

I thought today that I should be writing on here on the good days, and not just on the bad days, so here I am! My hubby has been doing some excellent work. He has been sober for a month on Saturday, the longest stretch that I can remember!  I am still cautious that this will be it, and I feel like I am just waiting for him to say "ash........" In that tone that I know so well. But I'm working my own recovery, and I am refusing to live in fear- it's no way to live. I am also not going to live in denial, and I think it is a good thing to spiritually and mentally prepare for the worst, and if it never comes, well, being prepared can only help! :) I am in the process of putting together a list of scripture references that will help get me through the rough times. It has been such a good experience to find some scriptures that just speak to my soul. I thought that I would share them on my blog :) 

Romans 5:3-5

3 And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;

4 And patience, experience; and experience, hope:

5 And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.

2 Corinthians 4:17

 17 For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; 

 Psalms 119:116-117

116 Uphold me according unto thy word, that I may live: and let me not be ashamed of my hope.

117 Hold thou me up, and I shall be safe: and I will have respect unto thy statutes continually.

So far I have found these three scriptures that just speak to my heart! The funny thing is that they all come out of the bible, which I never had really read before this trial... It makes my heart happy knowing that all during that time when the gospel hadn't been restored, that The Lord didn't leave his children high and dry, that he was able to give peace through his beautiful words through this book. Look at me, now I'm rambling! Help me build my list!! Do you have any scriptures that just speak to your soul? Share with me!

And should we die before our journey's through...

Come come ye saints, no toil or labor fear

But with joy wend your way.

Though hard to you, this journey may appear,

Grace shall be as your day.

Tis better far for us to strive, 

our useless cares from us to drive.

Do this and joy your hearts will swell.

All is well, All is well.

I don't believe that it's a coincidence that this song hits so true to so many WoPAs. I don't believe it's a coincidence that we have been given this challenge today. I don't believe that we were chosen at random. Much like the pioneers were chosen because they had the willpower to get to zion, we were chosen because we have the willpower to fight an unseen enemy- a moral problem that is considered "okay" or "normal" in our society. I DO believe that by handing over control to God, that our trauma, pain, and grief will all be overcome through the atonement of Christ. I also believe that God didn't leave us here alone without help from our  brothers and sisters. He didn't leave us here without tools to help overcome our grief, like therapy, 12-step groups, and SA lifeline spouse meetings. We are pioneers. 

And should we die before our journey's through, 

Happy day, all is well.

We then are free from toil and sorrow, too;

With the just we shall dwell.

But if our lives are spared again

to see the saints their rest obtain;

Oh how we'll make this chorus swell!

All is well, All is well.

Judged.

My husband has noticed my slump over the past week.

So today, he pushed himself under the bus in order to keep the house clean and take me to my favorite restaurant, and just have a "relaxing" day.

Today has been anything but relaxing.

Sheesh, I can finally see what my co-dependent self looked like from the other side.

When my husband was in a slump, I would go out of my way to plan his life, cook gourmet meals, keep the house spotless, and make his life as easy as possible. And then I would demand to know what work he was doing for his recovery. I just wanted to see that he was WORKING.

That's kind of what happened today. My hubby kept the house clean, let me take a loong shower, took me out to lunch, kept the babe entertained, ect. I was finally feeling motivated again, and ready to jump into life a new woman. However, tonight as I sat down to go over my schedule, my husband comes in and tells me that my behavior over the past week has driven him crazy, and that he just wanted to see that I was WORKING on getting out of my slump. 

Talk about a joykill.

I finally saw why I couldn't do my husband's work for him; it was a lesson learned. It was an annoying lesson to learn. I am so frustrated. I think I mentioned before that the major numbing part of my slump was watching a t.v. marathon, you know the netflix marathons that are so common in our culture. I'm not proud of it, and I have set up some pretty firm new bottom lines around them now.

It was just hard to have my husband come in and talk to me like he would his teenage girl. He talked about how hard it was for him to get rid of his laptop, and how much his life had been blessed because of it. He said that he wasn't trying to tell me to get rid of my laptop. Guys, he was treating me like I was one of the guys in his porn group, and I wanted to punch him in the face. Granted, I did get carried away with the T.V. dramas this week in order to numb from life. But I am a mother taking online classes, and having a laptop at home makes it possible for me to get homework done while my child is sleeping and my husband is at school. I am not exaggerating when I say that 90% of the work I do on my laptop is productive work. I am so frustrated at him for comparing all of my reasons for keeping it with the excuses he would give for holding on to his laptop. I am sorry, but I do not have a destructive addiction that I am trying to fend off. In fact, one of the most healing parts of my recovery has been this blog... something that would be nearly impossible to put time into if I didn't have my computer here at home. 

well, now I'm ranting.

It's just been a frustrating day, and I can't tell you how terrible it is to feel judged by the person that has hurt you so much, when he suddenly decides that it's time to beat the addiction, and you're having a hard time coping with it. Obviously coming from an emotional place as I write this... maybe it would be good to get some sleep and start up anew tomorrow.

Whew.

So... after I wrote my last post, I felt like I should encourage my hubby to call the elder's quorum president, just make sure it was okay. He did, and the elders quorum president called the bishop, and the bishop said no. I felt such a huge wave of relief. I didn't know why! I have been so anxious for the world to know about our journey, but when the time came, I just didn't feel good about it- so incredibly anxious. I don't know if I will ever be ready for the WHOLE world to know. I definitely want to help the recovery movement as much as I can, but I just don't think that I am ready to disclose... and I don't think I will ever be ready. It feels so relieving to say that. If it does end up happening, I will cope and hopefully spin it to my own good, but for now, I am completely content with only a handful of the people around me knowing.

After talking to my husband, i'm pretty sure I understand why it is such a hard thing for people to disclose. Pornography addiction today is tied in public opinion to child pornography. For people who don't understand the problem, they can be (rightfully) worried and doubtful, and want to keep their children away from the porn addict. My husband has never struggled with child pornography, but I can see how others could draw the wrong conclusion... I don't ever want my child to have to suffer because of his father's addiction. He will have struggles of his own, and I don't want this weighty subject to be one of them.

So for now, silence it is, and silence I am comfortable with. It is good to have our amazing family members and one close friend know about it. I think for now, that's all I need or want.

Prayers Wanted

My husband is teaching the lesson in Elders Quorum, and had another lesson prepared, but felt like he should share his story and the resources that helped him... I am nervous for the looks I might get for the next few weeks, but I feel like this is a good thing that needs to happen. Pray for me.